By Eric Emery
Because only a small handful of clubs have won the English Premier League championship, it’s often more fun to talk about the three worst teams each year that will be relegated – demoted to, confusingly, the Championship league.
So with a new EPL season starting Saturday, it’s time to discuss the race to the bottom. Here are the reasons your team will be relegated:
Everton: Dame Judi Dench and Sir Paul McCartney are avid supporters. As you know, a club can’t have that many great things.
Middlesbrough: The club that sounds the most English will earn relegation because that’s what the most English club should do.
Bournemouth: All kidding aside, Bournemouth will not be relegated. Let’s not joke around about that. Will they win the league? No. But we’ll easily avoid relegation and I can start planning a visit to Bournemouth in 2017.
Sunderland: They play at “The Stadium of Light,” which is a pretension deserving of punishment.
Manchester United: Releasing a player four years ago only to pay $100 million to get him back isn’t a good business model.
West Bromwich Albion: After Chinese businessmen buys club, President Trump invades WBA and makes players produce Trump clothing line.
Arsenal: President Clinton will invade Arsenal based on faulty intelligence and logic because a name like that “has weapons of mass destruction.”
Tottenham: Tottenham always finishes behind bitter rival Arsenal. See above.
Liverpool: U.S. viewership explodes and club gets distracted with 2.42 million e-mails asking, “Hey, is this where the Beatles are from?”
Stoke City: After losing first two fixtures, supporters refer to club as “Choke City.” Players feel much shame.
Manchester City: After concentrating so much on beating crosstown rival Manchester United, they forfeit every other match.
Leicester City: Nobody thought they’d win the league last year. Nobody expects them to be relegated this year. They simply like to surprise people.
Hull City: We probably shouldn’t make fun of the obvious.
Swansea City: EPL marketing department pushes a new rule limiting the number of “City”-named clubs in the Premier League.
Chelsea: To compete against Trump and his children, Chelsea Clinton buys Chelsea from Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich. In a huge branding mistake, she renames the club “Chelsea!”
Crystal Palace: Club finally realizes that their name sounds too much like a strip club to ever be taken seriously. Fans revolt after pregame singing of “Glad All Over” is replaced with “Girls Girls Girls.”
Burnley FC: Burnley struggles with self-doubt for having defend that they are actually a Football Club.
Watford: Lifelong supporter and two-time owner Elton John fights to own the club for a third time. To celebrate, John produces a third version of “Candle in the Wind” on cassette tape. The massive loss bankrupts the club.
Southampton: I don’t have to have a good reason. They will finish behind Bournemouth. Okay, fine, here is one: They stink.
West Ham: Club implodes after realizing West Ham is in East London.
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Beachwood Sabermetrics: Based on all historical data available from the beginning of time, you might as well become a soccer fan. I watched the Bears at Fan Fest this weekend and they stink.
Population of the Cherry Nation: Six, up two from last week. Me; my high school friend who lives in Montana; the new Bournemouth signing American Emerson Hyndman; a guy in Florida; and a couple guys from a AFCB Facebook fan page.
Sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: This Week: 60%. Last Week: 100%.
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Previously in Breakfast In America:
* Which EPL Team Are You?
* Know Your Terminology.
* Lowest Common Denominator™.
* Recruitment Do’s And Don’ts.
* Aboard The Dethloon Express.
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Breakfast In America on Facebook.
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Eric Emery is our man on the EPL and the EPT. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on August 9, 2016