Chicago -
By Carl Mohrbacher
“I” Before EEEEK!
Recently, my daughter showed me the list of 40 prepositions she has to memorize for English class. After I told her to be quiet and slide the latest issue of Ass-Mack Weekly under the bathroom door, my first thought was: “What’s a preposition?”
My second thought was: I bet Frank Omiyale feels the same way when he is told to play football.
Posted on October 13, 2011
By Carl Mohrbacher
It’s Gonna Move Ya
While it had all of the creativity of an ’80s Juicy Fruit jingle*, last Sunday’s roughly 89-1 run/pass ratio against the Carolina Panthers got the job done and effectively moved the chains.
But don’t get your skis shined up too soon, Forte.
That’s probably the last time we’ll see you get a chance to shine like that this season.
Posted on October 6, 2011
By Carl Mohrbacher
New Trick, Old Dog
I haven’t decided whether to give Lovie Smith and his staff credit for playing to win by running one of the best special teams trick plays in recent memory or to lambast them for putting it on tape in a game that was basically out of reach. Since it got called back, we can’t give it a cool nickname like the Homer in the Gloamin’ or the Dirty Bay Reacharound, so we’ll have to settle on the Windy City Nothing.
Posted on September 28, 2011
By Carl Mohrbacher
Number Six Is Sick Of Sacks
The Bears QB spent more time on his back than a $5 prosti-turtle flipped on its shell. The good news is that there is no way Cutler will be sacked 52 times in 2011, like he was in 2010. The bad news is that he will only play nine games in 2011.
Runnin’ With The Devil
Many have demanded to know why the Bears didn’t attempt more rushing plays against the Saints. In an abbreviated press conference, Mike Martz briefly mumbled something about running backs who can’t run between the tackles “don’t get no paper” before announcing loudly that he had a bad case of diarrhea and stormed away from the podium.
Sha-not, Shalom
Gabe Carimi is likely to miss Sunday’s tilt with the Packers due to a knee injury, which means other than third-string long snapper Saul Bramburg, there are no Hebrews on the active roster. In order to meet the NFL roster requirements, Mort “Big Jew” Williams from accounting will be backing up Frank Omiyale.
Posted on September 22, 2011
By Carl Mohrbacher
It Bears Repeating
During his rendition of the national anthem, Jim Cornelison didn’t just bring the thunder. He brought a 30-case of Thunder, pounded a two-liter of Cougar Boost Energy Drink and showed this chump how it’s done by blasting America’s collective tears of pride right off our face.
Posted on September 15, 2011
By Andrew Golden and Carl Mohrbacher
Blue: Choosing the Blue (positive) side of this report seemed at first to be a great idea. I could talk up my Chicago Bears week after week. And after last year, they just had to have far less embarrassing games than the 2009 campaign.
Ahem.
Four interceptions by Jay Cutler this week against the Washington Redskins, zero offense the week prior versus the Seattle Seahawks, and only marginal improvement from the Bears’ offensive line . . .
However, I’ve learned by lesson from having two wives, and that’s to be open about saying things like “I’m sorry, I was wrong.” (Or as my brother would say “I hate myself already.”)
Posted on October 27, 2010
By Andrew Golden and Carl Mohrbacher
Blue: As the writer of the Blue side of the Kool Aid report, I am obligated to pull the positives from each and every Chicago Bears game. Let’s be honest, the Bears got their collective asses beat on offense and defense (go special teams!) in Sunday’s 23-20 thrashing at the hands of the ever dangerous Seattle Seahawks. Therefore finding positives from that morass might seem a task akin to throwing a football accurately while facing impending pain from onrushing 300-pound defensive lineman. But if Jay Cutler has to face this for the next 10 games, who am I to disappoint this column’s eight fans? Granted, my 87 year-old grandfather is one of those fans, so it’s not that tough a crowd (for the record I’m KICKING HIS ASS in fantasy football). But here’s a few positives I came up with:
Posted on October 19, 2010
By Andrew Golden and Carl Mohrbacher
Blue: Reports are that Jay Cutler both knew his name and found his way to the plane after Sunday night’s game. That and the fact that the defense looked tough for three-fourths of the game are about the only positives that can be found from the Bears 17-3 ass-whupping at the hands of the New York Giants. The offensive line didn’t get off the bus, which made the passing attack as non-existent as the run game, which not only didn’t get off the bus but doesn’t appear to believe it has to get on the bus to get to the game. Ever. But I’m here to drink the Blue Kool-Aid of Bear love, so this might be a very quick installment.
However, before I get to the positives, I have to ask a small question: Did Jerry Angelo not realize – and does he still not realize – that no matter how fast you get the ball out of the quarterback’s hands, he does need to have a few seconds with which to work as he looks for a receiver?
When he was on his feet, as opposed to on his ass or back, Cutler either couldn’t find an open receiver or was waiting to be pummeled and inwardly bracing himself for the next hit. Never before did you feel so much like the quarterback’s inner clock was tuned to “oh shit oh shit oh shit!” instead of knowing that he had to get the ball out about three seconds ago.
Posted on October 6, 2010
By Nikki Golden and Carl Mohrbacher
Blue: For the second week in a row, the Bears managed a narrow victory over a handicapped opponent, though this week it seemed that the opposition’s weakness lay squarely between their ears.
Frolicking in the springtime of a love affair with the pass, Dallas head coach Wade Phillips called for 51 aerial plays, despite a roster that boasts three starting-caliber running backs. Ignoring repeated visual evidence to the contrary, Fox analyst and former Cowboy great Troy Aikman, alongside St. Louis Cardinals announcer Joe Buck, continued to relay nationally broadcasted reassurances to the Cowboys that passing behind Jason Witten and over the head of Miles Austin was in fact, exemplary quarterbacking.
As a result, Big D managed only a single offensive touchdown for the second time in two games, with the other trip to the end zone provided by a first quarter Dez Bryant punt return.
Opting to erase all doubt of their collective incompetence, the Cowboys’ coaching staff ordered an end to the aggressive and effective defensive game plan that held the Bears to eight total yards in their first three offensive series.
Sensing an opportunity to mystify the opposition, coordinator Mike Martz dialed up a series of elegant and complex plays certain to baffle the now relaxed Dallas defense. However, as evidenced by Devin Hester’s completion-negating “illegal formation” penalty in the second quarter, it seems the Bears skill players are often equally baffled by Martz’s wizardry.
Credit Jay Cutler’s ability to work within the limitations of his personnel, as he wisely called two consecutive hot routes for confused receivers Devin Hester and Greg Olsen (“Run a slant . . . No the other way!” and “Go over there for a while!” respectively) during Chicago’s first touchdown drive.
Posted on September 21, 2010
Blue Report:
Regardless of the Monday morning quarterbacking from everyone starting with the experts and ending with my grandfather, a win is a win is a win is a win, naysayers be damned. Being that the NFL season is only 16 games long, I’ll take every win our Bears can get, even if that means we’re going to need at least one play of especially stupid proportions to maintain a lead in the final moments. Don’t fault the Bears for Calvin “Megatron” Johnson not knowing the rules as well as this writer, just accept the gift and say, “Thank you.”
But, if one were to look past the last couple minutes of the game and closer to the numbers, you might see some interesting stats:
Posted on September 15, 2010
