By Zay N. Smith
Super Bowl XLVII Final Countdown Update:
+ XXVII percent of Americans plan to be on Facebook during the game.
+ XXVII percent of Americans believe God will determine the game’s outcome.
These are not necessarily the same Americans.
News Item: “. . . that stricter gun laws will save lives. . . .”
News Item: “. . . place undue burdens on the Second Amendment right to choose to defend ourselves. . . .”
So think of those for stricter gun laws as pro-life.
And think of those against as pro-choice.
That should eliminate any confusion.
News Headline: “New $1.6 billion supercomputer project will attempt to simulate the human brain.”
There must be a cheaper way to create a supercomputer that refuses to function much of the time.
+ Phil Halprin, a Schaumburg reader, reader, regarding QT’s mention that a case of vandalism by fruit-throwers in New Rochelle, N.Y., had caused police to investigate persimmons of interest, followed by a reader’s mention that a suspicious pear had been lurking in the area, writes:
“Apricot of the berry ugli items in your column, I find the whole situation fruitless.
+ Mike Reynolds, a West Allis, Wis., reader, writes:
“Orange you glad this discussion is almost over?”
+ J.T,, a Key West, Fla., reader, writes:
“These dreadful fruit puns deserve a straight-out raspberry.”
But that would demand araza right back.
Which means we seem to guava standoff.
QT will stop it now.
No. Really.
This is the end of the lime.
News Headline: “Man charged in avocado assault.”
Stop it.
Stop it now.
Lest We Forget that the Dark Ages Were a Faith-Based Initiative:
The middle schools of Cobb County, Ga., forbid any discussion on the subject of the “origin of the human species.”
News Headline: “Is it exploitative to have Sandy Hook students perform at Super Bowl?”
Or another question:
If you can think of anything that has to do with the Super Bowl that isn’t exploitative, would you please let QT know?
QT What Passes for Miracles These Days Update:
An image of Jesus that was discovered three years ago in the chipped paint on an outside wall of a pub in Warrnambool, Australia, has been painted over because, according to the owner, everyone was sort of tired of it.
News Headline: “Fresh fruit is America’s favorite snack, survey finds.”
And lying to survey-takers is its favorite pastime.
The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea wants you to know that Kim Jong Un’s Let’s Dynamically Struggle for a Final Victory is now out in paperback in Venezuela.
QT Modern Corporate Gibberish of the Week:
Ingenico has acquired Ogone.
News Headline: “Proposed quenching of phonon-induced processes in photoexcited quantum dots due to electron-hole asymmetries.”
As we might have expected.
QT Sunspot and Solar Wind Update: 56 and 756,070 mph.
For those keeping track.
QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Headline: “How Microsoft will convince you to buy a Windows phone.”
J.K, a Chicago reader, wants you to know that we convince someone to think something–but we must persuade someone to do something.
Anyone who says “from whence,” by the way, is saying “from from where.”
Write to QT at qt@beachwoodreporter.com
Visit QT at facebook.com/zaynsmithqt
QT appears Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
Posted on February 1, 2013