The Republicans, Episode 7

Once again the Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team of Andrew (Sleepy) Kingsford, Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to monitor the movements of our presidential candidates. This time it was the Republican CNN/YouTube debate from St. Petersburg, Florida.
Andrew ate a cup of yogurt and took a nap on my couch until I called him on his cell phone and asked him if he was coming over for the debate. Tim tanked up on Red Bull and lines from A Few Good Men. Steve manned the laptop in disgust. Anderson Cooper moderated.
As always, this transcript has been edited for length and sanity.
*
COOPER: There’s been some concern among the campaigns about what kind of questions are going to be asked tonight.
STEVE: Arrrrrrmy questions, sir.

Read More

Posted on November 29, 2007

By The Beachwood Political Theater Affairs Desk

The Republican presidential candidates gather in St. Petersburg, Florida tonight for the CNN/YouTube debate and, as is our habit, the Mystery Debate Theater team will gather at Beachwood HQ to bring you the action. To help get you pumped up, we offer a preview of both tonight’s debate and the rest of the Republican schedule.
*
The Beachwood Political Affairs Desk has learned that the following video questions are under consideration:
1. Snowman: I was born right here in the U.S. of A. Shouldn’t I be allowed to get a drivers license?
2. Woman breast feeding an assault rifle: This is my baby. Do you really want to take her away from me? Part two: Do you mind if I breast feed her in public?
3. Congressman Tancredo, you’ve sponsored legislation that would make English the official language of the United States. Can you name the ten major parts of speech?”

Read More

Posted on November 28, 2007

By The Beachwood Barstow Bureau

While the rest of the media left Las Vegas shortly after the Democratic candidates debate last Thursday night, the crack Beachwood Barstow Bureau hung around to scope out how the candidates unwound later that evening. Here’s what they found.
*
Joe Biden. Placed large bets on the roulette wheel based on dividing the table into three. Also sweet-talked the cocktail waitresses into a raucous after-hours party in the MTV suite at the Palms where, of course, he had a three-way. Found singing karaoke in the wee hours of the night at a Harrah’s lounge.
Hillary Clinton. Stuck to the blackjack tables where she played two hands at once. She also counted cards and walked away the biggest winner. Never actually checked into a room but managed to make an appearance at every hotel on the strip and the Four Queens downtown.
Mike Gravel. Railed at his fellow craps players at the Bellagio for their disingenuous play before maxing out his credit cards and transferring to Caesar’s Palace, where he tried to incite insurrection among the waitstaff. Forcibly put in a cab and sent to Circus Circus.

Read More

Posted on November 20, 2007

The Democrats, Episode 9

Once again the Mystery Debate Theater team of Tim Willette, Andrew Kingsford and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to witness the grand political spectacle that is the presidential debate. This time it was the Democrats in Las Vegas, providing plenty of punnery that we will not inflict on readers, because really, it’s too cheap and easy to make jokes about running into Dennis Kucinich at the Hacienda buffet. Andrew brought a six-pack of Pilsner Urquell and a microwave burrito (“Forty-five seconds my arse!”), leaving Tim and Steve to fend for themselves two hours later at the 7-11.
As always, the following transcript has been edited for length, clarity and comedy.

Read More

Posted on November 16, 2007

Dear Enabling Aldermen:

Kill two birds with one stone. Invite an exorcist to say the prayer opening your next meeting and then put him to work on Ald. George Cardenas (12th).
Cardenas lacked only a spinning head at the City Council budget showdown Tuesday, so clearly was he possessed by the spirit of the first Mayor Daley. And the first Mayor Daley was ready to hurl green vomit at aldermen who dared vote against the current Mayor Daley’s 2008 budget with its $83 million property tax increase.
“It’s easy to talk about! It’s easy to criticize!” Cardenas/Richard J. Daley sputtered, nearly levitating above his microphone.

Read More

Posted on November 14, 2007

By Steve Rhodes

1. “Barack Obama’s presidential campaign ‘scored a significant hit’ against chief rival Hillary Rodham Clinton ‘by helping to place’ a story about tainted Democratic donor Norman Hsu, according to an article about Obama in the December issue of The Atlantic,” Lynn Sweet reports.
“The story, titled ‘Teacher and Apprentice’ by associate editor Marc Ambinder, describes how Obama campaign staffers were ‘frustrated’ because the press was not covering Clinton ‘in the way they expected it would.’
“‘. . . And at a campaign event in Iowa, one of Obama’s aides plopped down next to me and spoke even more bluntly. He wanted to know when reporters would begin to look into Bill Clinton’s postpresidential sex life,’ Ambinder writes.

Read More

Posted on November 9, 2007

By Steve Rhodes

Once again the Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team of Tim Willette, Andrew Kingsford and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ for a night of revelry and disgust as the Democratic candidates for president spun their little lies and deployed cute laugh lines written for them by their highly-paid advisors. This debate was carried out mostly in a continual monotone; Mike Gravel was not allowed to participate because he was deemed to have an insufficient chance of emerging as the party’s nominee, as if Bill Richardson, Joe Biden or Chris Dodd will be heading the ticket. Gravel was missed.
Here is a transcript of the proceedings edited for clarity, wit, length and sanity. Please note the late arrival of Mr. Kingsford, and his lame choice of convenience store snackery.
*
CO-MODERATOR BRIAN WILLIAMS: Senator Obama, we’ll begin with you. You gave an interview to The New York Times over the weekend pledging in it to be more aggressive, to be tougher in your campaign against your chief rival for the nomination, the leader among Democrats so far, Senator Clinton, who is here next to you tonight.
Specifically, what are the issues where you, Senator Obama, and Senator Clinton have differed, where you think she has sounded or voted like a Republican?
OBAMA: Well, first of all, I think some of this stuff gets overhyped. In fact, I think this has been the most hyped fight since Rocky fought Apollo Creed, although the amazing thing is I’m Rocky in this situation. (Laughter.)
STEVE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Stop, you’re killing me.

Read More

Posted on October 31, 2007

By Kiljoong Kim

A family of three including a four-year-old child moves from Rogers Park in the city’s Far North Side to Hammond, Indiana; a move from a two-bedroom apartment to a three-bedroom house with a large backyard. The Puerto Rican father and Korean mother do not know exactly know what to expect in a place like Hammond, but they do know that the area will not offer the degree of diversity or access to Lake Michigan as Rogers Park had offered to their four-year-old son. Given the rising cost of rent, however, they decide that their best shot at homeownership is outside of Chicago. Despite crossing county and state lines, though, some would consider their move within proximity of the metropolitan area.
Many researchers and policymakers have emphasized the importance of regionalism for the past couple of decades. Regionalism means to consider Chicago as a metropolitan area beyond its city limits and to include its surrounding counties when it comes to planning and development. But what makes up this larger area?
Increasingly, the answer is Indiana.

Read More

Posted on October 23, 2007

Editor’s Note: Doug Dobmeyer is the spokesperson for the Task Force to Oppose Gambling in Chicago. He sent this along this morning.
*
House Hearing on a Chicago Casino
(October 18, 2007, Chicago, IL . . . ) The House Gaming Committee held a six-and-a-half hour hearing on a proposed Chicago casino.
Paul Volpe, Chicago’s Chief Financial Officer, pled the case for Mayor Daley. Volpe claimed that thousands of jobs would be created (1,800 construction and 1,900 casino jobs) in addition to 6,700 jobs at the services that work with the casino. Volpe made it sound fantastic. He did not tell how many of the construction and non-casino jobs would exist anyway.
Volpe asserted the city would only take on a casino if it was “profitable.” The meaning of profitable remained undisclosed all day. He did state that the estimated $800 million license fee would not make the venture profitable. Later he stated that even one dollar was too much. That extreme statement left people feeling Chicago was being arrogant. Later it was thought a private operator might pay $ 2 billion for a license to operate a Chicago casino.

Read More

Posted on October 19, 2007

Letters To The Political Editor

Readers weigh in on Ald. Tom Tunney’s cell phone scandal, the city’s beautiful flowers, and the death of affordable Chicago.
*
1. Dear Beachwood Politics:
Tom Tunney should be ashamed of himself for so many reasons.
First, he violated a law. Period. It doesn’t matter what he thinks of that law — and for the record, he supported it in 2005. Alderman Tunney, an elected official, does not get to violate it.
Nor does he get special dispensation to do an end run around the repercussions, but what Alderman Tunney should really be ashamed of is putting the blame on the police in general and Town Hall District Commander Gary Yamashiroya in particular.
As resident of the neighboring 46th Ward, I can attest first hand to the dedication of Commander Yamashiroya and the differences made in this community since he arrived. He has attended community policing and positive loitering events at particularly troublesome spots in his district, and has even been spotted personally patrolling the parks at night to better enforce curfews.

Read More

Posted on October 18, 2007