Date Taken: 4/2/07
From: Wicker Park
To: State and Illinois
The Cab: Well-tended, but drowning in a heavy, stale vanilla scent made worse by how it was disconcertingly slightly too warm in there. A nice leather hand strap thingie hung from the cab ceiling near the door, though, which was kind of nice. I guess if you have to grab something and hang on, Driver #6681 wants you to grab something with class, as opposed to the drunk skanks his typical riders probably bring with them.

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Posted on April 6, 2007

Dear Heifer International:

I am going to burn in hell for this, I know. I know that. You guys are my number one favorite charity. You should hear what I say about charities I don’t like. In fact, I’m going to donate a flock of chicks right now, before I write any further.
There. Chicks accomplished. Now, here’s my beef (though ironically I’ve never been flush enough to donate an entire cow): It’s that e-mail you sent me just before International Women’s Day.
The e-mail invited me to read Heifer’s statement on Gender Equity. But then you added this: “You’ll truly know more about gender equity in Heifer’s work and why it’s not a feminist perspective or a Western imposed approach.”
Whoa there. Why not just tell me to take my chicks and shove ’em? Or perhaps your e-mail director accidentally clicked “send” before sorting out Western women who don’t belong to Focus on the Family. I e-mailed you right back, but you never answered. So I’ll try again here.

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Posted on April 3, 2007

By The Beachwood Fishkind Affairs Desk

Hello Mr. Steve Rhodes:
The following press release to announce the appointment of Scott Fishkind to the office of Chairman for Standard Tinsmith Supply, may be of interest to your audience. Any editorial comment or mention that you may give this press release would be greatly appreciated.
– – –
LEADING SHEET METAL AND HVAC SUPPLY COMPANY, STANDARD TINSMITH SUPPLY, APPOINTS A NEW CHAIRMAN
Dateline: March 29, 2007 … Brooklyn, NY
Contact: Scott Fishkind
Web Address: www.tinsmith.com
BROOKLYN, NY – March 29, 2007 – Standard Tinsmith Supply, a leading company in the sheet metal industry that is based in Brooklyn, New York, announced Thursday that a new Chairman of the Board of Trustees has been appointed. Scott Fishkind accepted the office of Chairman on March 15, 2007.
The company cited Fishkind’s years of experience and contributions to the company and his community in announcing his appointment. The company feels that Fishkind will be a tremendous asset. He has already established close working relationships with large building developers such as Burman Properties, BRT Realty, and Pinewood Developments. Through these relationships, the company has been able to gather valuable ideas, material, and market analysis.

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Posted on March 30, 2007

By The Beachwood Introspection Affairs Desk

We asked a man on the street.
1. Is this a ‘Tastes Great’ town, or a ‘Less Filling’ town?
Man on the street: That one’s easy. Even our pizza is overweight.
2. Is this a Dick Phelan town, or a Dick Devine town?
Man on the street: Unfortunately a Dick Phelan town. Even our manliest man, da Coach, does Levitra commercials.
3. Is this an “Eye for an Eye”, or a “Turn the Other Cheek” town?
Man on the street: Depends on the neighborhood. Depends on the cheek.
4. Is this an Oprah town, or a Jerry Springer town?
Man on the street: Ask William Ligue.
5. Is this a Field Museum town, or a Museum of Science and Industry town?
Man on the street: The Museum of Science and Industry, because a green Mold-A-Rama of Lincoln’s head is way better than a blue Mold-A-Rama of a Triceratops.

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Posted on March 28, 2007

By Maude Perkins

Enough exasperation. Spring is a-titillating, I am playful as a pup, and work has been full of random delights.
* I was deemed a “wise and wonderful barista” by a customer whom I had never seen before. I was genuinely touched by her compliment, as it is rare to have your sensitivity to detail acknowledged. Too bad my district manager wasn’t in earshot – you know, the one who thinks my personality sucks.
* Said district manager dropped by the store for her monthly visit, once again reminding us that nothing good ever visits monthly. Besides National Geographic.

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Posted on March 26, 2007

By Maude Perkins

Are you smarter than a Variety Pack of Jewel Instant Oatmeal?
1. What is the largest island in Greece? (Maple & Brown Sugar)
2. What instrument was invented in 1829 and can fit into your pocket? (Cinnamon & Spice)
3. What U.S. band had the 1966 hit with “Good Vibrations”? (Cinnamon & Spice)
4. What was the name of Jacque Costeau’s boat where he conducted underwater reseach? (Apples & Cinnamon)
5. Name the art of clipping shrubs into ornamental shapes. (Regular)

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Posted on March 22, 2007

Dear Person Who Let Their Dog Defecate Near The Southeast Corner Of 58th And Kimbark:

You don’t know me, of course. Apparently there is a physical law which repels dog owners from anyone who has had contact with their dog’s feces. In other words, you have never met anyone who stepped in your dog’s shit. Otherwise you could not possibly continue leaving said dog shit laying around, because one of us would have long since put you into a persistent vegetative state. That would make it difficult to walk your dog on other people’s property in order to defecate.
This same physical law repels all dog shit from the feet of dog owners. Here is the logical proof: It’s impossible for a non-dog owner to avoid stepping in dog shit. We’ve all done it. And any human being, having stepped in dog shit, would never impose that experience on others. Ipso facto, dog owners are obviously impervious to stepping in dog shit. You, specifically, have never stepped in dog shit.

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Posted on March 20, 2007

By Maude Perkins

Just about two months ago, I wrote about my distaste for the company’s policy of externally hiring people to be swiftly molded into managers, at the stress and expense of the baristas and the whole store in general (customers included, I might add). My inspiration to rant about that policy was our New Year’s gift from Corporate – an awkward and misfit assistant manager whose very presence added a tense stillness to our noisy bustling days.
I recall mentioning that a barista’s life is not for pussies. Rather, it takes a certain accrual of experience gained not by reading about hypothetical situations with characters named Tony Coffee Cake or Jose Espresso, but by actually getting burned, stained, and lid-lacerated hands. (Those lid lacerations, by the way, are just ever-so-slightly worse than paper cuts, if you can imagine. )
I have not gone far into detail about how the assistant manager affected our store dynamics. But let’s just say it took us weeks just to get her to pronounce “dolce” correctly.
And so, while I will spare you the gory details, I must say we were all correct and hardly surprised when she abruptly resigned. She peaced-out quicker than the fat kid in dodge ball.

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Posted on March 15, 2007

By The Beachwood Best Places Affairs Desk

Rich Daley has taken to bragging lately about how Chicago is the greatest city in the universe at just about everything. Not everyone agrees, though. In the April issue of Men’s Journal, for example, Chicago fails to rate in no less than six categories of fun livin’ that makes up its Best 50 Places To Live – including Best Downtowns(!).
Not that we put much stock in magazine rankings, but we don’t put much stock in the mayor’s overblown – and largely unchallenged – sense of Chicago’s charms. So just for fun, let’s take a look and see where the nation’s men of adventure think we’re lacking.

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Posted on March 11, 2007

Dear People Who Normally Park in the 5300 to 5500 Blocks of S. Shore Drive:

Where the hell did you go?
About half of you vanished February 13, the day of the big snowstorm. You didn’t all leave for Cancun or Disney World right before they shut down the airports. So the question remains: Where were you, or more specifically, where were your cars?

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Posted on March 6, 2007