Dear Enabling Aldermen:

Kill two birds with one stone. Invite an exorcist to say the prayer opening your next meeting and then put him to work on Ald. George Cardenas (12th).
Cardenas lacked only a spinning head at the City Council budget showdown Tuesday, so clearly was he possessed by the spirit of the first Mayor Daley. And the first Mayor Daley was ready to hurl green vomit at aldermen who dared vote against the current Mayor Daley’s 2008 budget with its $83 million property tax increase.
“It’s easy to talk about! It’s easy to criticize!” Cardenas/Richard J. Daley sputtered, nearly levitating above his microphone.

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Posted on November 14, 2007

Dear Chicago City Council:

None of you wear ruby slippers. For the most part, it’s wingtips, tassled loafers and some tasteful heels – though I have often seen one of your female members wearing gym shoes with her business skirt and jacket on the council floor. Any of these will do. Now, click your heels together three times and say:
There’s no reason we can’t vote against Mayor Daley’s budget.
There’s no reason we can’t vote against Mayor Daley’s budget.
There’s no reason we can’t vote against Mayor Daley’s budget.
That’s right, you’ve always had the power to vote against his budget. It’s the law – you can look it up. You probably won’t believe me, though; you have to learn it for yourself. But I’m afraid you won’t figure it out in time for the budget showdown this week, so I’m going to lecture a bit anyway.

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Posted on November 12, 2007

By The Beachwood Suicide Affairs Desk

We all know about The Chicago Way, but the good folks at Beachwood Labs have determined that there is also a Chicago Way Out – surefire suicide methods unique to our fair city. To wit:
* Standing between Jim Belushi and the camera at any Chicago sporting event.
* Honking Joey “The Clown” Lombardo’s nose right after spraying selzer water on him.
* Geting in between the governor and his comb.

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Posted on November 9, 2007

By J.J. Tindall

The Conquest of Shit Creek
Black Hawk said “Fuck
This, I want
My land
Back.” Beaubien
Thought he’d
Pulled a fast
One, got the Heathens
Drunk, got ’em to sign away

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Posted on November 8, 2007

By J.J. Tindall

Men Made Out Of Birds
Behold the Birdman: dove feathers, black eyes, wine-red tail.
Belligerent as the garish sun, Jove-bound to make war.
His cold, dove blood hums. Then, dove-white, lightning strikes.
Blonde smoke billows, black doves dive, then die.
The flock of his body flings mercilessly, hissing.
What pain is his mother? What rain fangs the bleak eyes?
This is the rain that flecks black eyes: the last lust of American Mars.
Thus solitary, and like a widow thus. Cold, light blood. Red stars, plum stars.
Old, cold light. The black blinking sky: cacophony of war widows.
War: rain burns and blood reigns. He taught a tree to see and it learned.
This is the pain that mothers lust. He set a bee free and it burned.

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Posted on November 7, 2007

By J.J. Tindall

Mission From Jah
I and I
Are on a mission
From
Jah. Mission Control says
Maketh a
Joyful

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Posted on November 6, 2007

By J.J. Tindall

Make It You
When you see it, you see it.
You always know. Stop hurting.
Try to stop hurting
people. Try to stop
hurting.
Chilly, silent conflagration: Grant Park, Chicago, October.
Auburn, rose, pumpkin, melon, burgundy, the moon
and sun both rise above the same deceptively placid

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Posted on November 5, 2007

By the Beachwood Brazier Affairs Desk

DQ® Orange Julius® Opens In Chicago
Lincoln Avenue Location Is Second In The City
CHICAGO – The newest, most exciting restaurant concept from treat industry leader Dairy Queen® has again arrived in Chicago. The second DQ® Orange Julius® restaurant in the city, featuring signature DQ and Orange Julius craveable treats on the menu, recently opened at 2200 N. Lincoln Ave., bringing more than 25 new jobs to the area.
Operated by franchisees Jon and Erica Goldman, the new 2,500 square-foot DQ Orange Julius seats 20 inside, 12 on the outdoor patio and offers a separate party room. There’s also a walk-up window, reminiscent of historic DQ treat stores.

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Posted on November 2, 2007

By The Beachwood Super Shirt Affairs Desk

The following press release introducing Clothing 4 All, the premiere online source for wholesale workwear with built in technology, may be of interest to your audience. Any editorial comment or mention that you may give this press release would be greatly appreciated.
– – –
EMPLOYERS “BULLETPROOF” STAFF MEMBERS WITH TEFLON-FINISHED SHIRTS
Dateline: Riverside, CA
Contact: Gene Constant
E-Mail: gene@clothing4all.com
Web Address: www.clothing4all.com
RIVERSIDE, CA – October 30, 2007 – “While vests made of Kevlar can save lives on the battlefield, retail uniforms and corporate wear finished with DuPont Teflon(R) can prevent deadly stains and keep employees looking and feeling their best,” said Gene Constant, President of Clothing 4 All, the premiere online source for wholesale workwear. “That’s why employers who want staff members to dress to impress are turning to long-sleeved, stain-resistant ‘Super Shirts.'”

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Posted on November 1, 2007

The Beachwood Haunted News Release Affairs Desk

AMERICA’S TOP HAUNTED ATTRACTIONS
List Highlights New Standards of Fear and Fun at Leading Haunts
St. Louis, MO – To kick off the 2007 Haunt Season, Hauntworld Magazine, the haunt industry’s leading trade publication, today announced its list of the Top 13 Professional Haunted Attractions in the country. These attractions are being recognized for their attention to detail, high-quality special effects, and overall scare factor.

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Posted on October 31, 2007