By Scott Buckner
Yesterday we revealed reasons why Patti Blago was fired from her job. Today, what she’ll do with all that extra free time.
* Stand outside the WGN radio booth and try to make whoever is on the air laugh.
* Wake up the homeless guys sleeping at library desks and tell them they’ll have to leave unless they join her book group.
* Pretend she works at Wal-Mart and misdirect shoppers when they ask where something is.
* Prepare husband’s legal appeal.
* Walk around the Loop putting slugs in panhandlers’ cups.
* Tell the fucking cops directing fucking traffic along fucking Michigan Avenue exactly how the fuck they’re doing it all fucking wrong.
* Argue with the daily crowd of crackpot demonstrators outside the Wrigley Building how the real enemy is Mike Jerrick and Juliet Huddy, not the the Queen of England.
* Turn paintings in Art Institute galleries upside down when nobody’s looking and see how long it takes someone to notice.
* Grow a home-based Internet business. “Dear Sir, I am Hajia Maryam Abacha, widow of the Late Gen. Sani Abacha former Nigerian Military Head of State who died as a result of cardiac arrest . . . ”
* Raid every single bookstore, gas station, and bodega in the city for those “Bill Me Later” cards to see how many different magazines it’s possible for the Chicago Christian Industrial League to subscribe to.
* Egg Pat Quinn’s house.
* Go into restaurants and ask people if you can taste their food.
* Exactly what is in all those little dark nooks and crannies next to the subway tracks?
* Learn to drive a car.
* Learn the E, A, and D chords on acoustic guitar and play “Louie Louie” over and over outside the Randolph Street Metra station. For extra fun, make up your own lyrics since nobody knows what the real words are anyway.
* Are all-you-can-eat buffets really all you can eat?
* Test the city’s homeland security readiness by seeing how close you can row out to one of the water intake cribs. Just for giggles, plant a big honkin’ Canadian flag out there if you make it all the way without being intercepted.
* Take up an obscure hobby. Earn extra income while improving the metal detecting hobby’s image by proving that not everyone combing city parks and beaches for lost change is fat, ugly, old, bald, missing their front teeth, or geeky-looking.
* Celebrate actor Al Pacino’s birthday early! Stand outside Cook County Jail and see how many people you can get to join you in chanting “Atti-CA! “Atti-CA! “Atti-CA!” really, really loud.
* When it’s feeding time at the Shedd Aquarium, run through the place like it was on fire screaming, “OMIGOD!!! THE SHARKS ARE EATING THE DIVER!!!” and bolt out the front door.
* Welcome people getting off international flights at O’Hare to America with a free White Castle hamburger.
Posted on January 23, 2009