Cubs Hope To Get Disappointing Soriano In Shape By Swimming With Sharks, Skydiving Without A Parachute

By The Onion Sports Network

“Since the Cubs can’t find a taker for Alfonso Soriano’s expensive contract, they’re working him hard this offseason, with a workout plan of bullet dodging and a diet of broken glass and poison.
“And if running across a highway at rush hour is the best way to get his legs in shape, they’ll run him across a highway.”