By The Hizzoner Affairs Desk

Maybe one of the Chicago newspapers ought to bring Mike Royko back from the grave. For every current development of Mayor Richard M. Daley’s reign probably has a corollary to his father’s reign – and thus, a fitting Royko column. (Same with the Cubs.) The University of Chicago Press has some excerpts from For The Love of Mike online, including this one.
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What’s Behind Daley’s Words?
February 16, 1973
By Mike Royko
Several theories have arisen as to what Mayor Daley really meant a few days ago when he said:
“If they don’t like it, they can kiss my ass.”
On the surface, it appeared that the mayor was merely admonishing those who would dare question the royal favors he has bestowed upon his sons, Prince Curly, Prince Larry, and Prince Moe.
But it can be a mistake to accept the superficial meaning of anything the mayor says.

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Posted on October 17, 2007

The Republicans, Episode 6

Once again the Mystery Debate Theater team of Andrew Kingsford, Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to watch candidates for president debate in order to bring you the news and comedy you’ll need to make a decision in November ’08.
This time it was the Republicans from Dearborn, Michigan, in a debate loosely organized around economic issues.
Tim brought the Red Bull (I finally see the symbolism) while Andrew brought those cute Heineken keg beer cans and ordered Chinese. Being of Australian birth, Andrew ordered in his faux American accent to avoid the otherwise inevitable cross-cultural translation issues. “I’ll be on the phone for three hours and then the wrong order will go to the wrong house,” Andrew explained defensively.
Andrew promptly fell asleep – I think while Fred Thompson was talking – so you’ll notice him disappear from the transcript early on. He also might have been mad because I called him a wanker, like his father before him, who was from the House of Wankers. And then he learned upon exiting Beachwood HQ that his bike had been stolen.
I wonder if that will make him a Republican.
The following transcript has been edited for clarity, space and sanity.

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Posted on October 10, 2007

The Republicans, Episode 5

The Republican frontrunners weren’t the only ones missing from Thursday night’s debate at Morgan State University. Our very own Andrew Kingsford was MIA (in heavy REM, we suspected), though we’re certain he loves black people. I would dare say, though, that anyone who votes for Rudy Giuliani, John McCain, Mitt Romney or Fred Thompson is a race traitor – no matter what your race.
The rest of the Mystery Debate Theater team – Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes – gathered once again at Beachwood HQ to bring you the best coverage in the nation. Tom Joyner and Tavis Smiley moderated. As always, this transcript is edited for length, clarity and sanity.
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JOYNER: We may not agree on all the issues, but we do agree on the importance of an evening like this, and you demonstrate that sentiment with your presence. And to the esteemed candidates, whether you’re pro-life or pro- choice, for the war in Iraq or against it, for Kanye West or 50 Cent . . .
TIM: . .. pro-coming here tonight, or against it . . .
JOYNER: . . . it’s your turn to share your message with an audience that’s stretched further than it’s ever been stretched before, and that’s a good thing. And let me take a moment right here and now to say hello to those of you viewing from home. Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Senator John McCain. Governor Mitt Romney. And Senator Fred Thompson.
TIM: Good thing this isn’t a restaurant or they’d be saying we can’t seat you until your party is full.

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Posted on September 28, 2007

The Democrats, Episode 7

Yet again the Mystery Debate Theater team of Andrew Kingsford, Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to check in with the pathologically power-thirsty people who want to be your president. Andrew ordered fried rice and Tim downed about a half-dozen Red Bulls. Most noticeable was the strange frequency of trains running on the Blue Line through my backyard. Tim theorized they were running a bunch of ’em in a row to get their average up. I theorized that Red Line and Orange Line trains were now also running to O’Hare. Or that trains were just running back-and-forth between the Damen and Division stops, perhaps even drag racing. Andrew was too aggravated to theorize.
As always, the following transcript has been edited for length, clarity and sanity.
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MODERATOR TIM RUSSERT: Senator Obama, I’d like to start with you. General Petraeus in his testimony before Congress, later echoed by President Bush, gave every indication that in January of 2009 when the next president takes office, there will be 100,000 troops in Iraq. You’re the president. What do you do? You said you would end the war. How do you do it in January of 2009?
OBAMA: Well, first of all, Tim, let me say thank you to Dartmouth for hosting this event. And let me also say that had my judgment prevailed back in 2002, we wouldn’t be in this predicament. I was opposed to this war from the start, have been opposed to this war consistently.
STEVE: The first thing I will do when I get into office is talk about how opposed to the war I was.

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Posted on September 27, 2007

By Rick Kaempfer

The FCC came to town last week for a hearing at Operation PUSH about proposed changes to media consolidation rules as well as other topics such as minority ownership of media outlets. Our very own Rick Kaempfer was there and filed this report.
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I wrote a two-minute speech (the time alloted for each speaker), hired a babysitter, drove over to Jesse Jackson’s Operation PUSH headquarters, and by the time I arrived I was #170 on the list. While I was encouraged to see how many people showed up (it was packed), and how unanimous everyone was in opposition to this latest deregulation proposal, I could also do math in my head. As #170 on the list, at best I had a 5-hour and 40-minute wait, and there was no way I was going to get my time in. So, I listened for about an hour or so, and then drove home. Here’s what I would have said:

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Posted on September 24, 2007

A Beachwood Investigation
1. The system he was going to rock.
2. Favors list.
3. Address to the mansion in Springfield.

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Posted on September 12, 2007

Tap Three Times

By Tom Latourette

Hey boy, what ya doin’ in there
Sitting alone in that stall let’s engage in lewd conduct
I can hear the toilets flushing
Soon our fluids will be gushing
My Senate seat is below me, perhaps you will blow me
I’m not gay
Never have been!

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Posted on September 10, 2007

By The Beachwood Tapping Affairs Desk

If Rod Blagojevich had been the one caught tapping his foot in a men’s room . . .
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1. “You’ve got this all wrong. I just reached down to grab my approval ratings, which had actually fallen through the floor . . . ”
2. “I guess I was being too literal in my efforts to low-ball the state legislature.”
3. “I have to use a wide stance when I’m on the toilet, officer, because I’m completely full of shit.”

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Posted on September 4, 2007

The Beachwood Alternate Universe Affairs Desk

Paul Vallas is now the superintendent of New Orleans’ Recovery School District.
Which got us to wondering: If Vallas had won the Illinois Democratic nomination for governor in 2002 and had gone on to become governor instead of Rod Blagojevich, what do you suppose Rod would be doing right now?
1. Screwing up a three-car funeral.
2. Running FEMA.
3. Subprime lender.

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Posted on August 30, 2007

By Steve Rhodes

A roundup.
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The Better Government Association’s chief investigator, Dan Sprehe, released this statement on Tuesday following the U.S. 7th Circuit Court of Appeals’ decision upholding former Gov. George Ryan’s conviction on a variety of political corruption charges:
“Will You Take Responsiblity Now, Mr. Ryan?
“Twenty-five years ago, the Better Government Association (BGA) and Chicago Sun-Times found a Kankakee pharmacy, owned by then-Illinois House Speaker George Ryan, mysteriously regained $60,000 of annual business from a troubled nursing home. This was following Ryan�s successful efforts to block an investigation into that facility, which contained serious safety and health violations. Ryan called the facts and inherent implications revealed by the BGA and Sun-Times outright and damnable lies.

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Posted on August 22, 2007