By The Beachwood Bureau of Comedy Assessment
This is no joke, folks. On a couple levels. The Tribune Company actually, truly, really issued this press release on Wednesday as an April Fool’s Day prank. We ask you: Is Sam Zell’s Tribune the least funny company in the history of America?
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Tribune to Unveil Revolutionary Communications Tool
Alternative Info Super-Highway Created, May Render Internet Obsolete By 2010
Content Delivered to the End-User More Directly Than Ever Before
CHICAGO, April 1 – Tribune Company today announced detailed plans to introduce a high-power, low-cost communications device designed to make all media, including the Internet, obsolete by next year. The device, tentatively being marketed as “The Accelerator(TM),” uses patent-pending nano-technology to aggregate the sum of all human knowledge – everything from where you put your keys last night to the genetic sequence of field mice DNA – and deliver what you want, when you want, directly into your brain. A prototype of the device and a description of its features can be found on the company website at www.tribune.com.
“Forget cloud computing, this is vapor computing,” said Randy Michaels, Tribune’s chief operating officer. “Traditional media companies have been working for years to harness the so-called power of the Internet – we decided that rather than compete, we’d just make it obsolete.”
The company estimates the Quantum based computing power of the device to be roughly 3.9 million times greater than a common PC, delivering information to consumers at roughly 12 times the speed of a traditional broadband connection to the Internet.
The Accelerator(TM) is backward compatible to traditional–some might say “outdated” – media such as email, streaming media, mp3 and mp4 playback and newsfeeds, as well as online gaming. The device is also equipped with such innovations as:
* 3D holographic displays, allowing projection from 3 inches to 172 feet on ANY surface, with resolution far beyond that of even high-definition television.
* Voice recognition accepting 373 languages and dialects, facilitating the elimination of the standard keyboard.
* Environmental re-creation programs able to re-generate the real-time visual and audible stimulus occurring on any date in history.
* On demand recall of literally every television program and film from an archival database numbering over 11.8 million titles.
* Personalized microscopic transmission powered by nano-technology, allowing users to access communication features of the device from distances up to 75 miles.
* Fool-proof security utilizing individual brain-scan patterning identification technology.
* “Cold Light” technology, powered by a 30-year plutonium battery.
Tribune also announced an exclusive arrangement with The Library of Congress to digitize every book in its collection by March 2010, and a plan to make an audio library of 23.4 million titles available to owners of The Accelerator(TM).
“I congratulate the development teams at Tribune Interactive,” said Michaels. “They have put in long hours, many of them sober. And this marvelous device is the result – The Accelerator(TM) will mean billions in revenue, and the end of the extremely competitive advertising environment in which we’ve been operating. The game is over – we win.”
Technologists at the company are still refining the final product, expected to be available for retail purchase in May for $28,500. A slightly more expensive hand-held version of will be available in late-2010.
“There are still a few bugs to be worked out,” said Marc Chase, president of Tribune Interactive. “For example, in its current incarnation, The Accelerator(TM) weighs 425 pounds, which is a little more than we’d like, and the remote control feature still has some kinks in it. But, we’re confident that we’re in the end-stage development phase.”
TRIBUNE is America’s largest employee-owned media company, operating businesses in publishing, interactive and broadcasting. In publishing, Tribune’s leading daily newspapers include the Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, The Baltimore Sun, Sun Sentinel (South Florida), Orlando Sentinel, Hartford Courant, Morning Call and Daily Press. The company’s broadcasting group operates 23 television stations, WGN America on national cable, Chicago’s WGN-AM and the Chicago Cubs baseball team. Popular news and information websites complement Tribune’s print and broadcast properties and extend the company’s nationwide audience. At Tribune we take what we do seriously and with a great deal of pride. We also value the creative spirit and nurture a corporate culture that doesn’t take itself too seriously . . . especially on April 1.
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Please feel free to comment on what a bunch of idiots these guys are.
Posted on April 2, 2009