By Dan Simon

The release of The Dark Knight in Japan has me thinking about superheroes. Every culture has them, whether they come from ancient Vedic texts or faded dusty scrolls. Heroes are often social commentaries about life, society and morality.
After walking out of the Piccadilly Cinema in Shinjuku with the events of a Chicago-tinged Gotham City fresh in my memory, I started thinking about Japanese superheroes. There are too many to mention, but the most famous in the States are the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Pokemon and Ultraman. Take into account hundreds of Japanese anime movies (Akira, Ghost in the Machine, etc.) and many more thousands of manga anime comic books, and there are quite a few to choose from here.
In this installment of BiJ, however, I shall refrain from delving into the Japanese superhero and instead discuss a different, and much more mundane ‘hero’ that is truly unique to this country.
Who is this (not so) masked man?
It’s Charisma Man.

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Posted on August 14, 2008

By The Beachwood Spectacle Affairs Desk

The Beachwood staff was so impressed with the opening ceremonies in Beijing on Friday that we got to thinking what the opening ceremonies would be like in Chicago in 2016.
* The mayor’s patronage army performs an intricately synchronized dance mimicking the exchange of cash and the occasional federal sacrifice who “stands up” and keeps his mouth shut. In its final arrangement, the army executes a giant eye-wink.
* Red-light cameras and blue-light cameras loaned to ceremonies along with illegal Indiana fireworks and the police department’s new M-4s in a tribute to the security state. Ends with the city blowing up Bensenville.
* At the conclusion of the ceremonies, everyone is instructed to look under their seat to discover they’ve been gifted a pair of Oprah Winfrey’s favorite cozy flannel pajamas.

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Posted on August 12, 2008

By J.J. Tindall

THE GREAT BLACK DIAMOND
At the center
Of the universe, at the center
Of the skyline,
Feminine handiwork.
At the center
Of two long, thick, metallic American thighs,
The Diamond.
At the center
Of miles of thrusting
Phalli, the center
Of the visible universe,
Amidst preening, reaching, grasping, often FAILING

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Posted on August 11, 2008

By Stephanie B  Goldberg

1. Attention, Chicago police officers: Starbucks has not gotten the memo that you’re entitled to a lifetime supply of free coffee and donuts – actually, scones if we’re talking about Starbucks. Flashing your badge, waving your gun and just generally acting like an ass in hopes of a free lunch will only garner a 15-month suspension, as Officer Barbara Nevers is about to find out. (Hint: next time, try 7/11, Babs.)
2. Oh to be young and stupid again like those 26 Texas cheerleaders who thought it would be fun to stuff an elevator that was designed to accommodate 15 people. Much hilarity ensued but then the teens got stuck inside and called both firefighters and the police to rescue them. Sometimes life is just like a really bad Tommy Lee Jones movie.

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Posted on August 9, 2008

By The Beachwood Meetup Affairs Desk

The newest meetups in your area. For reals.
* Anarchist, Mises Greater Chicagoland Meetup Group
* Chicago Mah Jong Meetup Group
* WWE Meetup Group
* The Heart of Success – Networking Circles for Women
* Karaoke at Halftime in Romeoville

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Posted on August 6, 2008

By J.J. Tindall

WISH YOU WERE BEER
So: you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell?
Swell!
Do tell.
Your husband
Wants me to help him
Go out and
Get
Laid.
“What a wonderful world!”
Men cave, and then
Cheat.
Men cave men

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Posted on August 5, 2008

By The Special Guests Publicity Service

Persecution Potshot!
Attention Christians: Get your faith ready for an ongoing litigious form of harassment as a result of a new precedent set earlier this month in a U.S. District Court. There, a gay activist has filed a multimillion-dollar lawsuit against two Christian publishers for a Corinthians passage that denounces homosexuality. And experts in the Christian camp say it’s likely a sign of things to come.
The man, Bradley LaShawn Fowler of Canton, Michigan, is seeking $10 million from one publisher and $60 million from the other, claiming that the Bible’s reference to homosexuality as a sin “made him an outcast from his family and contributed to physical discomfort and periods of ‘demoralization, chaos and bewilderment’.”

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Posted on August 4, 2008

By Stephanie B  Goldberg

1. Sharon Stone has been threatened with a $1 billion lawsuit by an enterprising lawyer who, amazingly enough, doesn’t represent the audiences who lost four hours of their lives sitting through Catwoman and Basic Instinct II. According to the New York Post, attorney Ming Hai is acting on behalf of 1,000 Chinese earthquake victims who were offended by Stone’s remark at the Cannes Film Festival that the earthquake that killed 55,000 people was karmic retribution for human rights violations.
2. What’s it like to apply mascara during an earthquake? Possibly something like the effect supplied by Lancome’s vibrating PowerMascara, a bargain at $35. In a stroke of marketing genius, the limited edition was available for one day only and sold out by 6 a.m., because there just aren’t enough sharp moving objects women can put near their eyes.

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Posted on August 1, 2008

By Dan Simon

The only experience I have had with Chicago’s Olympics frenzy has been via online communications from friends and my perusing of the Tribune, Sun-Times and Daily Herald via the Web. I know the hype is swirling in Chi-town and that the community seems to overwhelmingly support the idea of a Chicago Olympics. Additionally, according to some people I know in Chicago who work in the news, the media there also has wholeheartedly latched onto the Olympic bandwagon.
Since Tokyo is also a finalist for the 2016 Games, I thought I’d ask around town and see how people here felt about the contest and what their thoughts were on being in competition with Chicago.
But before I delve into that, the advantages of Tokyo as an Olympic city are worth mentioning. From personal experience, I have to say (no disrespect intended to the City of Big Shoulders) that Tokyo would make an excellent Olympic site. It is virtually crime-free, clean, organized and efficient. It also boasts what is arguably the world’s best public transportation system. Further, Tokyo is truly an international town, the capital of Japan and large enough to host the games. Some contend that a Tokyo-hosted Olympics would signify Japan’s complete rehabilitation from the destruction and poverty wrought by World War II.

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Posted on July 30, 2008

By The Beachwood Newspapers Are Dying Affairs Desk

Of course, this is all much too late. Sam Zell has to meet his debt obligations, just like many of us warned when at least some Tribune Company journalists were getting all giddy about the new slogans and Bob Dylan quotes being bandied about. As if. And many of these journalists protesting the cuts at Tribune Company are responsible for the mess in their own way because of their recalcitrant stance toward change. Instead of being the changemakers themselves, they have ceded that power to the clowns in the Tower. Still, it’s interesting to note that in Chicago there is nothing but silence. Here’s the way things look elsewhere in the Tribune empire:
Hartford

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Posted on July 28, 2008