By David Rutter
One in an occasional series arising from the late, great The Week in WTF.
WTF wants to take a 30-second timeout to clear the launching pad of detritus, effluvium and raw sewage.
Let’s ring in the New Year with New Sewage while we calculate how many Chicago cops it takes to break into the wrong naked woman’s apartment.
The video-verified answer is 12: The Dirty and Very Dense Dozen.
SPEAKING OF RAW SEWAGE: Is it not heartening that the most despised mayor in the recent annals of Chicago can’t get a job in the Biden Administration? Our Man Rahm probably will luck out with an ambassadorship to a country we don’t mind insulting. Mongolia would be nice. But this provides some evidence that being a manipulative dick eventually hurts your political career. Even in America.
SPEAKING OF RICH: David Rutter, an industrialist in a business I don’t understand, paid $7 million in cash for a Manhattan condo this fall. That David Rutter is not me, but maybe we’re related. The day he bought the condo with cash, I found $2 in change in my sofa so I could acquire a Double Whopper With Cheese – with cash!
I’ll check if that billionaire David Rutter and I are related, or if he would pay me NOT to be related. In the meantime, can anyone really comprehend someone having $7 million in cash?
As for his business, it’s “blockchain,” which is essentially a digital ledger technology that keeps bitcoin currency fans from stealing each other’s real money.
RICH RACIST: WTFers with long memories can remember how it was essentially the Reagan Admin that popularized the “There’s not a racist bone in my body” defense for their cleverly cloaked racist bones. As best I can recall, EVERYBODY in the Reagan Administration was racist. It was a rule.
The Washington Post looked up all this.
Now Sen. Kelly Loeffler (R-Ga.), has employed the same rhetoric in advance of her runoff election. It’s like Heinrich Himmler’s famous “I like Jews” defense.
Maybe Georgia finally is spiritually equipped to electorally reject a racist. We’ll see on Jan. 5.
(By the way, you can’t Electoral College without saying “oral.”)
So let’s agree that Loeffler has no racist bones. But what about her racist cartilage, bigoted fat and neo-Nazi innards? Lots of real ugly racist corpuscles around those really white bones.
THE OLD DAYS: We miss the Republican Party. Wait. That’s not really true. We miss anything that isn’t the Trump World.
We also miss the old days when lying was a bad thing.
This transformation is creepy. We remember 12 years ago when Sen. Mitt Romney seemed an oddly non-human android, like people from Utah tend to seem. In 2012 he said this: “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.”
Now he’s the official voice of Republican Rationality. John McCain used to say odd, unpleasant things, too, and now he is beatified.
It’s the assimilation of false positive memories that occurs when you erroneously remember your first spouse as a nice person.
There wasn’t a nice bone in her body, but she had OK cartilage.
MELDING: Saturn and Jupiter came close enough Monday night that they seemed like one star. We are told that, but the skies were overcast, so who knows for sure.
But what about Uranus? Could you look up and see Uranus?
The solar system never wants to be close to Uranus. Pity Uranus.
That’s as many Uranus jokes as my current court order allows. I already exceeded my limits on Rep. Anthony Weiner jokes.
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David Rutter is the former publisher/editor of the Lake County News-Sun, and more importantly, the former author of the Beachwood’s late, great “The Week In WTF” column. His most recent piece for us was No Fitzmas For Bears, Please. You can also check him out at his Theeditor50’s blog. He welcomes your comments.
Posted on December 21, 2020