By The Beachwood Budget Bureau
We got nuts yesterday and went deep inside Gov. Pat Quinn’s budget proposal, from the fine print to the footnotes, and discovered a lot of cleverly hidden provisions that the media has yet to report on. So we will.
* All residents will be issued Super 8 VIP cards but some of them will be expired, subjecting motel guests to Quinn’s new Rewards Card Tax.
* In order to keep schools open, schoolchildren and their parents will be required to pay a Textbook Tax. Those using books that teach Creationism will pay double.
* Bill Brady will be placed in a new Political Opponents Bracket and taxed accordingly.
* Jason Plummer will be subject to the new Inexcusably On A Statewide Ballot Tax.
* All lies told by politicians will be taxed except those told by politicians in the executive branch.
* The legislative districts of Michael Madigan and John Cullerton will be eliminated to save money.
* Video poker will be expanded to classrooms to keep schools open.
* The entire state will become a new TIF district.
* The state will start collecting a naming rights fee from every business that uses the name of Abraham Lincoln or his likeness in any way.
* Pat Quinn will be allowed to just go into the state’s books and change the numbers until they add up the right way.
* Local TV news outlets will be forced to pay a Corrections Tax for every fact they get wrong during every broadcast; the windfall wipe out most of the state’s $13 billion deficit.
* The state will borrow up to $5 billion from the Outfit because its terms for repayment are a lot more reasonable than those offered by Bank of America. In return, the Outfit gets the contract to collect video poker revenue.
* If these measures fail, Illinois will declare bankruptcy in order to get time to reorganize itself. Illinois’s elected officials will receive bonuses to recognize their hard work and keep them incentivized to stay with the company.
* After the election Chicago’s billionaires will be called to a meeting with the state’s new video poker collection agency and politely asked to do what they know is right in their heart.
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Comments welcome.
Posted on March 12, 2010