By Zay N. Smith
A Taliban leader in Afghanistan explaining what is important in society:
“Firefighters and police officers are vital to society. Teachers are not.”
About what you’d expect from–
No. Wait.
Those are the words of a Tea Party leader in California.
Sorry.
News Headline: “Obama dares Congress to fight over Susan Rice, then drops it.”
Or as Admiral David Farragut ordered at the Battle of Mobile Bay:
Damn! Torpedoes! Full speed aback!
Or something like that.
A Republic, If You Can Keep It:
A third of Americans have no idea who Susan Rice is.
News Headline: “Thieves step up activities for Christmas season.”
News Headline: “Cops send card to criminals with gun-toting police chief in Santa costume.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!
News Item (December 10): Astronomers discover Asteroid 2012 XE54.
Which passed between Earth and the moon two days later.
News Item (December 13): Astronomers discover Asteroid 2012 XB112.
Which is passing between Earth and the moon as you read this.
Ho, Ho, Ho!
News Headline: “Swaziland to raise witch-doctor tax in financial crisis.”
No. Won’t work here. The witch-doctor lobby is too strong.
Habemus Tweet.
Pope Benedict XVI finally tweeted on Wednesday, nine days after he started his Twitter account.
Something about faith.
He tweeted six more times the rest of the day.
He abruptly ceased tweeting on Thursday.
Further reports, as developments warrant.
News Headline: “Police thwart plot to kill Justin Bieber.”
Don’t the police have better things to do?
News Headline: “Kate Hudson planning top-secret wedding.”
News Headline: “Air Force launches top-secret shuttle.”
So we seem to have established that the U.S. Air Force and Kate Hudson are equally adept at maintaining secrecy.
Dave Carr, an Owen Sound, Ontario, reader, regarding an agreement between QT and its readers to let go of a growing list of variations on the movie title Snakes on a Plane, in other words, to put the remakes on the wane, writes:
“I am seeing an increase in ads on TV for electronic cigarettes. Does that mean we can smoke fakes on a plane?”
QT thought we had an agreement.
And it now must view these takes with disdain.
QT Early Warning System:
Pepsi-Chicken Flavor Lay’s Potato Chips.
News Headline: “Study suggests refreezing the Arctic to stop warming.”
What could possibly go wrong?
J.K., a Sydney, Australia, reader, regarding reports that scientists have been able to create brain cells from urine, writes:
“Does this mean beer can provide us with a valuable raw resource?”
And any true patriot of his nation knows what to do.
From the QT Archive of Knowledge:
+ The candy cane was invented in India.
+ Nostradamus collected jelly recipes.
QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
S.J., a Chicago reader, writes:
“I keep hearing people say ‘quote unquote’ when quoting. Shouldn’t it be ‘quote’ and ‘end quote’?”
“Unquote” is a corruption of “end quote.”
But a number of usage experts seem to accept it as a “convention” of the language, which is what usage experts say when they can’t think of anything else to say.
Only the lackadaisical spell “lackadaisical” as “laxadaisical,” by the way.
Write to QT at qt@beachwoodreporter.com
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QT appears Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
Posted on December 14, 2012