Chicago -
By Stephanie B Goldberg
1. Rescinding a woman’s invitation to sit behind Obama during a unity speech after learning she is wearing hijab. (Just think if McCain did that!)
Committed By: An unnamed and possibly unemployed cog in the Obama machine
2. Covering the death of Tim Russert for seven straight days.
Committed By: Howard Kurtz, Wolf Blitzer and everyone else in the Washington press corps.
Posted on June 20, 2008
By The Special Guests Publicity Service
Custodial Department Another Line of Homeland Defense
Somewhere beyond anthrax, cyanide and the dirty bomb lies a more obscure threat to America. Just ask the victims of an industrial accident this past week at an otherwise innocuous chocolate factory in Chicago.
When a custodial worker unintentionally mixed one cleaning agent in with another, the resulting chemical reaction was a lethal fume that killed one and sent two others to the hospital.
Terrorism is not suspected in the incident, but the misfortune brings to light an intriguing topic that can impact any one or all of your listeners. According to John Walker, president of ManageMen, a cleaning industry education firm, many corporations overlook two very important dynamics in their custodial training programs: worker safety and physical security.
Posted on June 18, 2008
By Dan Simon
Living in Japan is a bit of an adjustment, especially for a baseball fan. When I moved here, I knew ahead of time that baseball was the unofficial official national sport. What I was unprepared for, however, was the intense loyalty of Japanese fandom to their star players.
If you have never been to Tokyo, a good way to picture it is to imagine being inside a giant pinball machine constantly playing the theme song from Super Mario Brothers 3. Trains, crowds, blinking lights, everyone chattering in a language you can’t understand; it’s a lot to absorb.
Knowing this, a friend mercifully took me out for dinner and drinks to ease the strain.
We went to a Japanese izakaya, which is a traditional Japanese drinking establishment marked by a red lantern next to the door. Although it was smoky and noisy, I felt relaxed.
We were unwinding over a plate of fried fish fins and tall Sapporos, when we were approached by a wobbly elderly gentleman.
The man, woozy from sake, pointed to my Cubby hat and said, “Cubs desu ne? (the Cubs eh?)”
Surprised, I replied in broken Japanese, “Hai, Cubs desu. Ichiban cremu desu (Yes, the Cubs. They are the number one team)” then, “Fukudome!”
Posted on June 16, 2008
By Stephanie B Goldberg
1. Reconciling with the ex-husband who beat you and exposed you to Hepatitis C: Pamela Anderson, noted Sunday School teacher and poker hustler.
2. Writing a memo urging impeachment proceedings against Gov. Rod Blagojevich while instructing recipients to lie about receiving the memo: Speaker of the House Michael Madigan.
Posted on June 14, 2008
By The Beachwood Bait Station Affairs Desk
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Newsandexperts.com
Glendora, CA – Drywood termite swarming season is about to begin and homeowners everywhere are preparing to open their wallets to protect their houses from structural damage.
“I have seen termite swarm eruptions in grocery store parking lots, the middle of a huge lawn and of course in nearly 18,000 homes,” says Michael Allen, owner of Century Termite Control and author of the new book Top Secrets of the Termite Industry; What Termite Companies Don’t Want You to Know, That You Should Know.
The cost of tenting an American home to get rid of termites ranges from $1,300 to over $3,000 depending on the size of the home and the pest control company you choose. Allen says if homeowners know what signs to look for they shouldn’t have to pay a penny to professionals.
“These chemical companies are multi-million dollar machines. They push their products to pest control companies which are supposed to push it to homeowners. The price keeps going up and there is just no reason for it. Termite companies aren’t helping homeowners do anything they can’t do by themselves.”
On his website, www.centurytermitesolutions.com, Allen has a list of the top 10 things you need to know about protecting your home from termites. Here are four of them:
Posted on June 13, 2008
By The Beachwood Loves To Fly And It Shows Affairs Desk
United Airlines recently failed in its third merger attempt this year. Our consultants at Beachwood Labs have determined that the airlines business is so screwed-up that the last thing any airline should do is double-down on a losing hand. Instead, United should think more creatively. Our computers spit out the following merger partners the airline should explore.
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ESPN: Pilots shout “boo-yeah!” after sticking landings; witty banter includes gems like “Call 911! Our left engine is el fuego!”
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Wal-Mart: Part-time greeters without health insurance replace flight attendants.
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The Obama campaign: I mean, duh.
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Oprah: Wider seats, better food, departing gifts.
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The Cook County Democratic Party: Planes would never leave the gate but the payroll would grow exponentially. And the new jobs would be really easy; you wouldn’t even have to show up.
Posted on June 11, 2008
By J.J. Tindall
BLACK DOG IN LITTLE HELL
PLEASE God
NOT TODAY: I have to
work! My self-esteem
went to bed in Lincoln Park
and awoke in
Goose Island, Old
Little Hell.
Black Dog
Posted on June 10, 2008
By Jerry Pritikin
I witnessed a police raid at Belmont Rocks consisting of nine police cars and three 3-wheelers to arrest a blond sun-tanned young man dressed in a bikini and armed with a basket of home-made sandwiches for not having a city license to sell on public property. They hauled him off to jail. I was visiting from San Francisco and had forgotten how uncivil Chicago cops could be. I snapped these pictures.
Posted on June 9, 2008
By Jerry Pritikin
While many people know me as the Bleacher Preacher, very few are aware of my years that I was a “Chicagoan living in Exile” in S.F from the early 1960s until the late 1980s. In 1953, I quit high school because being or knowing someone “queer” in Chicago was taboo! I spent several years selling appliances at Marshall Field’s. When I applied for that job I was told that I had three strikes against me to start: I had quit school, I had no experience, and I was Jewish! They hired me on a straight commission in 1955, and after the third week I was making $200 to $400 a week selling fans during a heat-wave because most apartments and homes had no air conditioners.
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I arrived in San Francisco at the tail end of the beatnik era. I bought a cheap Kodak instamatic camera to send tourist-like images of the bridges, cable cars and wharfs back to friends and family. Soon, though, photographs of leftover beatniks, soon-to-be hippies, flower children and peace-mongers became my favorite photographic pastimes. I was able to see the Grateful Dead play in an upstairs, downtown gay bar with no cover charge and 25-cent beers in a bottle. To start the 1970s, I moved between the Haight-Ashbury and a lazy neighborhood called The Castro and rented a 2-bedroom house with a front and back yard on Alpine Terrace for $250 a month. I learned from a recent Google search that a 2-bedroom apartment on the same street now goes for $3,800 a month.
Posted on June 6, 2008
By J.J. Tindall
I KNOW I AM ABOUT TO BE LOOKING GOOD
People: dig
me.
Farmer’s Tan
approaching August
Apex, I’m thinking late
next week.
I fucked up
a self-haircut
Posted on June 5, 2008
