By Eric Emery
In past few weeks, more than one friend has said to me, “It must be fun writing the Kool-Aid Report this year.”
Actually, it’s not that much fun.
It’s more fun when the Bears get dominated in a Super Bowl or they crap themselves in Week 17 and miss the playoffs. It doesn’t feel rewarding to make fun of a team this close to hitting rock bottom.
And if the Bears lose to the Rams this week, rock bottom will be reached. Even I don’t think the Bears are that bad. But even if they beat the Rams keep your eyes out for these other signs that rock bottom has been found.

Read More

Posted on December 4, 2009

By Eric Emery
I highly recommend Bears fans employ the following tactics to get Lovie Smith and his staff fired:
1. Increase the number of cleverly named websites devoted to running Smith & Co. out of town.
This area needs significant help. I’ve found “fireloviesmith.com” and “fireronturner.net.” Two websites will not get the job done. Here are some recommendations to get you started:
* “sendlovietodetroit.com”
* “blagofordacoach.com”
* “barackchangethedacoachforus.com”
* “lovieforonewayticketoutofhere.com”
* “bringbackwannstedt.com”
* “yourmommashouldcoachthebears.com”
* “pwnlovie.com” (photoshop Lovie’s face on passed out people)
* “loviewipethatfuckingstupidlookoffyourface.com”
* “turnerspicsoflovie.com” (pics of Lovie that explain why Turner is still employed)
* “corpseofhalasforcoach.com”
* “ditkaforcoach.com”
* “postresumeforfuturebearsjob.com”

Read More

Posted on November 23, 2009

By Eric Emery
This week, the Bears return to what was their happy home. After losing in yet another creative way, Soldier Field will feel like a home – a home that is on the brink of a bitter divorce. Here, Bears fans will split, warming up their baseball rivalries for the 2010 season.
I caution Bears fans to stick together by attacking the real problem: the Chicago Bears. Frankly, the Bears fans’ effort has been downright disappointing. Sure, some made posts to forums and friends’ Facebook pages (which were totally entertaining!), but if you really want change, you have to make it happen. Let’s face it, voting for change but doing nothing about it is so 2008.

Read More

Posted on November 20, 2009

By Eric Emery
Last week, I predicted that the Kool-Aid Nation was finally going to turn against Lovie Smith. And turn they did! It’s safe to say that last week’s debacle transformed the Kool-Aid to a bitter, semi-fermented swill.
Here’s the problem: The city’s sportswriters insist that Lovie isn’t going anywhere because Halas Hall hates the idea of eating two years of his contract. Here at the Kool-Aid Report, we know that isn’t true. The real issues is that Bears management is simply too loyal. And with unemployment topping 10 percent, Bears management knows that Smith cannot survive in today’s job market.
Bears management could, however, work with an outplacement agency to line up a job for Lovie before launching him. Here are a few ideas that might work.

Read More

Posted on November 12, 2009

By Eric Emery
Last Sunday, the stars aligned perfectly. My son and wife went elsewhere and the Steelers enjoyed their bye week. Add both together and you get the coveted Power Bye Week Nap. The problem: I slept through most of the Bears game. Luckily, my subconscious picked up the slack and followed the game in my dreams:
*
Dream: Bears offensive coordinator Ron Turner sat quietly in a cage.
Meaning: Bears could not make right choices to convert red zone visits into TDs.
*
Dream: Lovie Smith failed an easy math quiz.
Meaning: When you have the elite #6, you should have at least that many wins by this point.

Read More

Posted on November 6, 2009

By Eric Emery
In my experience, those who seem to be bat shit crazy are often proven to be bat shit crazy (BSC). At first glance, our favorite hoaxers, the Hennes, are mostly likely BSC. You are a prime candidate for BSC when you appear on Wife Swap. If you build balloons in your backyard, you’re probably BSC. And when you take acting lessons and pitch your reality show in the hopes that American sees how BSC you actually are, you are 100 percent, Grade A, put it on the boarrrrrrd yes, BSC.

PLUS: Ofman: Chip Caray sucks Luce: Ladies hefty

After the Bears lost last week, they are feeling a little BSC themselves. Rather than take responsibility for their untimely penalties and turnovers, the players submitted the following hoax ideas to divert our attention from their own failures.
* OT Orlando Pace is pictured swimming. Team submits picture as proof of the Loch Ness monster.
* WRs Johnny Knox and Earl Bennett start a singing group called Milli Vanilli. They are found to be imposters, of course.
* Bears send e-mails to their next opponent stating that they won $10 million in an Internet Lottery, and that they should submit some small details, such as their name, address, Social Security Number, and upcoming game plan.

Read More

Posted on October 23, 2009

By Eric Emery
Last week, a group including conservative columnist Rush Limbaugh, announced their intention to by the St. Louis Rams. The Chicago Bears management was surprised by the announcement; mostly because they had no idea conservatism was so profitable. After this epiphany, the Bears turned to more conservative practices, such as:

Beachwood Sports: Ofman: Dis and Dat TrackNotes: Illinois Online The College Football Report

Change: Pay structure change to “Cutlernomics.”
Result: Bears pay Jay Cutler $90 million a year, and Cutler pays the rest of the team as he sees fit.
*
Change: A new Bears social program called “Urlacher Works.”
Result: Those deadbeat kids work around the house. No more free handouts.
*
Change: “Adamstinence” programs.
Result: DT Anthony Adams teaches Brian Urlacher about abstinence, instead of handing him a condom.

Read More

Posted on October 16, 2009

By Eric Emery
Vacations rule. This week, the Bears took a much deserved break from taking names and kicking ass. Did they take it easy? Of course not, we’re from the city that works. The Bears spent their time doing the following during their bye week:
* Shipped Chicago 2016 Summer Olympic t-shirts to Guatemala.
* Created potholes to give the Streets and Sanitation crews something to do.
* Washed their jerseys clean of their opponent’s tears.
* Visited a child with cancer. Scared cancer out of child.
* Changed El system to have two lines: Blue and Orange.

Read More

Posted on October 9, 2009

By Eric Emery
By the time this is posted, we will know if Chicago has won the 2016 Summer Olympics and the subsequent city budget deficit. Given that these Olympics are seven years away, some Bears players are starting to train for their favorite current and former Olympic events.

The Undefeateds: In The College Football Report

Event: 3000 Meter Steeplechase
Player: Lance Briggs
Why: Showed agility in running past obstacles such as a crashed car, retaining walls, fences, and police questions.
*
Event: Two-Hand Deadlift
Player: Jay Cutler
Why: Strong enough to carry the whole offense.

Read More

Posted on October 2, 2009

By Eric Emery
Lesson learned.
For even I had drunk from the Pimp Cup of Culterdom, the Holy Kool-Aid Grail promising deliverance from the wilderness.
Seemed like a good idea at the time.

TrackNotes: Fake Plastic Dirt

I won’t make the same mistake twice. Here’s what the Bears will have to do to make me regain interest in their season.
* Jay Cutler is arrested for beating up a cab driver over 10 cents, making him twice as nuts as Patrick Kane.
* Brian Urlacher is caught playing softball with Carlos Zambrano; blames the media for ensuing uproar.
* Lovie Smith develops a third expression to “The slight smirk because things aren’t looking good” and “Holy shit I don’t know what I’m doing.” This one will be called “Who the hell is calling these plays?”

Read More

Posted on September 18, 2009