By Marilyn Ferdinand

Roger Ebert’s ninth annual Overlooked Film Festival almost didn’t happen. The beloved and influential film critic who started the festival became deathly ill almost a year ago when his carotid artery, weakened by radiation therapy to treat his cancer of the thyroid and salivary gland, finally split following surgery. His recovery, watched anxiously by his family and friends as well as his many fans, has been very slow. The fate of his annual festival of offroad films, though a much lesser concern, still had many of us wondering and hoping that this very special event would somehow pull through, too. When Roger got the news that the full-festival passes had sold out a week after they went on sale, he was determined to go on with the show.

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Posted on April 30, 2007

Date Taken: 4/27/07
From: Roscoe Village
To: Old Irving
The Cab: Heavily fortified and upholstered in rich tobacco hues. Fort Knox-style rear doors. Maybe it was the deep-gauge vinyl seat covering, but the whole thing seemed thicker than a normal cab.

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Posted on April 30, 2007

By James Finn Garner

A lot of excitement was generated by the unveiling of the newest design for the Chicago Spire, and not just because it looks like a giant vanilla soft-serve. The possible erection of Santiago Calatrava’s bright and airy skyscraper brought out the hidden science nerd in everyone, without people even realizing it. Why? If the Chicago Spire is built, it will complete Chicago’s set of humongous-scale models of the Seven Simple Machines.
Think back to grade school. Imagine how excited your science teacher would be to see these gargantuan examples of applied science. Archimedes, eat your heart out.

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Posted on April 27, 2007

By Marilyn Ferdinand

With recent abuses by members of the Chicago Police Department making news nationally, the Beachwood thought readers might like to put on their thinking caps and “Name that Abuser!” (Redacted for entertainment purposes only. Text from The 2006 Amnesty International Report: The State of the World’s Human Rights.)
A. Limited legal and judicial reforms did little to improve human rights protection. Tens of thousands of people continued to be detained in violation of their human rights and were at risk of torture or ill treatment. Thousands of people were sentenced to death or executed. The authorities frequently resorted to the use of force against growing social unrest. There was a renewed crackdown on the media and Internet controls were tightened. The           community                               continued to face severe repression as part of the authorities’ “war on terror”. Freedom of expression and religion continued to be severely restricted in                     areas.           arms sales to           raised concerns that its actions were contributing to human rights violations in other countries.           continued a limited dialogue with selected members of the international community on human rights issues. However, human rights defenders at home continued to be arbitrarily detained and some were sentenced to prison terms. NAME THAT ABUSER!

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Posted on April 24, 2007

By The Beachwood Thermodynamic Affairs Desk

Hello Mr. Steve Rhodes:
The following press release about a new breakthrough in the concept of perpetual motion is found in the Solomon Series, which may be of interest to your audience. Any editorial comment or mention that you may give this press release would be greatly appreciated.
– – –
PETROLEUM PROBLEMS ADDRESSED WITH PERPETUAL MOTION TECHNOLOGY BREAKTHROUGH
Dateline: April 11, 2007 . . . Houston, TX
Contact: Theodore L. (Ted) Whidden
Phone: (850) 685-2353
E-Mail: TedWhidden@PHDService.com
Web Address: www.SolomonSeries.com
HOUSTON, TX – April 11, 2007 – The “Energy Issue” is being addressed through a new breakthrough in concept and design of “Perpetual Motion” theory. While studying ancient construction projects in the Middle East, a researcher learns how to conduct massive projects without modern/conventional power sources. What power process was used prior to man’s dependence on Petroleum products? Prior to “combustion” theory there was a technology developed and abandoned, because they did not have the ability to manufacture small rigid structures. Now that we have plastics, metal, etc., we are empowered by ancient power and wisdom to resurrect old technology developed long before it was perfectly understood.

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Posted on April 20, 2007

Dear New Skin Cancer Specialist:

You had me at “You will get skin cancer. You were born to get skin cancer.”
I can’t say “You had me at hello” because you never actually said that. When you walked into the exam room, I said “Hi” and you declared, “I’m going to cut you today!” – in a very friendly, cheerful way. I enjoyed your slight accent. I couldn’t quite place it, but from your pale complexion I’m guessing somewhere Nordic. I’m also assuming that “I’m going to cut you today” isn’t slang for “hello” in your native tongue. If it is, then you did have me at hello, after all.

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Posted on April 17, 2007

By Marilyn Ferdinand

Editor’s Note: Not to be trendy, but Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez just picked their favorite movie posters of all time for Entertainment Weekly, and Premiere recently came up with their own list, so we asked Ferdy on Films proprietor and Beachwood contributor Marilyn Ferdinand to come up with her own take on the best movie posters ever. She filed this report.
Picking the best posters of all time is a hard job. More than 100 years of movies, marketed with alternate versions and foreign-language posters in most of the countries on this planet – well, you see the challenge. I’m sure there are some objective criteria based on good design practices that could be applied to this exercise, but eventually it comes down to taste and the test of time. When I considered how I would go about this task, I took a look at some other “best” lists for inspiration, and then decided to take a decade approach to encompass the entire history of cinema. I wanted to stick to one poster per decade, but you know how that goes . . . Anyway, here are my unscientific picks for the best posters from 1900 to the present.

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Posted on April 13, 2007

By Maude Perkins

If my memory serves, my last posting found me quite delirious and tolerant of my customers. Yes, for that brief, fleeting moment, I acknowledged the possibility that not everyone was completely fucking stupid. But like I said . . . delirious and fleeting.
It wasn’t two days after I wrote that kind post that I wanted to shit in no less than twenty people’s coffees. It was almost as if the customers had read my nice words and subsequently united on a mission to return my life to a moderate-climate hell. They obviously didn’t like the friendly Maude. Which I understand, because it was creeping me out too.
It was a Friday afternoon that snapped me out of my sun-inspired jolliness. Nothing makes the hairs on your neck stand alert like the ringing of the school bell that signifies the commencement of Spring Break. The pre-teens swarmed like locusts that day, buzzing so loud that I nearly lost my voice shouting over them to confirm drink orders.
Likewise, there was an abundance of semi-retarded moms who contributed to my disgust. For example, the woman who ordered two large lemonades (not on the menu) and then, after receiving her two large lemonades, thought it was the best time to ask for them to be sweetened and shaken. Of course, I should have just known that. Lucky for me, limousines came and swept most of the idiots away for the week. Just about every last one of them went to Florida.

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Posted on April 11, 2007

Date Taken: 4/2/07
From: State and Grand
To:: Wicker Park
The Cab: Spotless. Not brand new spotless, but as spotless as a cab with a bit of wear could be. A light odor of cab scent. I have to say I was also thrilled, for some reason, at the cab’s low number. It was like riding in a clout cab.
The Driver: Exceedingly polite. Exceedingly. His “Thank you, sir” routine was a bit off-putting. I don’t like being called “sir.” I kept wondering who he was talking to, but there was no one else but me.

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Posted on April 9, 2007

By Scott Gordon

Essential to the tale of The Passion are the extras – the onlooking good pagans (and, the devout might point out, bad Jews?) who jeered and roared as the LORD got His flesh ripped off and took an unwanted peek at the devil baby. Who would those folks be today? Maybe you. Maybe me. Yet instead of attaching ourselves to that savage, sadistic horde, many of us prefer to liken ourselves, even if secularly, to those who stood by Christ til the end. Come the hell on – the guy had a respectable following in his day, yet the Roman Empire and its horrific entertainments clearly hogged the market share.
During Holy Week and on Easter, Christians effectively lock away the part of themselves that shares the mob’s festive bloodlust. What about those of us who wish to air it? Crucifixion used to be a party, dudes! Some wish to join the few; the rest of us would rather be dunking our heads in earthen wine jugs and playing Biblical-times stickball with leftover skulls. So let’s take back Easter. We’ll call it Crucifest.

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Posted on April 7, 2007