Another Beachwood Special Report
Way different than Bruce Rauner’s first 100 days.
* Fewer toilets per capita.
* Gold Coast finally represented in state government.
* Restored “g”s to all Illinois gerunds.
* Now they’re booing, not just saying “Bruuuuuuce!”
* State saving money on Hyatt discounts, though JB gets everyone’s points. His family didn’t become that rich by accident.
* Savings from selling state motorcycle fleet.
* Personally put up collateral to improve state’s bond rating.
* Wife is a real Democrat, not a fake one.
* State saves by using fewer magic beans to balance budget.
* Health outcomes improved by lowering everyone’s stress level.
* Bored Michael Madigan finally considering retirement.
* Republican Party finally understands what it feels like to be bought out.
* In order to keep more corporate profits in Illinois, moves to define state as “offshore.”
* State on the glidepath to more pot, more gambling, more fun, more degeneracy. New tourism slogan: Illinois? IlliYES!
* Fewer lies per capita.
* New governor, new mayor both from Chicago, putting an end to the Winnetka-Wilmette axis.
* Doesn’t need no stinkin’ right-to-work rules.
* Tort reform becomes torta reform.
* Workers’ comp back to shirkers’ comp.
* Private equity vulture no longer state animal.
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Comments welcome.
Posted on April 25, 2019