By David Rutter
1. Blago’s temptation, WTF?
From: The Law Firm of Michael, Gabriel, Raphael and Beelzebub, LLC
To: Legal Representatives of Rod Blagojevich
Re: Inappropriate reference to CEO
Dear Sirs:
We note with alarm and dismay that your client has invoked the name of our client, God (a legally incorporated trademark), without permission and implied our client has involvement and/or interest in the outcome of your client’s recent legal difficulties. Our client has expressed that, WTF, why is He being dragged into this mess?
Be advised that our client has instructed us in the strongest terms that Mr. Blagojevich is advised to cease and desist such proclamations, invocations and blasphemies because, and we hesitate to suggest such a thing, federal prison is not the worst thing that can happen to him.
Yours respectfully,
Michael, Gabriel, Raphael and Beelzebub. LLC
P.S – WTF
2. Biancalanas of Barrington, WTF?
Grandma dies. Grandma’s ashes are shipped from Arizona to Chicago in a nice box. Postal Service loses ashes. It’s a tragedy. The people who shipped the ashes are outraged at the Postal Service. Lawyers are lining up as we speak. This family apparently doesn’t have a mirror so they can see themselves in it. Shipping grandma? WTF. What postal rate is that?
3. Tribune Company, WTF?
If you are inclined, read the Tribune’s story about its own role in how the sale to Sam Zell took place and who was yanking who. Here’s what WTF sees. You won’t learn much from it. You weren’t supposed to learn much. This story, meant to synopsize a 700-page document by the bankruptcy examiner, is a turgid pile of impenetrable, gobbledygook designed to be as incomprehensible as it seems. Clarity for the masses might reveal a deliberate tendency to financial skankiness at the Trib. Otherwise it would become necessary for Tribune reporters to identify who, and we mean the precise people, are the presumptive crooks and perhaps ask them why they are crooks.
The Sun-Times was more forthright in naming miscreants.
In this new and improved era, managers of the “new” Tribune get bonuses approved by the bankruptcy court based on improved corporate cash flow. They get better cash flow by dumping experienced workers and hiring children right out of college. In other environments, this would be called blood money. In Tribune stories, the never-ending proposed bonuses for managers are always expressed in total numbers rather than averages. Thus a plan to give 35 managers a total of $14.9 million for good performance is a less offensive and more amorphous description than cutting each of them a check for $423,000. The first is a Twilight Zone number. The second is a real number that real people might understand.
4. Carlos Zambrano, WTF?
Big Z’s anger management diary:
7 a.m. – Could not sleep all night. At dawn. tore my mo-effing pillow to shreds with a meat cleaver. I keep it in the drawer near my bed just in case. Felt sorry afterward. I loved that mo-effing pillow.
7:15 a.m. – Threw bowl of corn flakes against kitchen wall. It was a slider. They were soggy. I don’t eat mo-effing soggy corn flakes. Felt ashamed later. Also corn flakes are stuck to the wall, and I can’t get the mo-effers off.
7:25 a.m. – Getting really pissed about having to do this mo-effing diary and also having to write mo-effing instead of the real words.
7:45 a.m. to 10 p.m. – Yada, yada, yada . . . Pretty much more of the same. Feel much better. Have apologized 32 times today.
10:30 p.m. – In middle of anger management session, felt compelled to slice the counselor’s ear off with a switchblade. I was trying to inspire mo-effer to be a better counselor. He’s recovering. The mo-effing ear didn’t make it. Felt bad about it later. Apologized to him on ESPN.
11 p.m. – Time for bed. Where’s mo-effing pillow? What mo-effer took my mo-effing PILLOW!?
5. New Hampshire, WTF?
Statistically speaking, kids in New Hampshire are healthier and happier than anywhere else. Don’t be surprised.
The there are only 47 people in New Hampshire and 32 of them are maple syrup collectors.
But enough frivolity, WTF partygoers; let’s see what the stats reveal.
A) Most of the states most pissed off about abortion are also the ones who let their kids die earliest, poorest and least educated. Irony Alert! The next time a governor from Mississippi or Louisiana lectures about good government, keep that in mind.
B) Illinois is in the middle of the grid. It could be better (don’t you wish we could be No. 1 in something good?) because we spend all our money for government employee pensions, not for kids.
C) Never pay attention to how good life is in North Dakota or Utah. In order to qualify for that good life, you have to actually live in North Dakota or Utah and, WTF, what sane person would want to do that?
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David Rutter is the former publisher/editor of the Lake County News-Sun, a Sun-Times Media property.
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Comments welcome.
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Previously in The Week in WTF:
* TWIWTF: Walter Jacobson, Mark Kirk, the Sun-Times
* TWIWTF: Conrad Murray, Jim Laski, Notre Dame Nation
* TWIWTF: Chris Zorich, Eddie and Jobo, Blago.
* TWIWTF: Burge, Zambrano, Tyree
* TWIWTF: Pundits, LeBron James, Lake County
* TWIWTF: Stroger, Transformers, Six Flags
* TWIWTF: Blago, Channel 2, Cubs
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Also by David Rutter:
* The Lords of Ireland.
* Speaking of Notre Dame . . .
* Scheduling Notre Dame.
* Spade Robs Farley’s Grave.
* Gov. Fester.
* Black Talks, Zell Walks.
* Roeper’s Games.
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Plus:
* An excerpt from Rutter’s Olga’s War
Posted on July 30, 2010