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Day 9 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas
On the 9th day of Christmas, the Beachwood gave to me
a practical alternative to a Christmas tree
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O Christmas Pole, O Christmas Pole
This year I’ll take no chances
O Christmas Pole, O Christmas Pole
You need no leaves or branches
$2.99 at Ace Hardware
A metal stick just standing there
O Christmas Pole, O Christmas Pole
You’re so convenient!
Posted on December 22, 2007
Day 8 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas
On the 8th day of Christmas, El Taco Bandito gave to me
a haunting culinary memory
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‘Twas the night before Christmas at El Taco Bandito
They serve tacos, enchiladas and brain-size burritos
We drove in Stan’s Chevy, Milwaukee and Sunnyside was not far
So Tim and Kev, Paul and Mark, Bill and I rode along in his car
We arrived at el restaurante from the jukebox-blared La Bamba
Knowing a few hours later our stomachs would be doing the mamba
The tortillas on the table were nestled with care
Awaiting the salsa dip chaser, hot sauce if you dared
Posted on December 21, 2007
Day 7 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas
On the 7th day of Christmas, Beachwood gave to me
more Cubs mediocrity
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1908, 1908, the TV wasn’t invented, West Side Park’s where you played
William Taft won the election
Ford produced his first Model T
Tinker, Evers, Chance and Steinfeldt made your infield deep
You beat the Tigers in five
Now there’s no one who saw it alive
1908, 1908. all those years of frustration just keep slipping away
You’ve been cursed by a pet goat back in 1945
And a Black cat crossed Ron Santo’s path as he roamed the third base line
And Leon Durham was a player you loved
Till that fair ball skipped under his glove
Posted on December 20, 2007
Day 6 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas
On the 6th day of Christmas, the Beachwood gave to me
A solution for my flaccidity
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I’ve got erectile dysfunction this Christmas
My turtle wants to hide inside his shell
It’s flaccid and it’s limp, just like a little boys’
I need a taco warmer I can play with and enjoy
I’ve got erectile dysfunction this Christmas
I’m hoping Santa Clause will have a clue
He’ll leave me a stocking with those pills so blue
Then my hapless Elmer
Can start shooting out some glue
Posted on December 19, 2007
Dear Macy’s:
The Walnut Room may have improved the quality of its food this holiday season. Perhaps now it’s on par with Burger King’s French Toast Sticks. I don’t know. After last year’s vile experience at our family’s annual Walnut Room breakfast, preceding the traditional visit to Santa, we vowed never to return. [See last year’s letter to Macy’s below for the nightmarish details.] It was an easy promise to keep, admittedly in part because our youngest child no longer believes in Santa, just in presents from Santa.
You have, to your credit, settled on a theme for the Christmas windows on State Street that actually has something to do with Christmas – the Nutcracker – after several years of stories which were complete holiday nonsequiters. However, you are simultaneously continuing the recent and unconscionable practice of decorating the giant Walnut Room tree not in tandem with the window displays, but as a crass merchandising push.
Posted on December 19, 2007
Day 5 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas
On the 5th Day of Christmas, the Beachwood gave to me
Girls in lingerie and a shirtless man you shouldn’t see
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Posted on December 18, 2007
Day 4 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas
On the 4th day of Christmas, Don’s Grill gave to me
A pickle on a pure beef patty
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O Holy Grill
On Cicero and Belmont
You were the place where my drunk friends would go
O Holy Grill
Your meat was really greasy
With grilled onions and some french fries on the side
Posted on December 17, 2007
Day 3 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas
On the 3rd day of Christmas, the Beachwood gave to me
A woman running for the Presidency
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Hillary, Hillary, you’re Bill Clinton’s spouse
He’ll be the First Husband
In your feminist White House
Hillary, Hillary, you went to Wellesley
Then on to Yale Law School
Where you earned your law degree
Dashing through New York
Health care’s the card you play
More taxes from the rich
Equality for gays
The pantsuits that you wear
Show that you’ve got class
I’ll bet if you arm wrestled
You’d kick Giuliani’s ass
Posted on December 16, 2007
Day 2 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas
On the 2nd day of Christmas, Tom Latourette gave to me
Two full terms and a song of presidential mediocrity
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Well way down in Texas, hanging at his ranch
Job approval’s in the toilet, Congress – Democrat
Civil liberties gone, he waved them all bye-bye
In his new biography, he says he likes to cry
He’s the Little George Bush (Little George Bush)
He’s the Little George Bush (Little George Bush)
Got in Afghanistan – and screwed up Iraq
This year he’ll take Iran – It’s just down the block
He doesn’t waste his time with diplomacy
He does it in the name of democracy
Posted on December 15, 2007
Day 1 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas
One the first day of our Beachwood Christmas, Tom Latourette gave to me . . . the dysfunctional family we’ve all come to know and love.
And thus we kick off The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas. Let’s all drink heavily to achieve a joyous season. Here’s hoping each and every one of you has a dysfunctional family Christmas.
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Well, it’s that time of year again. Christmas. Ahh, a time for you to spread yuletide cheer, gathering with those you love. Those who are near and dear to you.
Have a Dysfunctional Family Christmas, it’s a screwed up time of year
Don’t you know bout Uncle Joe, He just told us he was queer
Have a Dysfunctional Family Christmas, your mother-in-law’s a bitch
But you let it pass and kiss her ass, cause your father-in-law is rich
Posted on December 14, 2007
