By Stephanie B  Goldberg

1. It may be hard to take Al Franken’s Senate campaign seriously, but it’s even harder to imagine what might have possessed incumbent Norm Coleman to release an attack ad that seems to attack the blue-collar voters who are not Franken’s natural constituency. Or maybe Franken just pulled off a masterful satire.
2. Ottawa resident Frances Woodward is appealing a decision by her local transit authority that prevents her from bringing Gyno, her pet albino ferret, along on bus rides. Woodward, an agoraphobic, claims that petting the animal calms her down. We think she’d fit right in on the No. 22 bus.

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Posted on July 25, 2008

By J.J. Tindall

BARSHOMBA AND THE GREEN BUNNY
“Yeah, man,” Mr. DeFourneaux began,
“Me and Barshomba had
the One Love Peace
Band.
You heard of the Chitlin’
Circuit? South Side, you know,
Bonanza, Peppers,
Rock, Castle Rock,
Checkmate, the Green Bunny?
77th and Halsted in the
early ’70s. South Side,
you know: Sam Cooke,
Herbie Hancock, Ramsay
Lewis, Minnie Riperton.
Barshomba had dreads
down to his ass, you know.
You heard of

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Posted on July 24, 2008

By The Beachwood Droll Affairs Desk

Droll.
1. “Thomas Frank is a brainy, droll Kansas native who has his doubts about capitalism and conservative populism, and can infuriate both Democrats and Republicans.
– July 21, 2008
2. “But Flanagan’s review of Walters’ new memoir, Audition, is a superb, droll essay on a person ridiculed by the press elite who has ‘elicited more irreducible statements of self from more notable people than have all the giants of New Journalism.'”
– May 12, 2008
3. “July Esquire is excellent with a novella from Stephen King; a valiant Tom Junod attempt to offer a few insights on Angelina Jolie we’ve not read before; and a droll shot at competitor Vanity Fair with a page of mock covers of “Other Magazines Bono is Guest Editing This Month,” including Disney Adventures, Us Weekly, Cosmopolitan and Delta’s in-flight Sky (replete with “The Ten Most Egregious Sweatshops in Vietnam.”
– June 18, 2007

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Posted on July 22, 2008

By J.J. Tindall

BEACHWOOD HAMLET
What a rogue and peasant slave am I!
Too-literate malcontent, recorder of deeds:
The laws’ delay, the insolence of office.
Yep: sorrows come in battalions, fellas.
Platoons of knave clowns, festooned with
Uncles, o’erwatched my Chinamen. Who now

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Posted on July 21, 2008

By Stephanie B  Goldberg

1. Thank heavens for Lee Abrams, the Tribune Company’s Innovation-meister, whose incoherent, capriciously punctuated memos are a veritable treasure trove of dumb ideas. The one from July 14 does not disappoint: Hey, fellas, let’s rethink the editorial page – assuming we need one – because it’s so, well, opinionated. And concert reviews are so ovah – we should be helping our readers decide whether to purchase tix – in case they’ve never heard of, say, Madonna or the Rolling Stones.
2. Did you hear about the British woman who wore her bra for four hours before realizing it had a bat inside it? She thought that fluttery feeling was her mobile phone vibrating. Not to be outdone, the Today Show’s Kathy Lee Gifford was positively gleeful about the Wine Rack, a bra that conceals a plastic pouch and straw for sipping brewskis, (and, presumably, comes with a paper bag to slip over your head.)

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Posted on July 18, 2008

By The Beachwood Stays In Vegas Affairs Desk

The following press release announcing the new “green” community, The Enchanted Way, may be of interest to your audience. Any editorial comment or mention that you may give this press release would be greatly appreciated.
– – –
OWN A ‘GREEN’ PIECE OF LAS VEGAS
LAS VEGAS, NV – June 10, 2008 – The Enchantment Way Development will be a unique and fascinating gated community of luxury homes. The plan outlined reflects the creation of eight luxury homes on five (5) acres in the highly sought and quickly developing Southwest valley of Las Vegas, each designed with the most forward-thinking and innovative “green” building techniques of today and tomorrow. With views of the Las Vegas Strip, Red Rock, Southern Highlands, and the entire east valley; these estate homes, each on 1/2 acre, will fill a void not filled by any other development in the Las Vegas valley. The Enchantment Way will be the most unique offering in the history of the Las Vegas valley, available as a ground-breaking fractional ownership development.

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Posted on July 17, 2008

By The Special Guests Publicity Service

Estate Lady Offers Real Answers in Such a Trying Time
It’s one of life’s most overwhelming challenges – tthe death and infirmity of one’s parents. Grueling as it is, adult children everywhere are faced daily with the unexpected daunting task of dividing their parents’ estate contents, clearing out the family home and tying up the loose ends of countless other tasks. And worse yet, all this often leaves them unprepared for the inevitable family fights over “stuff.”
The Estate Lady®, Julie Hall, is available to provide solutions right now, at a time when the nation’s largest generation – the baby boomer gen – is coming into this age of sudden caretaker.
Julie is an expert in personal property, specializing in the dissolution of estates, who works closely with the Boomers and their parents, making sure everyone is on the same page at the same time, minimizing strife and hasty decisions when in the midst of a crisis.

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Posted on July 16, 2008

By The Special Guests Publicity Service

Expense of Divorce Creating a Stay of Execution
When they said, “for poorer,” it really meant something.
In a twist of irony – considering money issues can often drive a wedge in a relationship – today’s shaky economy is stabilizing marriages. For example, in South Florida’s Miami-Dade County, where real estate values have dropped 20 percent, almost congruently, divorce filings from January to May of 2008 are down 18 percent from the same period in ’07.

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Posted on July 15, 2008

Date Taken: 7/11/08
From: Wicker Park
To: Roscoe Village
The Cab: 100% cell phone- and burglar shield-free. Seating is upholstered in plush as opposed to the usual faux-vinyl. Rear-view mirror is adorned with a small stuffed tiger, adding a somewhat quizzical sense of whimsy to an otherwise straightforward conveyance. Radio seems to be locked in retro mode, with such slightly-mildewed hits such as Madonna’s “Like a Prayer (extended dance remix),” Eddy Grant’s “Electric Avenue” and Ace of Base’s “All That She Wants” on offer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s all fun and games until one of those fuckers gets wedged in your head.

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Posted on July 14, 2008

By Stephanie B  Goldberg

1. Giving indie director Eric Schaeffer his own reality show is like asking Gary Busey to host the Oscars – it’s an invitation to a disaster of epic proportions. Schaeffer’s program, “I Can’t Believe I’m Still Single,” Sundays on Showtime, is an extension of his blog and book of the same name. Each week Schaeffer travels from city to city trying to meet the woman of his dreams while providing a running commentary on his chocolate cake binges, sexual fetishes, frequent colonics and sincere desire to be a parent when he turns 50.
2. Today we’re taking out our Oprah Winfrey gratitude journal and expressing thanks that we’ve never had occasion to down a Luther Burger, supposedly a favorite of the late Luther Vandross – a pound of ground beef with five strips of bacon, onion and cheese packed inside two Krispy Kreme glazed donuts.

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Posted on July 11, 2008