By The Beachwood Loves To Fly And It Shows Affairs Desk
United Airlines recently failed in its third merger attempt this year. Our consultants at Beachwood Labs have determined that the airlines business is so screwed-up that the last thing any airline should do is double-down on a losing hand. Instead, United should think more creatively. Our computers spit out the following merger partners the airline should explore.
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ESPN: Pilots shout “boo-yeah!” after sticking landings; witty banter includes gems like “Call 911! Our left engine is el fuego!”
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Wal-Mart: Part-time greeters without health insurance replace flight attendants.
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The Obama campaign: I mean, duh.
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Oprah: Wider seats, better food, departing gifts.
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The Cook County Democratic Party: Planes would never leave the gate but the payroll would grow exponentially. And the new jobs would be really easy; you wouldn’t even have to show up.
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The CTA: The jokes write themselves.
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McDonald’s: The extra value meals will come with frequent flyer miles; wilting salads come alive at 35,000 miles.
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City Hall: Mayor Daley will “privatize” O’Hare and Midway by contracting to let United manage them; American will be expelled from both by inspectors who suddenly do their job. In a three-way deal, McDonald’s will maintain the concession contracts. The mayor’s brothers will handle the legal work, bonding and insurance, and the mayor will insist he knew nothing about it.
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Motorola: New navigation technology will get airplanes to their gates 1.5 seconds sooner, dramatically improving on-time performance.
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Tribune Company: This is your captain, Sam Zell, speaking. I might fly this thing into the ditch, but at least you’ll enjoy the ride! Now ease on back, our feature film this evening is XXX-Men.
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Manchester United: Wouldn’t have to totally repaint the planes.
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Aon: The business model would shift to reviving the flight insurance market.
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Apple: New iPlanes would look supercool, even if they ran a little hot.
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Yahoo: They need a merger partner too, and Yahoo United has a certain ring to it.
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Fox News: Fox News United also has a certain ring to it. Save money the UPS way by prohibiting left turns.
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FedEx: Somehow their planes are profitable and get there on time. Get access to the secret recipe.
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Dunkin’ Donuts: Eliminating Middle East routes plus any destinations that sound vaguely Arabic will save money, attract the Fox News demo.
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Chicago Cubs: Learn how to capitalize on a losing brand.
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Al Gore: Solar-powered planes save money on fuel and by not flying when it’s cloudy. PowerPoint presentations replace in-flight movies.
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GEICO: Caveman Air!
Posted on June 11, 2008