By David Rutter
1. Garry McCarthy, WTF?
Based on the federal probe of his Newark police department, he seems like a perfect fit for Chicago.
Mistreatment of detainees in holding cells? Shield-protected retaliation? Excessive force? Jon Burge probably feels he retired too soon.
But don’t worry. The new mayor says McCarthy was totally vetted by the Chicago Police Board. WTF is feeling better already.
2. Christian Choate, WTF?
There are legal definitions why states are permitted to execute heinous killers. There are moral reasons, too. And then there is this case, which seems to be beyond human comprehension.
There is no luck left for little Christian. The world took it all away and left him broken and dead.
No one came to help. Not the state. Not family. Not strangers.
Our only consolation as citizens – and a minor one at that – is that it occurred in Indiana and not Illinois.
Indiana still executes people like dad Riley Lowell Choate and stepmom Kimberly Leona Kubina.
Good.
3. Blagojevich, WTF?
If you are not yet tired – indeed, sick to DEATH – of new legal circumlocutions to explain why the former Guv is not scum, try this one for size.
Nobody told him it was illegal. If they had just TOLD him.
It was his staff’s fault.
If they had just told him it was improper to trade the Senate seat under his purview for a better deal for himself than that crappy governorship of a crappy state he had somehow been forced to accept, then none of this would have happened.
The judge in what seems like his 75th retrial for corruption would not even allow the questions, and on cue, Mrs. Blago did her Scarlett O’Hara swoon on the courthouse steps.
And further, if you are not sick to death of historical references about Blago, consider whom we should blame for his interminable appearance among us.
First, of course, there’s father-in-law Dick Mell, who not only sired Scarlett O’Blago, but also hubby’s career. Hizzoner Richard Daley deserves a special parting gift, too. He gave Blago a job in the state’s attorney’s office, just another political favor to benefit a person devoid of aptitude, talent or moral fiber to have deserved the favor. Blago admits he was a lousy student and majored mostly in bikinis at Pepperdine University’s law school. “I barely knew where that law library was,” he once admitted.
Maybe Blago does have a legal argument. In a life devoid of honesty, perhaps a person lusting for power is incapable of integrity unless an adviser tells him how to recognize it.
4. Pat Fitzgerald, WTF?
There is a pleasing verisimilitude to Pat Fitzgerald’s deal to coach Northwestern football for the next 10 years, or forever, or until the world blows up in 2012. His lineage is perfect. The Wildcats are entertaining. Hey, it’s Evanston, so who’s complaining?
Until this year, Fitzgerald was the second lowest-paid football coach in the Big 10 ($750,000 per) and one of two who made less than a million in base salary. Bet he has a nice we’re-glad-you’re-here salary nudge.
However (you just knew there was a however, didn’t you?) Fitz has plenty of time to remake Northwestern history in his image. But it is not quite true that he has taken the Wildcats “to a whole new level,” as is commonly trumpeted in local media.
He has a winning record but just marginally (34-29) in a program that has lost 56 percent of its games since 1882. The Wildcats have lost eight straight bowl games, including the last three under Fitz.
The Wildcats haven’t had many winning coaches. Their first was 8-6-1 over five years, which is a better percentage than Fitzgerald has. Those first Wildcats were coached then by “no coach” As in, there was no coach. The players took care of themselves. And they didn’t get $750,000 a year, either.
5. Sears, WTF?
Curt Flood brought free agency to baseball. Now Caterpillar and Sears have brought free agency to corporate extortion.
Makes you wonder if CEOs just want to make the governor look dopey and impotent, and lord knows he doesn’t need this much help.
If this was just about tax breaks, isn’t that a discussion to have somewhere else than local TV?
6-ish. A special series of WTF updates, WTF
A) Matthew Perry is still drunk.
B) Possible the only currently working actor more irritating than Charlie Sheen. How much better luck does he need? He gets to sleep with Demi Moore and Hugh Grant said no to $600,000 per episode.
C) Okay, so he’s more irritating than Charlie Sheen, too more irritating than Charlie Sheen, too.
D) Couldn’t you have bet this was not going to have an Ozzie and Harriet climax?
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Comments welcome.
Posted on May 13, 2011