The Democrats, Episode 9

Once again the Mystery Debate Theater team of Tim Willette, Andrew Kingsford and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to witness the grand political spectacle that is the presidential debate. This time it was the Democrats in Las Vegas, providing plenty of punnery that we will not inflict on readers, because really, it’s too cheap and easy to make jokes about running into Dennis Kucinich at the Hacienda buffet. Andrew brought a six-pack of Pilsner Urquell and a microwave burrito (“Forty-five seconds my arse!”), leaving Tim and Steve to fend for themselves two hours later at the 7-11.
As always, the following transcript has been edited for length, clarity and comedy.

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Posted on November 16, 2007

By Steve Rhodes

Once again the Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team of Tim Willette, Andrew Kingsford and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ for a night of revelry and disgust as the Democratic candidates for president spun their little lies and deployed cute laugh lines written for them by their highly-paid advisors. This debate was carried out mostly in a continual monotone; Mike Gravel was not allowed to participate because he was deemed to have an insufficient chance of emerging as the party’s nominee, as if Bill Richardson, Joe Biden or Chris Dodd will be heading the ticket. Gravel was missed.
Here is a transcript of the proceedings edited for clarity, wit, length and sanity. Please note the late arrival of Mr. Kingsford, and his lame choice of convenience store snackery.
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CO-MODERATOR BRIAN WILLIAMS: Senator Obama, we’ll begin with you. You gave an interview to The New York Times over the weekend pledging in it to be more aggressive, to be tougher in your campaign against your chief rival for the nomination, the leader among Democrats so far, Senator Clinton, who is here next to you tonight.
Specifically, what are the issues where you, Senator Obama, and Senator Clinton have differed, where you think she has sounded or voted like a Republican?
OBAMA: Well, first of all, I think some of this stuff gets overhyped. In fact, I think this has been the most hyped fight since Rocky fought Apollo Creed, although the amazing thing is I’m Rocky in this situation. (Laughter.)
STEVE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Stop, you’re killing me.

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Posted on October 31, 2007

The Republicans, Episode 6

Once again the Mystery Debate Theater team of Andrew Kingsford, Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to watch candidates for president debate in order to bring you the news and comedy you’ll need to make a decision in November ’08.
This time it was the Republicans from Dearborn, Michigan, in a debate loosely organized around economic issues.
Tim brought the Red Bull (I finally see the symbolism) while Andrew brought those cute Heineken keg beer cans and ordered Chinese. Being of Australian birth, Andrew ordered in his faux American accent to avoid the otherwise inevitable cross-cultural translation issues. “I’ll be on the phone for three hours and then the wrong order will go to the wrong house,” Andrew explained defensively.
Andrew promptly fell asleep – I think while Fred Thompson was talking – so you’ll notice him disappear from the transcript early on. He also might have been mad because I called him a wanker, like his father before him, who was from the House of Wankers. And then he learned upon exiting Beachwood HQ that his bike had been stolen.
I wonder if that will make him a Republican.
The following transcript has been edited for clarity, space and sanity.

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Posted on October 10, 2007

The Republicans, Episode 5

The Republican frontrunners weren’t the only ones missing from Thursday night’s debate at Morgan State University. Our very own Andrew Kingsford was MIA (in heavy REM, we suspected), though we’re certain he loves black people. I would dare say, though, that anyone who votes for Rudy Giuliani, John McCain, Mitt Romney or Fred Thompson is a race traitor – no matter what your race.
The rest of the Mystery Debate Theater team – Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes – gathered once again at Beachwood HQ to bring you the best coverage in the nation. Tom Joyner and Tavis Smiley moderated. As always, this transcript is edited for length, clarity and sanity.
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JOYNER: We may not agree on all the issues, but we do agree on the importance of an evening like this, and you demonstrate that sentiment with your presence. And to the esteemed candidates, whether you’re pro-life or pro- choice, for the war in Iraq or against it, for Kanye West or 50 Cent . . .
TIM: . .. pro-coming here tonight, or against it . . .
JOYNER: . . . it’s your turn to share your message with an audience that’s stretched further than it’s ever been stretched before, and that’s a good thing. And let me take a moment right here and now to say hello to those of you viewing from home. Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Senator John McCain. Governor Mitt Romney. And Senator Fred Thompson.
TIM: Good thing this isn’t a restaurant or they’d be saying we can’t seat you until your party is full.

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Posted on September 28, 2007

The Democrats, Episode 7

Yet again the Mystery Debate Theater team of Andrew Kingsford, Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to check in with the pathologically power-thirsty people who want to be your president. Andrew ordered fried rice and Tim downed about a half-dozen Red Bulls. Most noticeable was the strange frequency of trains running on the Blue Line through my backyard. Tim theorized they were running a bunch of ’em in a row to get their average up. I theorized that Red Line and Orange Line trains were now also running to O’Hare. Or that trains were just running back-and-forth between the Damen and Division stops, perhaps even drag racing. Andrew was too aggravated to theorize.
As always, the following transcript has been edited for length, clarity and sanity.
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MODERATOR TIM RUSSERT: Senator Obama, I’d like to start with you. General Petraeus in his testimony before Congress, later echoed by President Bush, gave every indication that in January of 2009 when the next president takes office, there will be 100,000 troops in Iraq. You’re the president. What do you do? You said you would end the war. How do you do it in January of 2009?
OBAMA: Well, first of all, Tim, let me say thank you to Dartmouth for hosting this event. And let me also say that had my judgment prevailed back in 2002, we wouldn’t be in this predicament. I was opposed to this war from the start, have been opposed to this war consistently.
STEVE: The first thing I will do when I get into office is talk about how opposed to the war I was.

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Posted on September 27, 2007

The Democrats, Episode 6

I don’t know whose idea it was – wait, yes I do, it was ABC News’s idea – to hold debates at eight in the morning on a Sunday, but God bless C-SPAN and it’s 5:30 p.m. rebroadcasts. Beachwood loves C-SPAN. Beachwood is not morning people.
So once again, the Mystery Debate Theater team of Andrew Kingsford, Tim Willette, and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to bring you live commentary to better inform citizens about to make a momentous choice. Andrew brought the Spaten and a crappy little bag of almonds.

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Posted on August 20, 2007

The Democrats, Episode 5

I guess the price we pay for a presidential forum at a football stadium is Keith Olbermann comparing the debates to the NFL exhibition season. It’s gonna be a long night; moreso because Steve Rhodes is the only one watching from Beachwood HQ. Tim Willette is reporting live from Soldier Field. Andrew Kingsford is on assignment trying to convince some very wealthy strangers that he is heir to their charcoal fortune. As always, this transcript is edited for length, clarity and sanity.
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OLBERMANN: What should we not build, what should we not be funding to see to it that our highways and our bridges and our tunnels and our mines are all properly maintained?
DODD: Well, thank you, first of all. And thank you for the warm welcome this evening. I’m a union guy – (cheers) – proudly a union man, and thank you for inviting us to be here tonight.
Let me first of all say that all of us here on the stage at this very moment are thinking about those six mine workers in Utah that are struggling, and their families, this evening. I can’t begin without mentioning them and what they’re going through this evening.
I happen to believe that putting our country back to work begins by cutting the funding for the war in Iraq. (Cheers, applause.) Spending $12 billion every month, spending $2 billion every week has got to stop if we’re going to have a different set of priorities in our country.
CLINTON: Well, Keith, I want to thank the AFL-CIO and MSNBC for having us here. You know, my late father was a fanatic Bears fan and the idea that any of his children would be on the 10-yard line in Soldier Field is an extraordinary accomplishment, as far as I’m concerned.
STEVE: Oh Lord, she played the Bears card.

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Posted on August 8, 2007

By Tim Willette

Unlike the rest of the Mystery Debate Theater team, who on this muggy 90 degree afternoon had the sense to watch Tuesday’s debate on television, I scored a ticket from a friend in the musician’s union and headed down to Soldier Field to catch the performance in person. From my spot in the stands it wasn’t always easy to hear what was being said, and I was a little delirious from the heat, but I’ve transcribed my notes as best as I could in order to give you, gentle reader, a first-hand account of the action:
OLBERMANN: Welcome to the 23rd Democratic presidential debate in big, hot Soldier Field, sponsored by the AFL-CIO and the number 7. I have a lot of questions I want to ask the candidates tonight, and I’m wearing a suit, so let’s get on with it. I’d also appreciate it if the members of the audience would keep their fucking yaps shut so we can get through this thing without killing each other, etcetera.
VENDOR: Hot dogs! Hot dogs here!
OLBERMANN: The order of the questions was chosen completely at random, and to prove it for the first one I’m going to ask a guy who doesn’t stand a chance of winning this race.
RICHARDSON: I resent that, Keith.
OLBERMANN: I was talking to Sen. Biden.

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Posted on August 8, 2007

The Republicans, Episode 4

Why in the world did the Republicans hold their latest debate at eight o’clock on a Sunday morning? Shouldn’t they have been in church?
The timing sure threw off the Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team you’ve become familiar with by now: Andrew Kingsford, Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes. Unbeknownst to Steve and Andrew, Tim actually watched it live. He has weird sleep patterns, and he’s geeky that way. Andrew joined me at Beachwood HQ for the 5:30 p.m. rebroadcast on C-SPAN.
Andrew’s official debate meal: A box of Good & Plenty, two Heineken talls, and a mini Digiorno’s pizza. After the proceedings he promptly fell asleep.
As usual, this transcript has been edited for length, clarity and sanity.
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MODERATOR GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS, FORMER CLINTON WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR NOW POSING AS A JOURNALIST WHILE OTHER JOURNALISTS ARE OUT OF WORK: You have also been drawing contrasts with Mayor Giuliani during this campaign. I want to show our viewers something you said about Mayor Giuliani on the Christian Broadcasting Network this spring.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ROMNEY: He is pro-choice and pro-gay marriage and anti-gun . . .
STEVE: The Democrats should nominate him!
STEPHANOPOULOS: Do you stand by that? And what is it that you fear a President Giuliani would do on those issues?
MITT ROMNEY: I think Rudy Giuliani is a terrific American and a wonderful mayor. He wasn’t a candidate yet. I think I have a better perspective on his views now . . .
STEVE: . . . that I realize I could be his running mate.

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Posted on August 6, 2007

The Democrats, Episode 4

The Democratic presidential candidates met at The Citadel in Charleston, South Carolina on Monday night for the first YouTube debate featuring questions from citizens via YouTube videos, because The Citadel is apparently known for embracing change and innovation. As always, your Beachwood Debate Theater team of Andrew Kingsford, Tim Willette, and Steve Rhodes were on hand at Beachwood HQ to provide expert commentary. This transcript has been edited for length, clarity, and sanity.
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ANDERSON COOPER, CNN host: Our first question tonight is Zach Kempf in Provo, Utah.
QUESTION: What’s up? I’m running out of tape; I have to hurry. So my question is: We have a bunch of leaders who can’t seem to do their job. And we pick people based on the issues they that they represent, but then they get in power and they don’t do anything about it anyway.
You’re going to spend this whole night talking about your views on issues, but the issues don’t matter if when you get in power nothing’s going to get done.
I mean, be honest with us. How are you going to be any different?
SEN. CHRISTOPHER DODD: First of all, thank you for inviting us here in The Citadel. It’s great to be here at this wonderful college, university.
Certainly, I think it’s a very important question one ought to be asking because, while hope and confidence and optimism are clearly very important, I think experience matters a great deal.
STEVE: Snap! on Obama.

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Posted on July 24, 2007