By Zay N. Smith
News Headline: “Presidential race too close to call.”
A call was placed.
“This is the residence of Irene Hughes.”
QT wishes to speak to Irene Hughes, the noted psychic.
A moment was waited.
“Hello?”
The polls say the presidential race is close. Do you have any sense of who is going to win?
“Romney is going to win.”
Really.
“Romney will win by a substantial margin.”
Thank you.
“You’re welcome.”
QT called four more psychics.
The final survey results:
+ Mitt Romney: 2
+ President Obama: 2
+ No Prediction: 1
The trend is apparent.
One day to go.
QT Early Warning System:
The Democrats have 2,500 lawyers on the ground for election day in Ohio alone.
QT Vote Count Countdown Update (Election Final):
News Headline: “Is Obama like Carter, as Romney says?”
News Headline: “Did Romney really suggest privatizing disaster relief?”
News Headline: “Did Obama really take away all those oil leases?”
News Headline: “Is Mitt Romney ‘presidential’ enough?”
News Headline: “Did Chris Christie destroy Romney’s new bipartisan pitch?”
News Headline: “Did Chris Christie kill his 2016 presidential chances?”
News Headline: “Is Justin Bieber sliding in popularity?”
News Headline: “Romney’s secrecy: Did he get away with it?”
No, yes, no, “yes,” yes, no, how did that get in there, we’ll know soon enough.
Take a breath. Try to hold on.
One day to go.
News Headline: “Get out and vote on Tuesday.”
Then again:
If you can’t, say, name your senators or the capital of Afghanistan, little things like that, please don’t vote.
You will be doing the nation a favor.
B.R., a Chicago reader, regarding QT’s wondering, if a group of larks is an exaltation of larks, what a group of politicians should be called, writes:
“A boodle of politicians.”
Kevin McClure, an Oak Park reader, writes:
“A feculency of politicians.”
A Republic, If You Can Keep It:
Fifty-seven percent of the American electorate believes in demonic possession.
News Headline: “Woman, 97: Voter ID a ‘cruel joke.’ ”
We all need to lighten up.
Can’t this woman see the humor in Republican efforts to trip up Americans as they try to vote?
+ President Obama to backers booing the mention of Mitt Romney:
“Don’t boo. Vote. Vote. Voting is the best revenge.”
+ Mitt Romney the next day:
“Yesterday the president said something you may already have heard that I found troubling–spoke to an audience and said voting is the best revenge. . . .”
Keeping in mind that no one is happier than a politician who is troubled by his opponent’s conduct.
Well. All right.
Maybe not as happy as a politician who is outraged or saddened.
News Item: Mitt Romney’s TV ads go 99 percent negative during the final week in October.
Feel free to insert a few words here about a candidate who can’t find much good to say about himself.
And then remember that President Obama ‘s TV ads went 85 percent negative.
News Headline: “Ohio secretary of state accused of installing suspicious software on voting machines.”
News Headline: “Last-minute directive by Ohio secretary of state could see legal votes discarded.”
And please don’t make anything of the fact that he is a Republican.
He assures us there is nothing to worry about.
Goodness gracious, why is everyone so mistrustful these days?
News Headline: “Donald Trump vs. Mitt Romney: Who has the better tan?”
News Headline: “Who would you rather have babysit: Obama or Romney?”
News Headline: “Campaign ads cast Romney as a better boyfriend than Obama.”
News Headline: “Obama and Romney: Where they stand on the issues.”
Whoa. How did that last one get in there?
From the QT Archive of Knowledge:
+ John F. Kennedy campaigned in 49 states in 1960.
+ Richard Nixon campaigned in 50 states in 1960.
+ President Obama and Mitt Romney have campaigned in 10 states.
News Item: Right-wing leaders warn in campaign’s closing weeks that if President Obama is re-elected, it will mean “a thousand years of darkness” marked by “dictatorship and collapse” during which the government will “erase the Second Amendment” and see to it that all who resist are “hunted down like dogs,” all leading to the United States becoming “a vassal state to a global entity” that will “send in U.N. troops” of occupation and “confiscate all the tinfoil” that patriots need to maintain their stockpiles of hats.
Sorry.
Made the last one up.
But not the rest.
News Headline: “Mr. Burns endorses Romney.”
News Headline: “Pee-Wee Herman endorses Obama.”
One day to go.
News Headline: “Rape comment hangs over Indiana race.”
News Headline: “GOP hopeful: ‘Rape thing’ not cause for abortion.”
News Headline: “McCaskill hits Akin with new ads featuring raped women.”
One day to go.
QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
K.R., a Baltimore reader, writes:
“It is ‘between 10 a.m. and 3 p.m.’ or ‘from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m.,’ but not, dammit, ‘between 10 a.m. to 3 p.m.’ I can’t fathom the lack of thought about words that produces the last. Would these people stand between a pillar to post?”
Sorry. QT can’t deal with this now.
It is too busy with an election that could be nip to tuck.
Write to QT at qt@beachwoodreporter.com
QT appears Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
Posted on November 5, 2012