The Democrats, Episode 14

Once again the Mystery Debate Theater team of Steve Rhodes, Tim Willette and Andrew Kingsford settled in for a night of rollickin’ good times, brought to us by CNN and Univision. Well, I don’t know where Andrew was last night and me and Tim were in our separate quarters, but we managed to squeeze out another round of commentary that easily surpasses that of highly-paid pundits in both wit and wisdom. As usual, this transcript is edited for space, clarity and sanity.
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OBAMA: The problem we have is that Washington has become a place where good ideas go to die.
STEVE: As opposed to, say, Springfield.
OBAMA: They go to die in Washington, because too many politicians are interested in scoring political points rather than bridging differences in order to get things done.
STEVE: As opposed to, say, Springfield.
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UNIVISION’S JORGE RAMOS: Would you be willing to sit down with Raul Castro or whoever leads the Cuban dictatorship when you take office at least just once to get a measure of the man?

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Posted on February 22, 2008

The Democrats, Episode 13

Once again, the Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team gathered at Beachwood HQ to deride and bemoan debating candidates for president. Instead, we enjoyed a real treat of a debate. But that doesn’t mean we didn’t find a lot of things to pick on.
Andrew Kingsford arrived late as you will note with his own special tribute to the dearly departed John Edwards, while an ailing Tim Willette e-mailed in his comments from his sickbed. Steve Rhodes hosted.
As always, this transcript has been edited for clarity, space and sanity.
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WOLF BLITZER, CNN: Let’s begin with Senator Obama.
OBAMA: First of all want to acknowledge a candidate who left the race this week, John Edwards . . .
STEVE: Like John, I was born in a mill.
TIM: I want to thank John Edwards for helping build this stage. He’s up there in the rigging tonight.
BLITZER: Senator Clinton?
CLINTON: I’m very grateful for the extraordinary service of John and Elizabeth Edwards.
STEVE: Why no shout-outs to the Dodds?

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Posted on February 1, 2008

The Republicans, Episode 9

Followers of Mystery Debate Theater know that I haven’t been able to convene the Mystery Debate team at Beachwood HQ recently and last night’s Republican fiesta in Florida was no exception. After all, a new episode of Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew was on, as well as an episode of Ocean Force: Huntington Beach called “Beach Blanket Bedlam,” whose highlight was the defiant perp who said “So take me to jail, I stole a volleyball!” One has to live a little.
But I’ve reviewed the transcript this morning because that’s how much I care about you, the reader. Here is what we might call a tape delay version of Mystery Debate Theater. Let’s give the Republicans their due.
As always, this transcript has been edited for clarity, space and sanity.
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MODERATOR BRIAN WILLIAMS: Governor Romney, the president just today signed off on this economic stimulus plan that would send out 116 million checks to American homes. The plan is somewhat contrary to yours. Are you disappointed that your recipe for the economy was not embraced by the president?
ROMNEY: Mine was a little different. It had a permanent tax cut for people at the lowest income tax bracket. I also have a savings plan for individuals that allows folks who are making under $200,000 a year to save their money tax free.
STEVE: Plus, I offered credit cards with no interest until July 1.

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Posted on January 25, 2008

The Democrats, Episode 13

Due to distractions caused by the impact of a severe recession at Beachwood HQ and emergency efforts to stave off a Great Depression, the Mystery Debate Theater team was unable to meet to watch the Democratic debate in South Carolina, but once again that didn’t prevent Steve Rhodes and Tim Willette from exchanging witty e-mails during the proceedings. As always, this transcript has been edited for clarity, space and sanity.
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JOE JOHNS, CNN: How much money would your stimulus plan put in the pockets of the average South Carolinian?
STEVE: More than North Carolinians will get!
STEVE: Alternate answer: Is that a stimulus plan in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

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Posted on January 22, 2008

The Democrats, Episode 11

Due to various unpleasant tasks that needed attending to, the Mystery Debate Theater team did not convene at Beachwood HQ to observe the Democratic debate in Las Vegas last night, but team members Steve Rhodes and Tim Willette corresponded via e-mail during the proceedings to bring what is surely one of our best episodes – it gets better as it goes along, so stick with it. The transcript, as always, is edited for space, clarity and sanity.
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BRIAN WILLIAMS: As we sit here this, as you may you may know, is the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King’s birthday. Race was one of the issues we expected to discuss here tonight. Our sponsors expected it of us. No one, however, expected it to be quite so prominent in this race as it has been over the last 10 days.
We needn’t go back over all that has happened, except to say that this discussion, before it was over, involved Dr. King, President Johnson, even Sidney Poitier, several members of Congress and a prominent African-American businessman, supporting Senator Clinton, who made what seemed to be a reference to a part of Senator Obama’s teenage past that the senator himself has written about in his autobiography.
The question to begin with here tonight, Senator Clinton, is, how did we get here?
CLINTON: Well, I think that what’s most important is that Senator Obama and I agree completely that, you know, neither race nor gender should be a part of this campaign.
STEVE: Therefore, we’re endorsing John Edwards. It’s a unity ticket.

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Posted on January 16, 2008

New Hampshire Edition

The day started with So-Called Austin Mayor sending me these photos with the comment, “I don’t understand why the paramedics don’t just let the woman touch the hem of Obama’s garment so that she can be healed . . . ”
The night ended with me being impressed by an Obama speech for the first time. It was New Hampshire’s Bizarro Primary. Here is my real-time, one-man Mystery Primary Theater journal.
– Steve Rhodes
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The Preliminaries
CHANGE We Can Believe In, the Obama slogan plastered all over his signs, says you can’t believe Hillary. Just to make sure we understand what kind of campaign he’s running – the same one the right-wing ran in the 90s.
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“This whole thing is the biggest fairy tale that I’ve seen,” Bill Clinton just said. He was talking about Obama’s war position. He added something like “Just because you sanitize it doesn’t mean the facts aren’t out there.”
Wow. That’s a pretty bold move. But he’s right.
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Huckabee too. Why wasn’t he vetted earlier? The media doesn’t like to do its job until it’s too late. And what about the Tribune’s big series on Obama? Why aren’t those questions still being asked and those points still being raised?
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How quickly we forget.

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Posted on January 9, 2008

The Democrats, Episode 10

The Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team did not meet at Beachwood HQ for the New Hampshire double-header on Saturday night. But we did end up covering it.
Earlier in the day.
Steve: There are two debates tonight, but I just don’t think I have the strength or time to cope with it. I’ve got a lot of other things to do.
Tim: Me too.
Debate starts. Steve calls Tim.
Steve: This sucks. There’s no way I can not watch this. I’m really getting a lot done and I’d prefer to have some dumb sci-fi flick on in the background, you know?
Tim: I know! Son of Svengoolie is having Son of Frankenstein tonight!

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Posted on January 7, 2008

The Republicans, Episode 8

The Beachwood Mystery Debate Team did not meet at Beachwood HQ for the New Hampshire double-header on Saturday night.
Earlier in the day.
Steve: There are two debates tonight, but I just don’t think I have the strength or time to cope with it. I’ve got a lot of other things to do.
Tim: Me too.
Debate starts.
Steve: This sucks. There’s no way I can not watch this. I’m really getting a lot done and I’d prefer to have some dumb sci-fi flick on in the background, you know?
Tim: I know! Son of Svengoolie is having Son of Frankenstein tonight!

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Posted on January 7, 2008

By The Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater Affairs Desk

The Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team of Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to watch the Iowa Caucus returns come in. Has the media been voted out yet?
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Pre-Caucus E-Mail Exchange
Tim to Steve: We should make up our own pointless rules about caucusing as we go. “Little known fact: bald men get two votes.”
Appended:
After a Hillary Clinton appearance in Ames this week, for instance, one of her local precinct captains – whose job it is to corral and organize his or her candidate’s supporters on caucus night – said he frequently hears from Hillary backers who have, well, absolutely no clue what’s expected of them.
“They’re like, ‘Do I have to do something? Do I have to give a speech?'” he said. The next day, a local field organizer recounted the same experience, groaning: “These people don’t even know what a caucus is!” He wasn’t exaggerating: At one campaign’s focus group, the Iowans present asked whether the exercise they were engaged in was the actual caucus.
– “The Mechanics of Caucusing,” The New Republic

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Posted on January 4, 2008

The Republicans, Episode 7

Once again the Beachwood Mystery Debate Theater team of Andrew (Sleepy) Kingsford, Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes gathered at Beachwood HQ to monitor the movements of our presidential candidates. This time it was the Republican CNN/YouTube debate from St. Petersburg, Florida.
Andrew ate a cup of yogurt and took a nap on my couch until I called him on his cell phone and asked him if he was coming over for the debate. Tim tanked up on Red Bull and lines from A Few Good Men. Steve manned the laptop in disgust. Anderson Cooper moderated.
As always, this transcript has been edited for length and sanity.
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COOPER: There’s been some concern among the campaigns about what kind of questions are going to be asked tonight.
STEVE: Arrrrrrmy questions, sir.

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Posted on November 29, 2007