Date: December 31, 2008
From: Lakeview
To: Roscoe Village
The Cab: In the waning hours of 2008, we are afforded a ride in the Cab of the Future. In addition to the standard digital fare meter, the dashboard also boasts a small LCD screen with live-action satellite navigation display. The radio seems less technologically advanced as we begin the ride with direct exposure to dangerous levels of broadcast-censored Guns ‘N’ Roses. A quick trip up the terrestrial dial sees us end the ride with direct exposure to dangerous levels of Rihanna. Is it too much to ask TCOTF for a little virtual jukebox action?

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Posted on January 6, 2009

Date: December 31, 2008
From: Roscoe Village
To: Lakeview
The Cab: Clean, uncluttered, ample legroom. Your standard well-maintained ride. Seatbelts were not easy to locate, which was probably due to the multiple layers of bulky winter clothing encasing the three back-seat occupants.

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Posted on January 5, 2009

Date Taken: 10/15/08
From: Downtown
To: Wicker Park
The Cab: A van cab. It was first in line at the Hilton Suites Hotel so I got it all to myself. But I never feel right as a sole rider in a van cab. This one was weird though – not a bench seat but two individual seats behind the driver. Also, an odd odor. Not quite a dead person, but somewhat Seinfeld-ish. I wonder if I’ll be able to get it out of my hair. And while the van is clean, it is also vaguely dispiriting in its appearance; there is an odd deathly hue inside the cab. I’m getting faint. I suddenly feel as if I might just die. There isn’t even a bench seat to lie down on.

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Posted on October 20, 2008

Date Taken: 7/11/08
From: Wicker Park
To: Roscoe Village
The Cab: 100% cell phone- and burglar shield-free. Seating is upholstered in plush as opposed to the usual faux-vinyl. Rear-view mirror is adorned with a small stuffed tiger, adding a somewhat quizzical sense of whimsy to an otherwise straightforward conveyance. Radio seems to be locked in retro mode, with such slightly-mildewed hits such as Madonna’s “Like a Prayer (extended dance remix),” Eddy Grant’s “Electric Avenue” and Ace of Base’s “All That She Wants” on offer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s all fun and games until one of those fuckers gets wedged in your head.

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Posted on July 14, 2008

Date Taken: 3/21/08
From: Roscoe Village
To: Wicker Park
The Cab: Clean, uncluttered, refreshingly un-air-freshened. Windows were open despite the dodgy weather, but wouldn’t you know it? The brisk breeze actually proved rather invigorating.

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Posted on March 22, 2008

Date Taken: 1/04/08
From: The Loop
To: Albany Park
The Cab: I’d been standing in the cold trying to get a cab for ten minutes. When a cab finally pulled up I was too relieved to notice which cab company it belonged to. It was a white car with a large red circle painted on the side. The Hinomaru taxi service? Whatever. Arigatou, pal.
The Reason: I couldn’t carry a laptop and the two magnums of Champagne that arrived from California that morning. And let me offer you some advice: if you’re single, don’t take the Napa Valley wine tour by yourself. You’re going to be the only unattached person in a tour bus full of newlyweds pinching each other and giggling. No one is going to talk to you and they’ll make you sit in the “single” seat by the door. And when that door opens – a total of nine times during the tour – it’s going to hit you in the knee. At the end of the day, at the sixth and final vineyard, you and your bruised knee will sit on the patio at the Chandon winery. And as the artificial mist settles over your sun-warmed skin every four and a half minutes and the breeze blows through the withered Pinot Meunier leaves you’re going to get very depressed. You’re going to wonder what you’ve done with your life. And a nice looking man in a tuxedo is going to keep filling your Champagne glass. After several glasses he’s going to ask you to join a Champagne club – the Sparkling Circle – where you will receive shipments of fine Chandon champagne every few months which will allow you to drink yourself into a dream world where you’ve made far better life choices. And you’re going to do it. Yes you are.

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Posted on January 7, 2008

Date Taken: 12/05/07
From: Wicker Park
To: Irving Park
The Cab: A Blue Diamond! It’s aesthetically pleasing on the outside with that Blue Diamond logo. Unfortunately, this will be the last good thing about a cab ride gone bad.
First, riding in this cab was like riding in the back seat of a friend’s car – in a bad way. There was no divider between driver and passenger. In some way I would think I would like this egalitarian structure, yet instead it creeped me out. He was right there! I could touch him between the bucket seats! Was this even a real cab? Or did he just stick a placard on the side of the car in order to lure victims whom he would take to his underground torture chamber?
Because that was the vibe I had.

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Posted on December 6, 2007

Date Taken: 10/28/07
From: O’Hare
To: Rosemont
The Cab: Your basic, somewhat overworn Dodge Minivan. No visible mechanical defects. After finding out the route, driver tested back hatch, tires and suspension.
The Driver: A surly prick even before he found out he rushed into the teeth of O’Hare traffic for a paltry $10 fare. When told of the destination, he tersely reponded “Why Rosemont”? At this point, I figured “Because I fucking said so” wouldn’t help matters.

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Posted on October 30, 2007

Date Taken: 08/10/07
From: Wicker Park
To: Greektown
The Cab:
Cab #21 apparently dates back to the days before their were dividers between passenger and driver. Ah, those good old days of innocence, when passengers could be counted on to not stick a shiv in a cabbie’s ribs or throw up on his iPod.
But could this really be Cab #21? The 21st cab license handed out by the city? I mean, that’d be really cool, but is there a missing number or two? Maybe this is Cab #2112. How cool would that be? The Rush cab.

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Posted on August 13, 2007

Date Taken: 07/06/07
From: River North
To: Wicker Park
The Cab: Spotless except for the partially unpeeled Tweety Bird sticker on the rear view mirror. I’m thinking there’s a story there. Plus, I had the nagging feeling that the interior had the slight aura of a metallic UFO glow. Maybe that’s why we later seemed to be riding on air.
The Driver: This is the guy Sade was thinking about when she wrote “Smooth Operator.”

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Posted on July 16, 2007