By Zay N. Smith
News Headline: “Pope’s Twitter account expected to top one million followers.”
The pope opened his Twitter account a week ago today.
The latest tweet:
“@Pontifex hasn’t tweeted yet.”
We meanwhile saw 76 tweets from Justin Bieber during the same week.
Come to think of it:
Why couldn’t the pope borrow one of those to get started?
Maybe from December 3:
“got alot of ideas right now. feeling creative. kinda just hyped thinking thru all this stuff. planning all kinds of new stuff .”
Or maybe from December 9:
“come relax with me poolside.”
Or maybe not.
News Headline: “Mayan apocalypse: Panic spreads as December 21 nears.”
Or maybe we should keep an eye on December 31.
QT has noticed its calendar ends abruptly on that date.
In other news, Asteroid 2012 XE54, which was discovered yesterday, will pass between Earth and the moon tomorrow.
But you will be pleased to know that no asteroids will be approaching Earth on December 21.
That we have discovered.
News Headline: “Gay rights activists worried about Supreme Court review.”
There is no reason to worry about what the Supreme Court will do.
All that has to happen is this:
Every gay should go to a lawyer and sign papers of incorporation.
Then gays will be treated as people.
See how easy?
News Headline: “Study: People who live near bars drink more.”
News Headline: “Study: Men and women look at the world differently.”
News Headline: “Study: Gossip makes up 90 percent of workplace conversations.”
Noticed: Things we already know make up 90 percent of study findings.
News Headline: “Drug deal busted during Christmas parade.”
News Headline: “Crosswalk offenders busted by Santa decoy.”
Ho, Ho, Ho!
News Headline: “College drinking out of control.”
Reassuring that there have remained some constants over the years.
Kevin Smith, a Nashville, Tenn., reader, regarding QT’s reluctance to let go of a growing list of variations on the movie title Snakes on a Plane, in other words, its reluctance to see these remakes on the wane, writes:
“Please stop it now. For the sakes of the sane.”
All right. QT will stop it.
Well. Barring new outbreaks in that vein.
News Item: “. . . The technology, known as Wide Area Multilateration, improves safety and efficiency by allowing air traffic controllers to track aircraft in mountainous areas. . . .”
So the next time you are in flight over mountains, rest assured your pilot is being guided by a system called WAM.
News Headline: “Will robots someday destroy humanity?”
An insulting question.
Humanity is quite up to wiping itself out, thank you very much.
News Item: “. . . In the Finnish study, each 10 grams of fiber added to the diet decreased the risk of dying from heart disease by 17 percent. . . .”
That is the equivalent of three pieces of rye bread.
But let’s take it a step further.
QT calculates that if you can decrease your risk 17 percent with three pieces of rye bread, you can reduce it almost to zero by eating 31 sandwiches a day.
Don’t thank QT
Just trying to save a few lives.
News Item: “. . . that a key ingredient found in beer can boost cold-fighting abilities . . . .”
The key ingredient is humulone, found in beer hops.
But it is found only in small amounts.
So you will be need to drink 30 cans of beer a day for the anti-viral effect.
And a QT Fitness and Health bonus:
Now you have something to wash down the 31 sandwiches.
Mike Wolstein, a Park Ridge reader, writes:
“My computer has generated a ‘Fatal Error’ on more than one occasion. Does this mean it’s immortal?”
Yes.
From the QT Archive of Knowledge:
+ The 1968 minimum wage adjusted for inflation was 47 percent higher than it is today.
+ Ducks can sleep with one eye open.
QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Headline: “Poinsettas: Background on a holiday classic.”
News Headline: “Keep your poinsetta healthy.”
It might be healthier if spelled “poinsettia.”
Twenty-six percent of Floridians mispronounce “Florida,” by the way.
Write to QT at qt@beachwoodreporter.com
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Posted on December 10, 2012