By David Rutter
1. Blizzard Whiners, WTF?
Now that the village mobs with torches are out stalking the countryside in search of those guilty of not stopping the blizzard, we are reminded of the time the late, great Sam Kinison offered his insight into how to solve the perpetual problem of world hunger.
In other words, if you don’t like blizzards that trap you on Lake Shore Drive, MOVE! GO LIVE IN BOCA!
Then there’s the cliched Chicago reaction about “the politics of snow” and the inevitable recriminations and retributions, complete with fall guys and smoke signals.
Every time it snows hard here, the political oldheads feel compelled to resurrect Michael Bilandic’s political legacy as if the city is incapable of a different reaction to familiar stimuli, even though 80 percent of what is now Chicago’s population was either not alive in 1979 or lived somewhere else. Or was 10 years old. And when you’re 10, blizzards are great.
If we didn’t have local columnists to remind us how 2011 is just like 1979, how could the city even function?
Eventually we’ll have to just blame God for screwing up Lake Shore Drive. Or maybe Exxon and OPEC. Or maybe the real culprits: all of us.
2. Donald Rumsfeld, WTF?
We claim Rummy as one of our own because he’s a Winnetkan and an inaugural member of the New Trier High School Hall of Fame. And because us war criminals need to stick together. His new autobio Known and Unknown is out and, surprise of surprises, he’s not sorry about the Iraq War.
Even without WMDs, he says, he would have favored spilling American blood and treasure by invading another country that posed no threat. Did he lie? No, because apparently when Rummy utters a statement it is by definition true. He has no time to dabble in self-reflection. He is no Robert McNamara.
As an NFL football coach once famously screeched about the Bears, the same can be said for the Bushite war mind: They are who we thought they were.
3. Mark Kirk, WTF?
Of course, others change their stories for reasons nearly as obtuse as Rumsfeld sticks to his. Like this story, which goes almost without any need for explanation. So we will simply quote what Sen. Mark Kirk (R-Goobercity) told the New York Times about why he once voted in favor of climate change legislation as a “moderate congressman” but now will vote against it as a senator: “The consensus behind the climate change bill collapsed and then further deteriorated with the personal and political collapse of Vice President [Al] Gore.”
Thus the most pressing strategic issue facing the human race hinges on whether Al Gore copped a feel of a masseuse. Allegedly. Can the pulpit get a WTF! Hal-le-looo-yeh!
4. David Haugh, WTF?
Some ideas are bad. Some good ideas are just ill-timed. And then there’s David Haugh’s Tribune column this week making the pitch that Chicago ought to be considered as a future Super Bowl site, which was a little of both.
First, the obvious. Put off the blizz of ’11 by four days and you’d have the first Super Bowl postponed by frostbite.
Second, it would take several sainthood miracles to expand Soldier Field by another 10,000 seats required by the league to host the Big Game.
And yet, Haugh insists: “I understand all the reasons a Super Bowl can’t come to Chicago. But I dare somebody in The City That Works to find a way it can.”
Yeah! Right after The City That Works gets its side streets plowed.
5. Michael Scott, WTF?
Don’t worry, Elsie. It’s just The Chicago Way.
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Comments welcome.
Posted on February 4, 2011