By Maude Perkins

Aside from my aforementioned resistance to suggestively sell, I have compiled a short list of other reasons that the world’s finest coffee purveyors may not appreciate giving me a paycheck.
1. Whenever we are supposed to sample the latest featured pastry to the customers, I typically only end up sampling about half of what I cut up. The other half goes towards my personal product knowledge gain. I like to taste enough to be able to articulate effectively to the customers, of course. Aside from my genuine desire to be a knowledgeable employee, I am being realistic as well. You would not believe how many of our customers refuse free, bite-size samples because they are watching their weight. That, to me, is a sad existence. Especially since, as we all know, everything tastes better in sample size.

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Posted on February 18, 2007

Date Taken: 2/17/07
From: Streeterville
To: Wicker Park
The Cab: A red Royal 3CC Cab Co. sedan that was classically squeaky and rough-hewn. A puddle had formed in the rear left floor space. I guess the cabbie hasn’t learned the newspaper-as-mat trick.

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Posted on February 17, 2007

Date Taken: 2/17/07
From: Wicker Park
To: Streeterville
The Cab: This was a van cab. I’ve never known if these were strictly for airport use or large parties; I confess, in my embarrassed ignorance, I’ve stood on cold corners and let van cabs go by with nary a wave. This time I gave a half-hearted, barely perceptible wave and the guy pulled up and lowered the front passenger window, as if I wanted to ask for directions or something and not for a ride because, well, this is a van cab. I admitted to the driver that I was clueless about van cabs, but needed to go downtown. “I’ll do it, no problem,” he said – leaving the question of van cab etiquette and use unanswered. Maybe he was just bored.

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Posted on February 17, 2007

Date Taken: 2/6/07
From: Loop
To: Wicker Park
The Cab: The newspapers on the floor, to absorb wet footwear I presume, were folksy yet unappealing. They appeared to be Tribune pages. More coverage, I suppose. The driver also kept an ample supply of straws, Q-Tips, and dental floss within reach.

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Posted on February 15, 2007

By The Beachwood Spooning Affairs Desk

Hello Mr. Steve Rhodes:
The following press release about Spoonmantics, a new way to express your love may be of interest to your audience. Any editorial comment or mention that you may give this press release would be greatly appreciated.
– – –
A NEW TYPE OF LOVE EXPRESSION IS IN THE AIR FOR VALENTINE’S DAY 2007 – SPOONMANTICS – LOVE JUST FITS!
Dateline: February 8, 2007 … Columbus, OH
Contact: Judith Will Fleming
Phone: (614) 560-6791
E-Mail: judith.fleming@spoonmantics.com
Web Address: www.spoonmantics.com/
COLUMBUS, OH – February 8, 2007 – With Valentine’s Day 2007 approaching, romantics everywhere are talking about a new brand that combines passion, love, friendship, and even chocolate and jewelry into one fascinating gift collection called Spoonmantics. Spoonmantics is definitely the new word for Valentine’s Day and every day of the year, bringing a new twist to the way sweethearts express their love.

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Posted on February 13, 2007

By Maude Perkins

Nothing like a long streak of sub-zero temperatures to enliven my bitterness. Every single time that front door opens at work, and the negative degree wind comes a-gusting up to the register on the down parkas and fur coats of suburbia’s finest, I find myself loathing customers even more.
Greetings From Earth
I would like to clarify that when another human being says “Hello” to you, a customary response would be something along the lines of – assuming we are being strictly hypothetical in English – I don’t know . . . “Hello” might work. An improper response, on the other hand, could sound like “Grande coffee.” Or even, “Give me one of those muffins.” I’m not prying into your personal space, I am not asking how your boring family is doing, I am just saying hello. No matter who you are or what stocks you own, you are not above greeting another human.

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Posted on February 11, 2007

Date Taken: 2/6/07
From:: Wicker Park
To:: Loop
The Cab: With no separating glass between the front and back seats, and bucket front seats instead of the high-backed bench seat, this was the cab equivalent to having seats really close to the field. The additional touch of bills and mail stuffed under the visors made it feel like I was just getting a ride from a friend.

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Posted on February 8, 2007

By Maude Perkins

The Man has spoken. I don’t have the right personality to do my job effectively. Or at least that’s what my district manager says. She has made this confident assessment just one day after meeting me.
Yes, despite an extensive history of happy customers and impeccable job performance, a perfect record of log-recording, a masterful and speedy career as a barista, and three years as a distinguished member of the coffee culture, I recently received word that none of that matters because I am too sarcastic. And I refuse to suggestively sell, which is apparently the only element of the job that means anything to anyone who isn’t actually standing behind a register, forced to suggestively sell.
This isn’t a surprise by any stretch, but Corporate wants us to be fake. Like the transforming costume of a superhero, once my apron goes on I am supposed to become a phony-baloney in-your-face salesman, leaving all traces of my personality at the door. I don’t get paid enough to put on an enthusiastic act about pastries, nor raise my voice to a nicer, more happy-to-see-you octave.

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Posted on February 2, 2007

CThe Beachwood Fool A Fish  small  sup TM  sup   small  Affairs Desk

Hello Mr. Steve Rhodes:
The following press release about UV Fish Spray may be of interest to your audience. Any editorial comment or mention that you may give this press release would be greatly appreciated.
– – –
EXCITING BREAKTHROUGH PRODUCT FOR FISHERMEN “UV FISH SPRAY” HOOKS 3 TO 4 TIMES MORE FISH
Dateline: January 26, 2007 … Berkeley Springs, WV
Contact: Isbjorn Marketing & Sales, Inc.
Phone: (877)400-6753
E-Mail: luremaster@uvfishspray.com
Web Address: www.uvfishspray.com
Berkeley Springs, WV – January 26, 2007 – For decades, bait and lure companies have conducted tests to find new and better ways of attracting fish to the hook more quickly and more often. A recent breakthrough has been discovered, combining science with fisherman instinct. It’s called Fool-A-Fish ^TM the new amazing UV Fish Spray that is helping fishermen catch three to four times more fish.

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Posted on January 27, 2007

By Natasha Julius

Week 1: Gas Ex Machina
It’s been a week since I broke my fast and there’s one thing I know for certain: eating is really hard work.
I don’t mean just the chewing, although that definitely takes it out of you. I mean the whole experience of swallowing food, digesting it and (hopefully) eliminating the waste products. My first “meal” in more than two weeks was half a banana, and readers, I kid you not: that half banana kicked my ass.

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Posted on January 26, 2007