By The Beachwood Olympic Events Affairs Desk
In all the hubbub last week about the city “putting some skin in the game,” the media overlooked a separate agreement reached by local officials and the United States Olympic Committee to Chicagoize the games should they come to our fair city. The Beachwood Olympic Affairs Desk, however, has learned the basic outlines of what’s in store.
* Biathalon: Will consist of 1) Finding a legal free parking space near Wrigley Field and 2) The 5K run from the parking space to the ballpark. In the 10K version, participants will run with cash and try to make it through the grabby Aldermen obstacle course.
* Boxing: Will be replaced by Big-Boxing, wherein participants duke it out in city council trying alternately to block or allow the opening of a West Side Wal-Mart. (Rejected by USOC: Competitive boxing and disposal of shredded aldermanic documents.)
* Demonstration Event: The CTA Burning Tunnel Stair Climb.
* Canoeing: Becomes Condoing. From campaign donation to permit processing to final shoddy construction, new world records are expected to be set.
* Cycling: Will be replaced by Blue Bagging, in which participants will be tossed in dumpsters with all the other garbage and forced to sort their way out. Participants must buy their own blue jerseys.
* Equestrian: In addition to dressage and steeplechase, Chicago plans to include Hansom Cab racing. Taxi cabs, city buses and enraged rush-hour commuters will all be invited to participate. Extra points for number of romantic evenings ruined by horse crap. Demonstrators at Michigan and Balboa will also be used as additional obstacles.
* Crack and Field: Drug dealers and their lookouts compete against officers in air-conditioned offices miles away watching through blue-light surveilance cameras.
* Shot Put: Becomes the Beer and a Shot Put, held at the last neighborhood bar left in the city.
* Baseball: Will be brought back to the Olympics and the Cubs will be allowed to particpate because, after all, the Olympics are for amateurs.
* Basketball: The Bulls will be allowed to participate because, after all, the Olympics are for amateurs.
* Dumpster Diving: Part of the Games’ mission to raise social consciousness. Radio broadcast only, though. (Rejected by USOC: Ballot Diving. Competitive placement of stooge candidates on ballots whose purpose is to draw votes away from challengers while not actually winning themselves.)
* Fencing: Participants will be allowed to yell “touche” every time a stolen good brings in more than $50. Bonus points when cops are involved.
* Gymnastics: Renamed “Tumbling”; uniforms sponsored by Jesse White.
* Judo: Will include the mayor’s political team. Immediately installed as favorites.
* Modern Pentathlon: Stiff the press; dodge the U.S. attorney; make others jump through hoops; avoid debates; clean and jerk; hide the truth; twist some arms; chop people off at the knees; stifle dissent; and bully a populace. Mayor Daley will not be allowed to participate because he’s a pro.
* Sailing: To Mackinac Island. Not back. Boat slips converted to condos so the Games can leave a legacy.
* Shooting: All attempts by Chicago police officers will be deemed “justified.”
* Softball: Mitts confiscated at O’Hare.
* Swimming: Independent-minded reform athletes will swim against the tide on the Wisconsin River. No TV coverage.
* Synchronized Swimming: Machine athletes will swim with the tide through the Chicago River and out to Lake Michigan on prime-time TV with uniforms and training paid for by Pat Ryan and Friends of Daley. City crews will make sure the tide is just right and the wind is at their back.
* Taekwondo: Mike North participates in effort to remake his image and revive his career.
* Team Handball:The city’s news organizations will be allowed to participate with local pols and business leaders as their partners. (Rejected by USOC: Competitive shaping of rolls of $100 bills in an easy to distribute package so it’s easier to hand them to friendly aldermen.)
* Weightlifting: Strongmen from the world over try to lift the burden of guilt, denial, and shame from the mayor’s shoulders.
* Wrestling: Opponent will be participant’s consciences. Barack Obama, with his training team of Daley, Todd Stroger, Tony Rezko, David Geffen, Joe Lieberman, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, and a USB stockbroker at his side, is considered the early favorite.
– Scott Buckner, Eric Emery, Don Jacobson, Natasha Julius, Rick Kaempfer, Steve Rhodes
See also Chicago 2016 vs. Baghdad 2016.
Posted on March 12, 2007