Chicago -
By J.J. Tindall
I WANNA PAINT REALLY COOL MURALS, MAN
I wanna be a muralist, man.
I wanna paint really cool murals.
Elephants and sausages and very pretty
ladies, and, well, I’m a little off
rainbows these days but
I’ll keep an open mind about it.
A lot of murals already have rainbows.
Huge oranges, fat black cats.
Posted on December 27, 2010
By David Rutter
1. The Mayoral Race, WTF?
One is “out,” which, for those of us who love small-caliber loose cannons firing in all directions, is sort of a shame. Can’t run for office with one foot tucked inside your mouth.
One is provisionally “in.” Let the grand coronation begin. The Don Quixote Brigade will keep flinging legal challenges at the windmill, which will keep them occupied until the Blago trial arrives in time to divert our attention.
Posted on December 24, 2010
By Jerome Haller
Around 5:20 on a recent morning, a woman walked into the store and said she needed help. She wore a pair of blue corduroy slacks. She had nothing on her feet or above her waist. In short, she was topless.
The lack of clothing surprised me. The temperature had dropped to 10 degrees.
I reached for the phone. First, I paged the Cool Assistant Manager. Afterward, I called the police. While I described the situation, the woman lunged at me, beat my arms and chest and yelled. I pushed her back with my right forearm. She sat on the floor. The police arrived and escorted her out of the store. An ambulance took her to a hospital.
Coworkers cracked jokes about the incident for weeks.
Posted on December 23, 2010
By David Rutter
1. Rahm’s Residency Hearing, WTF?
And you thought the mayoral residency challenge against him was by grownups in control of their minds and bodily functions? Wrong-o-reeno, Beavis.
In the group currently arrayed against the former White House chief of staff, there appear to be three total mouthbreathers, several more blithering idiots and at least six who have undergone some seriously intrusive psychosurgical procedures. And those are the LAWYERS!
Posted on December 17, 2010
By Jerome Haller
On a recent Sunday morning, I stood near the front of the store along with the Lazy Cashier and Pitbull. Pitbull cracked jokes about yet another bad date.
“She got the most expensive steak on the menu,” he cried. “I did not even get a kiss goodnight.”
The Lazy Cashier did not say anything. I laughed.
Pitbull kept riffing. I kept laughing. Then I felt myself getting light in the head. My knees buckled. I passed out and fell backward. The back of my head hit the carpet. My glasses fell backward.
Posted on December 16, 2010
By Scott Buckner
Sometime between my 20th and 30th birthdays, my mother got it into her head that Christmas wouldn’t be complete without giving me one gift that I have absolutely no use for. Lately, she’s taken to gifting me with a huge bucket of three-flavored popcorn. This might be fine for others, but my yearly consumption of popcorn wouldn’t keep a refugee alive past breakfast.
My sisters do not get such tokens of affection, so I’m not sure whether this is my mother’s statement on the sibling pecking order or that she genuinely can’t figure out what to do with the remaining ten bucks she budgets for my gift-buying. So every year my big-ass tin of popcorn sits forlornly in the corner of my apartment, the modern-day equivalent of the Texas Fruitcake my great-aunt would give my parents every Christmas throughout the 60s and 70s.
The way I see it, if you’re going to give someone something goofy, at least make it something that’s goofy and inherently useful. That’s one of the foremost reasons why, when it comes to my own kids, I make it a point to break this cycle of madness by giving them something full of dumb fun and love that they’ll actually appreciate – which is the spirit behind the Beachwood’s 2010 Holiday Gift Guide.
Posted on December 15, 2010
By The Beachwood Market Economy Affairs Desk
1. From Kurman Communications:
Chicago French Market Celebrates 1st Anniversary Dec. 17-18. Guests enjoy market-wide tastings, gift certificates, music and more at Chicago’s first indoor, year-round market.
CHICAGO – Join Chicago French Market for its ‘Bon Anniversaire,’ a two-day celebration honoring Chicago’s first and only year-round, indoor market beginning at 10 a.m. Friday, Dec. 17 and Saturday, Dec. 18.
Guests attending the celebration will enjoy free tastings throughout the market, as well as live music, entertainment and the chance to win gift certificates and prizes. Beginning at 10 a.m. each day, 1,000 guests receive a complimentary reusable tote bag, perfect for purchases made at one of the market’s nearly 30 artisan vendors. Doors open at 7:30 a.m. Friday, and 8:30 a.m. Saturday.
In addition to the complimentary market-wide tastings, Chicago French Market vendors will distribute ‘scratch off cards’ to customers for the chance to win gift certificates to the market valued at $1 to $20 to use at the market. There is no purchase necessary to receive a scratch off card. Quantities are limited to one per person.
Posted on December 13, 2010
By David Rutter
1. Ronnie, WTF?
WTF’s mercenary staff – several Hessians and two Carthaginians – admits to never possessing the emotional bond to Ron Santo that friends and neighbors did. Guess you had to grow up here to catch Santo Fever. But, Holy Crap, Batman! This summer will not be the same and that will be because he is gone.
Santo’s honest pain as a fan gave the current Cubs meaning, however slight and ill-conceived. Without Santo bleating out his angst watching a terrible team be terrible, what real reason can there be to pay any attention?
Via con dios, Ron.
Posted on December 10, 2010
By The Beachwood Evolutionist Conspiracy Desk
Biomedical engineering professor Phillip Messersmith fails to duplicate God’s creation.
Posted on December 9, 2010
