Another Beachwood Thought Experiment
* Alfonso Soriano would be crumpled up and crying behind a vending machine in the bowels of Wrigley Field.
* Nate Robinson would be playing a very nice center field.
* That goat would be so worn out that the only thing left it could curse would be the urinals.
* Giving up unearned runs would be a concept with which he would be unfamiliar.
* Baseball’s first man-to-man defense.
* We wouldn’t need no stinkin’ Jumbotron.
* Reed Johnson and Mark DeRosa would still be with the team, batting first and second.
* The league would store its Gold Gloves in Chicago just to make handing them out easier.
* The team would perform exceptionally well in cold weather.
* There would be no such thing as rebuilding because every season would be sacred.
* We wouldn’t need a stinkin’ bullpen because starters would be expected to complete games.
* Moises Alou would have caught the Bartman ball.
* That goat would have been allowed into Wrigley – and thoroughly enjoyed the game with his goat family.
* Bleacher tickets would still be $5.
* Mark Grace would have finished his career as a Cub and done his time as a multiple-DUI offender right here in Cook County.
* Darwin Barney would have learned to take a walk by now.
* Starlin Castro would be a Dodger.
* They would win more 1-0 and 2-1 games than any other team in the league.
* They’d be having a World Series ring ceremony this week.
* Carlos Marmol would be well into his second career as a gas station attendant.
* Mark Prior would be in his 13th injury-free year.
* The Bulls’ season would be over by now.
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Comments welcome.
Posted on May 7, 2013