Chicago -
By J.J. Tindall
This was written on August 25, 2007, but never posted. The opportunity has arisen this week to correct that oversight.
ODE TO AMY JACOBSON
I was so
psyched
that you
were on that
story.
I could tell,
like me,
you could smell
it on
the Prick.
Posted on July 10, 2008
By J.J. Tindall
TRUMP’S NEW ERECTION
Blue. Perfect!
Large blue base,
tapering to a phallic
point, “can it be
taller than the
BIGGEST, the SEARS
Tower? Please, fellas?”
I get it: Skyscrapers,
like a Saturn Five
Rocket,
all look
like a huge prick.
Posted on July 9, 2008
By Dan Simon
Although the distance between Soldier Field and the Tokyo Dome is almost 8,000 miles, and residents here prefer sashimi and yakitori to Vienna beef and Chicago-style pizza, there is a familiar theme that connects the two metropolitan areas: corruption. Beachwood readers are familiar with the monopoly the Daley family has had on Chicago politics – and political scandals – over the past 60 years. In Tokyo, city scandals are also rampant, but the nature of the Tokyo scandal is slightly different. Call it the Tokyo Way.
Posted on July 8, 2008
By J.J. Tindall
REGULATED MILITIA WELL
after William Carlos Williams
A well regulated Militia,
being necessary
to the security of a free State,
the right of the people
to keep and bear Arms,
shall not be infringed.
A WELL REGULATED MILITIA BEING NECESSARY
WELL REGULATED MILITIA WELL REGULATED
MILITIA
being necessary
Posted on July 7, 2008
By Stephanie B Goldberg
1. Christopher Hitchens has been called many things – turncoat, neocon, the world’s 27th most important public intellectual – but none dare call him a pussy. Recently, Hitchens endured close to two minutes of waterboarding so that he could dispel any lingering doubts in the minds of Vanity Fair readers that the so-called interrogation technique is, indeed, torture.
2. War, huh, what is it good for? Well, if you’re Beirut entrepreneur Ali Hamoud, it provides you with a bold and completely tasteless premise for a theme restaurant called Buns and Guns.
3. So thorough is her humiliation that not even I can pile on Christie Brinkley this week. So I’ll do the next best thing and pile on The Today Show, which ran a 14-minute segment about the celebrity divorce while managing to decry “the hype and media frenzy.”
Posted on July 4, 2008
By The Special Guests Publicity Service
Eminent Internet Domain
New York – ICANN approved a recommendation that could see many new names introduced to the Internet’s addressing system. Robert Peters, president of Morality in Media is available to discuss.
Presently, users have a range of 21 top-level domains to choose from (e.g., .com and .org). According to a news report, when Dr Paul Twomey, President of Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN), was asked about the .XXX domain name that ICANN rejected in March 2007, he stated that the new system would be “open to anyone.”
According to a statement published on the www.icann.org website, “offensive names will be subject to an objection-based process based on public morality and order . . . ICANN will not be the decision maker on these objections.”
“If a .XXX domain is destined to come into existence, perhaps it is better that it be just one of countless new domains, than one of the very few officially authorized by ICANN.
Posted on July 2, 2008
By The Special Guests Publicity Service
Commodity Prices Changing Life As We Know It
Start with ethanol. Developed to make our cars more fuel-efficient, our foreign oil dependence more remote, and our farmers more money, this theoretical savior as of just two years ago is now being blamed for putting a greater pinch on the consumer wallet by thinning corn reserves.
In a time when even a technological advancement like E85 can go from beneficial to questionable to ironic, it seems like every move we make is a no-win situation. The solution, says Steve Shenk, director of eFoods Direct, is to take matters into our own hands.
An expert in the food business for 27 years, Shenk offers your listeners a unique perspective on how to look ahead by looking back, with a return to the self-reliance practices of generations past.
“While some might make cynical jokes about a horse-and-buggy society in response to our negative economic trend,” says Shenk, “there is some merit in examining that lifestyle, just from the standpoint that we can all benefit by relying less on the government and doing more to prepare ourselves for tougher times ahead.”
Posted on June 30, 2008
By Stephanie B Goldberg
1. Actually, I don’t much mind the idea of a bistro specializing in canine cuisine. Picture Lady and the Tramp sharing a strand of spaghetti to the strains of “Bella Notte,” the dogs’ owners pressing their wet little noses against the window, the waiter proffering a gnarled suede bedroom slipper as an amuse bouche. Nope, what bugs me is naming the joint Doggie Style.
2. How do you find Barack Obama in a crowded room? Hint: He’s the one standing in front of the blue pseudo-presidential seal. Or at least he was for all of one day when said seal was deep-sixed due to embarrassing reviews. Now Illinois’ favorite front-runner will have to look presidential without any aid from the prop department. Fortunately, that’s not very hard, considering how much Bush has done to lower the bar.
3. My phallic skyscraper is better than yours! It was just a matter of time until Chicago’s screw-shaped Spire was one-upped by an architect with an even bigger Edifice Complex than Santiago Calatrava. Italian architect David Fisher recently unveiled plans for a tower that’s in perpetual motion. The good news is that it affords a 360-degree view. The bad news is it will cost you up to $100,000 per degree.
Posted on June 27, 2008
By The Special Guests Publicity Service
Planned Parenthood plans on going Upscale
Like any business, Planned Parenthood is trying to respond to the market. People in more affluent communities struggle with unwanted pregnancies as much as anyone. But according to critics of the non-profit’s new chain of more upscale, urban health centers across the country, the organization’s “market response” is just that – marketing – and not in line with its benevolent mission statement.
Posted on June 26, 2008
By Dan Simon
Over the past few weeks, I have become more and more interested in Japanese baseball. Partly, my interest stems from an inability to watch the Cubs play live. The other part of me needs to have some baseball to pass the summer months.
And let’s face it, at some point it’s about sitting around drinking beer and watching the grass grow for three hours on a hot day. However, it is important that this is done in the appropriate environment.
Lucky for me, there is a bounty of baseball on the Japanese islands. In the Tokyo area there are three teams, the Yakult Swallows, the Yomiuri Giants, and the Yokohama Baystars. So I was faced with a choice . . .but which one to pick?
I knew that I wanted a team that was like the Cubs, but not so much like them that they were a poor man’s version. They had to be like the Cubs I grew up with, the teams that I grew to love. I needed a few good players, one Ryne Sandberg for say every 25 Tyler Houstons. And they had to stink. How else could I grow to love them? After all, half the fun of watching the old Cubs was debating which inning they would begin their customary meltdown.
Posted on June 24, 2008
