By Drew Adamek
I’ve lived in Milwaukee twice in my life, first in the early ’90s and then in the late ’90s during community college. I have a special place in my heart for the town; it is a laid-back, hard-working, hard-partying town without any pretenses or hang-ups. The people are friendly, the town is accessible and the funky, beer fart stench smells like home.
Milwaukee knows what it is and likes it that way. It isn’t fancy, it isn’t redneck, it isn’t Chicago, and it isn’t Green Bay. It has a better airport than Chicago, you can get great food and beer, and it’s affordable. I miss living there, and would live there again in a heartbeat.
Milwaukee gets a bad rap.
Here, then, is my list of reasons why Milwaukee rules.
1. The Beer Fart.
The cultural significance of the beer fart in Milwaukee is not to be underestimated. There isn’t another city in America where people can tell the brand and vintage of beer you were drinking the night before by the flavor, aroma and “mouth feel” of your flatulence. As a corpulent and flatulent man, the cultural honor bestowed to the beer fart by Milwaukee warms my gassy heart.
2. Bowling Alley Bartenders.
The slim dating pickings I had in the ’90s would have been a lot worse had it not been for mildly to severely alcoholic bartenders. You can’t ask for more fun than a woman who knows how to keep bowling score, swears like an autoworker, drinks Jager bombs for breakfast and ain’t afraid of a dick joke or two.
3. East Side Cafes.
All the atmosphere and ambience that you would want in a coffee shop without any “artists” or “writers” fucking up the buzz. Just people drinking coffee.
4. Summerfest.
This is the festival I thought Taste of Chicago was when I was a kid: bands, drunks, sausages. Some of the best shows of my life have been at Summerfest: Metal Church, Arrested Development, Dylan and the Dead, Tom Petty. All for the price of parking in Chicago.
5. Cryptosporidiosis.
The entire town had the shits at exactly the same time. Think about that when you are complaining about the price of a Chicago city sticker.
6. Pat McCurdy.
Sure, this is a stereotypical answer, but show me another bar singer who everyone knows and whose songs everyone can sing along to. If I dated a girl for longer than a month while living in Milwaukee, you can bet that we saw Pat McCurdy together.
7. County Stadium Bleachers.
The Brewers sucked. I probably went to 50 Brewers games when I lived there, and I can’t name a single player from that era. But we could walk to the stadium, get a bleacher seat for $5, and hang out with people from the neighborhood. The old County Stadium was everything that Wrigley pretends to be.
8. The Cute Girl At Rochambo That I Never Got The Nerve To Talk To.
My wife is going to kill me for this one, but if that blonde girl still lives in Milwaukee, it’s worth living there on the off-chance that you might see her.
9. Cheese Farts.
The cultural significance of the cheese fart in Milwaukee is not to be underestimated. There isn’t another city in America where people can tell you the brand and vintage of cheese that you were eating the night before by the flavor, aroma and “mouth feel” of your flatulence. As a corpulent and flatulent man, the honor bestowed to the cheese fart warms my heart.
10. Jeffrey Dahmer’s House.
It isn’t there anymore, but it’s still kind of cool to tell people that you lived a couple of blocks from him, and drove past the place once a day, while he still lived there.
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Other Lists By Drew Adamek:
* Today’s Syllabus
* Shit My Dad Says
* Work Weirdos
* Things I Miss About Chicago
* 20 Albums I Wish I Had Never Bought
* Their Chicago
* Cities I’ve Slept In
* My Favorite 1980s Chicago Radio Memories
Plus:
* Fan Note: Me & Metallica
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Comments welcome.
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1. From Lisa Frey:
No mention or Real Chili? . . . chili farts. What kind of Marquette grad are you?
RESPONSE:
Ha, that’s really funny. I simply forgot about Real Chili. I have another half-dozen items for another list so stay tuned for Part 2. Oh, and I never attended Marquette. I lived with my cousin Slim, who was in MU Law School.
Posted on March 4, 2010