The Democrats, Episode 3

Once again the Beachwood’s crack team of analysts gathered at HQ to size up the candidates for leader of the free world – this time the Democrats meeting at Howard University in a forum focused on race. Andrew Kingsford, Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes provide the commentary.
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Andrew: Look, there’s a white guy in the audience!
Steve: This is like bizarro debate.
*
Host Tavis Smiley begins speaking.
Steve: I’d like to say that as we speak, all whites are being rounded up . . .
Andrew: And put in cabs to Arizona.
*
Crowd shot of Cornel West.
Tim: Ever hear his record?
Andrew: He has a record?
Steve: It’s post-structuralist rap.

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Posted on June 29, 2007

The Republicans, Episode 3

It was a little too soon for the Beachwood Mystery Debate team to bounce back from Sunday night’s Democratic debate to cover Tuesday night’s Republican debate – I mean, even we have our limits – so this is an edited and adapted transcript with commentary added this morning from Beachwood HQ. It’s still pretty good.
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MR. BLITZER: So let’s meet the candidates. We’ve asked for no opening statements. However, I’d like to ask each candidate to — in one short sentence, about five seconds or so, to introduce themselves to the voters of New Hampshire.
Let me begin with an example. I’m Wolf Blitzer, and I’m with CNN. (Laughter.) Let’s start across the stage, and we’ll begin with Tom Tancredo.
REP. TANCREDO: Hi. I’m Tom Tancredo.
Beachwood: And I’ll only be in this race for two more months.

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Posted on June 6, 2007

The Democrats, Episode 2

Once again the Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team of Tim Willette, Andrew Kingsford and Steve Rhodes convened at Beachwood HQ to share Polish beer, takeout from Eat First #2, and a presidential candidates debate, this time the Democrats in their second such meeting.
The event actually exceeded our expectations; it was mostly a lively and substantive discussion – until question time from the public. Let’s just say that sometimes citizens are a buzzkill.

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Posted on June 4, 2007

The Republicans, Episode 2

The Republican candidates for president met in South Carolina Tuesday night for their second debate, this one sponsored by Fox News. The Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team of Andrew Kingsford, Tim Willette, and Steve Rhodes was on-hand at Beachwood HQ to analyze the proceedings.
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The candidates were introduced with a graphic summary of vital statistics, including religion. Then to Brit Hume.
Hume: I’m Brit Hume . . .
Andrew: . . . and I’m an atheist.
Tim: Let’s make him a Druid.
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Tommy Thompson talks about being tough on criminals.
Andrew: I not only killed them, but made them into cheese!
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We were all expecting the body of Jerry Falwell to lie in state on the stage tonight. No such luck. Republicans have no sense of humor.

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Posted on May 16, 2007

The Republicans, Episode 1

Welcome to the second installment of our presidential debate series. Beachwood commentators on-hand: Steve Rhodes, Andrew Kingsford, Tim Willette. Debaters on-hand: 10 Republicans filled with latent homosexuality gathered at the Ronald Reagan Library in Simi Valley. There were no black people in attendance.
Unlike the Democratic debate last week, I prepared the Beachwood HQ viewing room for this one by purchasing a box of Dwight Yoakam’s Chicken Lickin’s – seeing as how they may not be available in Wicker Park much longer – and was seduced by the 2-for-$5 special on Walgreens premium ice cream. Once I figured out which of the Walgreens offerings were “premium,” I bought big round cartons of Strawberry Cheesecake and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. We ended up ordering Chinese instead. Andrew brought the beer. I broke out my Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms coffee mug. Oh wait, Republicans hate the ATF. Or do they love it? I can’t keep track.

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Posted on May 4, 2007

The Democrats, Episode 1

The Beachwood is proud to kick off its Mystery Debate Theater series with last night’s Democratic brouhaha in South Carolina. Our commentary is provided by Steve Rhodes and Beachwood contributor Andrew Kingsford.
Note: We tuned in late, but just in time to see Barack Obama asked what he would consider “mission complete” status in Iraq and 100 percent not answer the question. He went nowhere near it. Let’s pick up the action from there.

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Posted on April 27, 2007