By Zay N. Smith
News Headline: “Walmart kicking off Christmas shopping earlier than ever.”
News Headline: “Target is the latest retailer planning to open Thanksgiving.”
News Headline: “Nordstrom not decorating for Christmas until after Thanksgiving.”
Is it possible to have a department store chain as a hero?
Yes. It is.
News Headline: “NY district attorney admits he acted in 1970s porn films.”
And then he fell in with a bad crowd and went into politics.
News Headline: “Oliver Stone: America is an ‘outlaw nation.'”
Next: We attempt to find a nation anywhere in the world that isn’t or hasn’t ever been.
News Item: DJT Restaurant in the Las Vegas Trump International Hotel is closed temporarily when inspectors find month-old caviar, duck dating back to June, undercooked halibut, improperly thawed tuna and expired yogurt, veal stock, tomato sauce, peanut-butter sauce and chili.
But take Donald Trump’s word for it.
The bacteria were HUGE.
They were HUGE.
QT Trickle-On Economics Update:
Hostess tripled its CEO’s pay and increased the pay of its other executives up to 80 percent before announcing it could no longer afford to meet the wages and benefits of its workers.
News Headline: “Turkey knocks out power in Sheboygan.”
The resistance strikes where it can, in the dark of night. . . .
News Headline: “Jay Cutler’s concussion past compounds newest injury.”
LXXVI Days Until Super Bowl XLVII Concussion Count UpdVIII:
NFL player concussions at the halfway point of the season: XCII.
The count including the pre-season: CXL.
As football increasingly becomes the spectator sport where we look the other way.
News Headline: Centers for Disease Control rules that any woman who has more than one drink a day is a “heavy drinker.”
Note to any women who might like a glass or two of wine with dinner:
We’re on to you now.
News Item: “. . . the farthest galaxy appears as a diminutive blob. . . .”
A reminder that, viewed from such places as Galaxy MACS0647-JD, we are a diminutive blob.
News Item: “Each Thanksgiving, the U.S. consumes 690 million pounds of Turkey. That’s the weight of Singapore’s entire population. . . .”
Or 1,304,078 baby grand pianos, if you are still trying to visualize it.
Lest We Forget that the Dark Ages Were a Faith-Based Initiative:
Nearly half the people you see on the street believe Earth is less than 10,000 years old.
News Headline: “Donkey banned from running in Ecuador council elections.”
QT is behind schedule, so it will job out this item.
Please insert thoughts here comparing Ecuadoran elections to our elections, being sure to use the word “jackasses.”
Thanks.
Why We Should Have Done Something Yesterday About the Day After Tomorrow:
Kevin G. Barkes, a South Park, Pa., reader (and proprietor of the KGB Report) wants you to know if you were born after April 1985, you have never experienced a month that was “colder than normal.”
News Headline: “Einstein’s brain was definitely not like others, scientists say.”
News Headline: “Einstein’s brain: It was better than yours.”
OK. But any reason to rub it in?
From the QT Archive of Knowledge:
+ Women were not invited to the first Thanksgiving.
+ A group of turkeys is a gang of turkeys.
QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
Bill Scott, an East Northport, N.Y., reader, regarding another reader’s criticism of QT for using the word “woops,” writes:
“I checked Google for ‘woops’ and ‘whoops.’ I found 4,870,000 hits for ‘woops’ and 25,600,000 hits for ‘whoops.’ Then I started this e-mail, and for the subject wrote ‘Woops vs. Whoops.’ The spell-checker in my e-mail flagged ‘woops’ as a misspelling. I think I agree with the other reader that it’s ‘whoops.'”
Thank you for your research.
You deserve something of a hurrah, in fact.
Or is it hurray?
Write to QT at qt@beachwoodreporter.com
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QT appears Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
Posted on November 19, 2012