By David Rutter
1. Walter Payton, WTF?
Thus even our designated gods have ugly warts, which no one much discusses when they are alive because that gets in the way of fawning adulation.
He was a great football player. But we could not allow that to be enough. We must also make him spiritual and noble on the theory that being athletically gifted also confers superior humanness. Fool’s gold. He was not more flawed than many are, but we – and he – could not accept a truth that interrupted the profitable and comfortable illusion. Sports demands a spirit-bending cynicism.
“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves, that we are underlings.”
2. Suzi Schmidt, WTF?
Because WTF has a big loud mouth and the will to use it often, we sympathize with state Sen. Suzi Schmidt’s world-class big mouth, which she on occasion uses to talk forcefully and other occasions uses to bite her husband of 31 years like he’s an ear of sweet corn.
But consider this. As the acknowledged most powerful – or at least most well-connected – female local politician in Lake County, she could well have told deputies to skip the event and pretend it didn’t happen. Except for acknowledging the event because it was all over police radio, deputies did nothing and neither did prosecutors. Both the sheriff’s department and state’s attorneys office are led by Republicans, which we are sure is a coincidence.
The last event was the third at the Schmidt home, some of it involving spilled blood.
She has embarrassed the state Republican party, and that might be the error that does her real damage.
3. Bank of America, WTF?
BoA customers can wring their 40 million hands in worry and gripe about the new debit card fee, but why not just dump your account there and go elsewhere? Power to the People! You could break the Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire Savings and Loan tomorrow if you wanted. In case you forget, BoA’s $197 billion in assets are mostly yours.
BOA’s answer for all of this is to blame that terribly oppressive bank regulation bill and higher costs for capital, both of which they caused.
Or, and we’re really proud of this idea, let’s all go back to using fat wads of real cash and hide it in our mattresses?
WTF is so old he remembers banks selling the benefit of automatic teller technology as way to save consumer money on bank tellers. It’s so cheap it’s almost free, they said.
4. The Rev. Phillip Livingston, WTF?
If WTF is ever tempted to a slightly non-traditional religious experience, we’re not sure a bankrupt concrete contractor would be our first choice for guru.
This Wauconda rev’s devotees insist he talks directly to God, which shows that God has a lot of time on his hands. Funny how God so often suggests his ministers diddle the congregants.
Perhaps we should start our own church – the Holy Cow WTF Hands-On Outreach Ministry. We have job openings. They’re all missionary positions.
5. Dennis Spearing WTF?
Mr. Spearing was not found guilty of bad taste but only because there seems to be no such law. He was also not found guilty of being a schmuck from Canada. If it existed, that should be a fourth-degree misdemeanor.
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Comments welcome.
Posted on September 30, 2011