By Eric Emery
On Monday, American Exceptionalism took an unneeded step forward with the naming of former USMNT player and coach Bob Bradley as manager of Swansea City.
On the editorial side of things, I have a soft spot in my heart for Swansea. And technically, an American isn’t managing an English team since Swansea City is in Wales. But for the Americans who need the education, Wales is at the butt end of the UK. Not that Wales is the figurative butt end of anything, for Wales gave us singer Tom Jones, actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, and the phrase “It’s raining old wives and walking sticks.” In my humble opinion, that’s a hell of a lot scarier than “cats and dogs.”
If you check out Breakfast In America’s Facebook page, you see our mission is to “talk EPL football. Because we are American fans, we will accidentally ruin it.” Under Bradley’s management and the various majority and minority U.S. ownership groups, we’re on our way.
In fact, it’s right time we start ruining the nicknames. English fans don’t really get into nicknames like we do. Perhaps that’s because everything doesn’t have to be monetized over there. But it’s damn time it is.
Here are some EPL teams with their old and new nicknames:
Arsenal: Gunners
Change to: Democracy Bringers
Why? When we look for guns, we cannot find them. When we cannot find guns, we bring democracy and generations of destabilization.
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Manchester United: Red Devils
Change to: White Angels
Why: Americans cannot cheer for evil.
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Everton: Toffees
Change to: Werther’s Originals
Why: Big with the 75-and-older grandmother demographic
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Southampton: Saints
Change to: Nondescript Good Persons
Why: After talking a couple decades off, America will come back to the traditional arguing among Christian sects.
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Leicester City: Foxes
Change to: Women, Though Attractive, Should Be Known for Their Accomplishments
Why: Let’s reinforce all alt-right fears that the world as they know it with a female Commander-in-Chief.
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Burnley: Clarets
Change to: Kind of Like Burgundy But Not Quites
Why: I don’t see “claret” in a crayon box, dammit.
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Crystal Palace: Eagles
Change to: NO CHANGE NEEDED
Why: It’s already Americanized. Even the manager proclaims a love for legendary Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi. But if we’re splitting hairs, “War Eagles,” “Legal Eagles,” and “Freedom Eagles” would work.
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AFC Bournemouth: Cherries
Change to: Women Who Save Themselves for Marriage
Why? Everything must be moral, unless we are talking about presidential candidates, of course.
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Beachwood Sabermetrics: Based on all historical data available from the beginning of time, having an American EPL manager will not change the average boorish American handegg ball fan. For he will still decry real football as “socialist” while celebrating a game that shares massive amounts of revenue and a salary cap.
Brunch Special: All You Can Eat Goals: Closed for yet another International Break. But scoring seems to be up. And it was done by clubs converting revenue to signing more skilled players, instead of castrating defenses and popularizing the 8-yard pass.
Population of the Cherry Nation: Seven. Me, my high school friend who lives in Montana, the new Bournemouth signing American Emerson Hyndman (whose home kit is sponsored by us), a guy in Florida, and a three guys from a Facebook AFCB fan page.
Sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: After wins over West Bromwich Albion and Steve Rhodes’ favorite Everton, and a draw at Watford away, we are on a sugar high. Through November, the Cherries look to earn 10 more points. With steady improvement from the midfield, Bournemouth expectant mothers look to name their sons after Harry Arter.
Percent Sugar in the Cherry Kool-Aid: This Week: 75%. Last Week: 60%.
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Previously in Breakfast In America:
* Which EPL Team Are You?
* Know Your Terminology.
* Lowest Common Denominator™.
* Recruitment Do’s And Don’ts.
* Aboard The Dethloon Express.
* Race To The Bottom.
* My Aunt’s Nuts.
* The Guaranteed Rate EPL.
* Our Ann Coulter.
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Breakfast In America on Facebook.
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Eric Emery is our man on the EPL and the EPT. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on October 4, 2016