By Julia Gray

– “Next Burns War Could Be Vietnam“
1. The Vietnam War. Yes, there have been some great documentaries done about this war, but his will be better because he’ll have a subtle, yet great score playing throughout to hide the fact that Burns keeps making the same doc over and over and over . . .
2. Grenada. Riveting interviews with med students who were probably too stoned to realize what was going on. Subtle, yet great score playing underneath the over-exposed images and blah narration about a blah war.
3. The Falklands War. More riveting interviews with sheep farmers who were more concerned with making the perfect haggis than whether or not Prince Andrew was going to save them from the Argentine Army and their archaic weaponry.

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Posted on September 21, 2007

By The Beachwood Serenity Affairs Desk

Electrolux Central Vacuum Systems has introduced the new Beam Serenity IQS. We believe visitors to The Beachwood Reporter will find this information helpful as the product can improve the indoor air quality of the home while offering up 25 percent more cleaning power, quiet performance and intuitive technology. The following news release has more detail. You can download low- and high-resolution photos at www.beampresscenter.com.
Contact: Bill Brewer, APR
ZLRIGNITION Public Relations
(515) 244-4456 ext. 104
bbrewer@zlrignition.com
Larry Hartley
Electrolux Central Vacuum Systems
(515) 832-4620
larry.hartley@electrolux.com
*
Beam Serenity® IQS™ Brings Intuitive Communication to Central Vac User Fresh Thinking Provides Performance, Maintenance Information
WEBSTER CITY, Iowa – The quietest, most powerful central vacuum system now is also the smartest system. Beam, the global central vacuum leader, has added an intuitive, electronic user information system to its top-of-the-line system with the Serenity® IQS™ Power Unit.

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Posted on September 20, 2007

By The Beachwood Dating Affairs Desk

The dating network of Nerve.com offers automated, pre-written “Quick Replies” you can send to people who have contacted you but who you aren’t interested in. When the Beachwood dating network gets up and running, we will offer “Quick Replies” too.
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Nerve: Sorry, I am too busy to respond to you right now.
Beachwood: Sorry, I am too strung out to respond to you right now.
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Nerve: Um, I don’t think our personalities match.
Beachwood: Um, I’m just curious. What in the world could you possibly be thinking?
*
Nerve: I respond only to profiles with photos.
Beachwood: I’m not sending a photo either. Let’s just pretend.

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Posted on September 18, 2007

Dear Children’s Museum:

Look, I hate Navy Pier as much as the next guy. I don’t blame you for deciding to blow that joint. You’re probably tired of the insane parking rates.
However, I am puzzled by the widely-promulgated theory that the Children’s Museum must move to Grant Park, and only Grant Park. I gather from your supporters that if you are prevented from building an approximately 100,000 square foot, largely subterranean new museum on the site of Daley Bicentennial Plaza in Grant Park, all hell will break loose.
The children of Chicago will be irrevocably harmed, perhaps forced to snack on lead paint chips and play exclusively with recalled toys made in China. A mob of uppity rich people from East Randolph and the developing Lakeshore East will wrest control of Grant Park in a bloody midnight coup, keeping the rest of us at bay by waving hundreds of The Best Flaming Torch from Hammacher Schlemmer.
No, I’m sorry. I’m just not feeling it. You’ve successfully turned the narrative of this issue, as the spin doctors would say, into “poor children of Chicago versus rich selfish high-rise dwellers.” Mayor Daley got in on it too at a Monday press conference with one of his trademark nutty rants, no doubt hoping to steer attention away from the CTA. “You mean you don’t want children from the city in Grant Park?” he demanded. “Why? Are they black?”
However, to buy into that scenario, one must believe some manifestly untrue points:

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Posted on September 18, 2007

By Ed Schwartz

My lights were flickering during a thunderstorm when the latest commercial for Com Ed appeared on the TV. While their wires whipped about in the wind and rain, casting thousands into darkness, the sartorial president of the world’s largest maker of short circuits explained how much they have done for us without rate increases. You don’t have to be a deep thinker to know what’s coming.
A utility like Com Ed spends millions each year on advertising. The fact they have no competition doesn’t seem to matter. Why advertise a monopoly? The ad campaigns often attempt to sell us confidence and trust. Not good messages on rainy and windy days if you get my meaning.

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Posted on September 17, 2007

By The Beachwood Equine Affairs Desk

The following press release introducing Hemp for Horses, a business that takes a holistic approach to equine health, may be of interest to your audience. Any editorial comment or mention that you may give this press release would be greatly appreciated.
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HEMP FOR HORSES: A HOLISTIC APPROACH FOR BETTER EQUINE (and CANINE) HEALTH
Dateline: September 13, 2007 . . . Minton, SK, Canada
Contact: Lana Tatarliov
Phone: (306) 869-2244
Web Address: www.hempforhorses.com
MINTON, SK, CANADA – September 13, 2007 – Despite misconceptions about hemp, an increasing number of horse owners are finding that the plant’s nutritional properties reduce inflammation and increase the overall well being of their animals (all warm-blooded animals can benefit). “Hemp is emphatically not a drug. It is a natural product that is absolutely safe with no side effects,” says Lana Tatarliov, who has launched Hemp for Horses (www.hempforhorses.com). “Feeding hemp to horses provides them with a combination of essential fatty acids not found in other oils.”

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Posted on September 14, 2007

By Ed Schwartz

Some will never get over the shock of learning that the U.S. Army missile sites at Belmont Harbor and Jackson Park were nuclear-equipped during the Cold War without the civilian population and the local government knowing. Just thinking of all the times I played or passed by both locations gives me shivers.
The A-bombs were not like “Fat Man and Little Boy” from WWII fame. These were nuclear-tipped missiles. When they conducted on site drills and raised missiles to firing positions those nukes were there, right out in the open, but we just didn’t know. This revelation is one of the most disturbing reports of government lying I have ever heard.

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Posted on September 11, 2007

By J.J. Tindall

I WAS WATCHING JIM MIKLASZEWSKI
I was watching Jim Miklaszewski when the plane
hit the Pentagon. I did not yet know that my friend
Dan was killed. Rod would call
with that “news” the following day. Our hilarious, radical, knucklehead
high-school buddy had become Commander of Naval Intelligence

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Posted on September 11, 2007

By J.J. Tindall

THE RELENTLESS MUSIC OF HOLLOW CLICHES
Sorry, ladies:
I want
to be an
artist.

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Posted on September 7, 2007

By J.J. Tindall

I ONCE PRAYED TO GOD
I once
Prayed to God
To
Die.

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Posted on September 6, 2007