By Eric Emery
A week from now, it will all be over. And when I say “it,” I don’t mean Sunderland’s chances to avoid relegation. I mean the presidential election.
As of late, we’ve been preoccupied with the logistics and legalities of voting. Additionally, we really don’t want foreigners meddling in our election, unless of course, meddling by the Russkies confirms previous beliefs and props up our tribe. In that case, we welcome it and withhold condemnation.
The Premier League is looking to expand in the U.S. As such, it’s natural for them to reach out to the average American’s political leanings. Knowing that Americans are a sucker for a good ‘ol fashioned pandering, here are the POTUS endorsements from across the pond.
Endorser: Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho
Key characteristics: Believes he is the only one who can fix it; believes everybody, including the referees, are out to get him.
Endorsee: Donald Trump, even though Mourinho reportedly sees baldness as a weakness.
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Endorser: Legendary Super Sub Wayne Rooney
Key characteristics: Nicknamed “Shrek” for apparent lack of intelligence; leader in the dressing room; comically bad on Twitter.
Endorsee Donald Trump, because he also believes baldness is a weakness.
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Endorser: Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp
Key characteristics: Expert fist pumper; serial hugger.
Endorsee: John Kasich in a write-in vote. Dude loves to hug too.
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Endorser Tall and skinny Stoke City striker Peter Crouch
Key characteristics: Nicknamed “RoboCrouch” and “Mr. Roboto.”
Endorsee: Hillary Clinton. Seriously, Dude loves robots.
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Endorser: Every member of Arsenal
Key characteristics: Led by manager Arsene Wenger, who loves wearing suits. Here is the team in suits.
Endorsee: Trump. Wenger is known to be very cheap. Having Clinton as president may spike demand in suits, causing worldwide suit prices to soar.
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Endorser: West Bromwich Albion manager Tony Pullis
Key characteristics: Perennial near-the-bottom-of-the-table manager for team with second-level talent. Loves wearing pant suits.
Endorsee: Gary Johnson. He wants the Constitution to protect his unalienable right to wear track suits and play unattractive, overly aggressive football, just as the forefathers wanted.
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Endorser: Swansea City manager Bob Bradley
Key characteristics: First American manager in the English Premier League.
Endorsee: Unknown. He’s just happy to be out of the country.
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Beachwood Sabermetrics: Based on all historical data available from the beginning of time, unless you are a Manchester United supporter, watching Manchester United play poorly is a hoot. Our Beachwood Man U Schadenfreude Index is at a season-high 242.0 (with 100 as the average amount of glee produced by Man U misfortune).
Brunch Special: All You Can Eat Goals: West Ham vs. Stoke City. This match features two of the EPL’s best goal-scorers from the midfield in Dimitri Payet and Xherdan Shaqiri. And when they score, it tends to be completely ridiculous. Coupled with porous defenses that love to commit fouls, chances are you’ll see more than one memorable score.
Population of the Cherry Nation: Seven. Me, my high school friend who lives in Montana, the new Bournemouth signing American Emerson Hyndman (whose home kit is sponsored by us ), a guy in Florida, and a three guys from a Facebook AFCB fan page.
Sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: A year ago, the Cherries lost to Tottenham 5-1. A unknown media member yelled on a hot mic, “It’s like men against boys out there!” This year, the Cherries not only earned a hard fought 0-0 draw, they played better than the Spurs and, dare I say, deserved the win. Before this weekend, many supporters felt like seven points could be earned from the three matches ahead. Unfortunately, the Cherries lost to Middlesbrough 2-0.
Like actual Kool-Aid, your mother knows her mother-in-law let you take a nip of her vodka Kool-Aid, so she excused your bad behavior. But after you made a mess of your room, the living room, the garage, both bathrooms, and the cat’s litter box, she’s cutting back on the sugar. And if you find a way to not get three points against historically bad Sunderland, the next batch will be made with Splenda.
Percent sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: This Week: 40%. Last Week: 242%.
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Previously in Breakfast In America:
* Which EPL Team Are You?
* Know Your Terminology.
* Lowest Common Denominator™.
* Recruitment Do’s And Don’ts.
* Aboard The Dethloon Express.
* Race To The Bottom.
* My Aunt’s Nuts.
* The Guaranteed Rate EPL.
* Our Ann Coulter.
* Old Wives And Walking Sticks.
* Chill Out, People.
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Breakfast In America on Facebook.
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Eric Emery is our man on the EPL and the EPT. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on November 1, 2016