The Democrats, Episode 6

I don’t know whose idea it was – wait, yes I do, it was ABC News’s idea – to hold debates at eight in the morning on a Sunday, but God bless C-SPAN and it’s 5:30 p.m. rebroadcasts. Beachwood loves C-SPAN. Beachwood is not morning people.
So once again, the Mystery Debate Theater team of Andrew Kingsford, Tim Willette, and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to bring you live commentary to better inform citizens about to make a momentous choice. Andrew brought the Spaten and a crappy little bag of almonds.

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Posted on August 20, 2007

You act like I’m no longer alive
Helped buy your house in 2005
Well our land was side by side
We were neighbors, my friend

* Available on YouTube for your embedding needs.
* Obama on the run.
* Beachwood’s Obama coverage in Obamathon.
* Also available from Beachwood Video: “I’m the Tribune/I’m the Sun-Times.”
* New from Beachwood Audio: “Cubs Fans: Please Stop Believin’.”
I Had a Crush Credits: Tony Rezko/Marty Gangler; Music/Tom Latourette; Porch Girl/Jenny Sturrock; Woman in Yellow Hat/Herself; Direction & Editing/Tim Inklebarger; Videographer/Shawn Girvan; Executive Gaffer/Steve Rhodes.

Posted on August 15, 2007

By Julia Gray

With the Illinois General Assembly and Gov. Rod Blagojevich still engaged in a pissing contest over the proposed state budget, there is something the Gov could do to make the gut-wrenching wait more bearable: he could put his signature on HB 1947. This proposal would allow mixed martial arts (MMA) bouts to be held in Illinois. Not only would it bring big, hulking, modern-day gladiators with cauliflower ears to the state, but also huge profits as well.

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Posted on August 13, 2007

The Democrats, Episode 5

I guess the price we pay for a presidential forum at a football stadium is Keith Olbermann comparing the debates to the NFL exhibition season. It’s gonna be a long night; moreso because Steve Rhodes is the only one watching from Beachwood HQ. Tim Willette is reporting live from Soldier Field. Andrew Kingsford is on assignment trying to convince some very wealthy strangers that he is heir to their charcoal fortune. As always, this transcript is edited for length, clarity and sanity.
*
OLBERMANN: What should we not build, what should we not be funding to see to it that our highways and our bridges and our tunnels and our mines are all properly maintained?
DODD: Well, thank you, first of all. And thank you for the warm welcome this evening. I’m a union guy – (cheers) – proudly a union man, and thank you for inviting us to be here tonight.
Let me first of all say that all of us here on the stage at this very moment are thinking about those six mine workers in Utah that are struggling, and their families, this evening. I can’t begin without mentioning them and what they’re going through this evening.
I happen to believe that putting our country back to work begins by cutting the funding for the war in Iraq. (Cheers, applause.) Spending $12 billion every month, spending $2 billion every week has got to stop if we’re going to have a different set of priorities in our country.
CLINTON: Well, Keith, I want to thank the AFL-CIO and MSNBC for having us here. You know, my late father was a fanatic Bears fan and the idea that any of his children would be on the 10-yard line in Soldier Field is an extraordinary accomplishment, as far as I’m concerned.
STEVE: Oh Lord, she played the Bears card.

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Posted on August 8, 2007

By Tim Willette

Unlike the rest of the Mystery Debate Theater team, who on this muggy 90 degree afternoon had the sense to watch Tuesday’s debate on television, I scored a ticket from a friend in the musician’s union and headed down to Soldier Field to catch the performance in person. From my spot in the stands it wasn’t always easy to hear what was being said, and I was a little delirious from the heat, but I’ve transcribed my notes as best as I could in order to give you, gentle reader, a first-hand account of the action:
OLBERMANN: Welcome to the 23rd Democratic presidential debate in big, hot Soldier Field, sponsored by the AFL-CIO and the number 7. I have a lot of questions I want to ask the candidates tonight, and I’m wearing a suit, so let’s get on with it. I’d also appreciate it if the members of the audience would keep their fucking yaps shut so we can get through this thing without killing each other, etcetera.
VENDOR: Hot dogs! Hot dogs here!
OLBERMANN: The order of the questions was chosen completely at random, and to prove it for the first one I’m going to ask a guy who doesn’t stand a chance of winning this race.
RICHARDSON: I resent that, Keith.
OLBERMANN: I was talking to Sen. Biden.

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Posted on August 8, 2007

The Republicans, Episode 4

Why in the world did the Republicans hold their latest debate at eight o’clock on a Sunday morning? Shouldn’t they have been in church?
The timing sure threw off the Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team you’ve become familiar with by now: Andrew Kingsford, Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes. Unbeknownst to Steve and Andrew, Tim actually watched it live. He has weird sleep patterns, and he’s geeky that way. Andrew joined me at Beachwood HQ for the 5:30 p.m. rebroadcast on C-SPAN.
Andrew’s official debate meal: A box of Good & Plenty, two Heineken talls, and a mini Digiorno’s pizza. After the proceedings he promptly fell asleep.
As usual, this transcript has been edited for length, clarity and sanity.
*
MODERATOR GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS, FORMER CLINTON WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR NOW POSING AS A JOURNALIST WHILE OTHER JOURNALISTS ARE OUT OF WORK: You have also been drawing contrasts with Mayor Giuliani during this campaign. I want to show our viewers something you said about Mayor Giuliani on the Christian Broadcasting Network this spring.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ROMNEY: He is pro-choice and pro-gay marriage and anti-gun . . .
STEVE: The Democrats should nominate him!
STEPHANOPOULOS: Do you stand by that? And what is it that you fear a President Giuliani would do on those issues?
MITT ROMNEY: I think Rudy Giuliani is a terrific American and a wonderful mayor. He wasn’t a candidate yet. I think I have a better perspective on his views now . . .
STEVE: . . . that I realize I could be his running mate.

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Posted on August 6, 2007

By Steve Rhodes

Perhaps the most amazing thing about the recent foreign policy fight between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton is how Obama supporters have come to defend a position that even Obama himself does not hold. That is, namely, a commitment to meet with Kim Il-Jong, Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez, Basher al-Assad, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in his first year of presidency, with no pre-conditions, anytime, anywhere.
Rather than admit a mistake, or explain that he was answering the question’s core principle not the details of its formulation, Obama has muddied his position to disguise the fact that he has walked his answer back to the same position held not only by Hillary Clinton but every other Democrat running for president, except Dennis Kucinich, who alone has committed himself to calling rogue leaders on his cell phone.
Let’s review.
1. The day before the debate, Obama is asked if he would meet with Hugo Chavez.“Under certain conditions, I always believe in talking,” he told columnist Andres Oppenheimer.
Under certain conditions.

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Posted on August 3, 2007

By The Beachwood Special Message Affairs Desk

A special message from Northwestern President Henry S. Bienen to faculty, staff, students, and alumni who live in the neighborhood of the Chicago campus
July 2007
As you may be aware, Northwestern University has a contract to sell 850 North Lake Shore Drive, the Lake Shore Center, which was used for graduate student housing for 30 years, to a developer to build a new condominium building. The new building would meet all existing city of Chicago zoning requirements with respect to such matters as height, mass, and use. Unfortunately, there is a move to block this new construction by declaring the existing building a historic landmark. Such action would severely jeopardize Northwestern’s ability to sell the property at a fair price. That’s why I’m taking the unusual step of writing to faculty, staff, students, and alumni who live in the area near our Chicago campus. A drawing and description of the proposed project are enclosed.
I firmly believe that Northwestern University is very beneficial to the city of Chicago. Marshaling our assets in the most effective manner is critical to our missions of teaching, research, and clinical care and building a world-class medical center. Obtaining a fair price for the University’s property directly affects our ability to invest in the Feinberg School of Medicine and our other schools. In addition, restricting the University’s ability to sell its property is detrimental not just to Northwestern but also to the entire Chicago community.

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Posted on July 24, 2007

The Democrats, Episode 4

The Democratic presidential candidates met at The Citadel in Charleston, South Carolina on Monday night for the first YouTube debate featuring questions from citizens via YouTube videos, because The Citadel is apparently known for embracing change and innovation. As always, your Beachwood Debate Theater team of Andrew Kingsford, Tim Willette, and Steve Rhodes were on hand at Beachwood HQ to provide expert commentary. This transcript has been edited for length, clarity, and sanity.
*
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN host: Our first question tonight is Zach Kempf in Provo, Utah.
QUESTION: What’s up? I’m running out of tape; I have to hurry. So my question is: We have a bunch of leaders who can’t seem to do their job. And we pick people based on the issues they that they represent, but then they get in power and they don’t do anything about it anyway.
You’re going to spend this whole night talking about your views on issues, but the issues don’t matter if when you get in power nothing’s going to get done.
I mean, be honest with us. How are you going to be any different?
SEN. CHRISTOPHER DODD: First of all, thank you for inviting us here in The Citadel. It’s great to be here at this wonderful college, university.
Certainly, I think it’s a very important question one ought to be asking because, while hope and confidence and optimism are clearly very important, I think experience matters a great deal.
STEVE: Snap! on Obama.

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Posted on July 24, 2007

By The Beachwood Political Theater Affairs Desk

The governor stars in a new production of an old show.

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Posted on July 23, 2007