By The Beachwood Tabloid Affairs Desk
The Beachwood Tabloid Affairs Desk has learned that the Sun-Times is considering the following competitive responses to the Tribune’s new tabloid edition.
* Eliminate paper and just sell Obama merchandise.
* Make S-T “to-goier.”
* Replace paper with the Chicago Sun-Twitter.
* Trade Rich Roeper to the Tribune for the installation disk for Mac 10.5.
* New “Sun-Times At Night” edition for adults only.
* Toy surprise inside!
* Will literally sell papers for food.
* New value deal will include fries and a Coke with each purchase.
* Will begin printing daily transcripts of that day’s Oprah.
* New 365-part front-page series on what makes Obama so great.
* Every paper tied up in a Lewis Lazare bow-tie.
* Sports Sudoku!
* Make Neil Steinberg write his columns in Esperanto “because it just makes sense.”
* Announce “Draw A Funny Face On Sneed” contest. Cash, subscriptions, and T-shirts for best use of mustache and devil horns.
* Poach “Batboy” stories from Weekly World News.
* “Bob Greene! He’s tan, rested and ready – and we’ve got him!”
* Greene and Steinberg At The Movies.
* Obama’s dog blog.
* Page Six, Nine and Twelve Girls!
* New contest: First one to find Jay Mariotti and kick him in the shins wins lifetime subscription.
* Finally accept that investment offer from the Mob; new niche products to include Today in Racketeering and How To Get The Most Out Of Your Union.
* Tell Hell’s Angels that Sam Zell was the one who knocked over their Harleys the other day.
– Rick Kaempfer, Scott Buckner, Steve Rhodes
New Additions!
* Will make website smaller.
* Will shrink egos of Steinberg and Roeper to more manageable sizes.
* Will fire staff to save costs and steal content from Huffington Post instead.
Send in your ideas!
A Beachwood reader suggests . . .
* Collectible Medallions of convicted public officials – a new one each day!
Posted on January 22, 2009