By J.J. Tindall

Metamorphosis
Oh mother, my mouth is full of cars.
The green monk parakeet you bred and cherished
escaped the soft, slow cage in the cornfield
for the cold, gold glow
of the city.
From the feed corn to the crucible:
cat fights, pitbulls, loan sharks, stool pigeons,
barkers, batterers, park bench bivouacs,
city girls, hollow men, knife-sharp tippy-toes,
shrieking ambulances for which none give way,
elevated trains like incessant detonations,
alleys of mattresses and spent Glock cartridges,
barrooms of piss-ants, punch ups and puke . . .

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Posted on July 8, 2011

By David Rutter

1. Emanuel’s budget axe, WTF?
Rahm Emanuel took an axe and gave his unions 40 whacks. And when he saw what he had done, he gave Mayor Daley 41.
How bad was Daley’s attention to the financial health of the city? Picture the captain of the Titanic. Pretty ship; sank like a rock because of lousy rivets. How bad was Daley as a money manager? Bad enough to make Emanuel look like Disraeli.
And as much as critics (we among them) are skittish about the new mayor’s cred on many issues, there is no sign he’s playing games other than hardball on the fiscal foolery of the last two decades.

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Posted on July 8, 2011

By The Beachwood PR Inbox Affairs Desk

How does a food-lover and chef maintain a beautiful, white smile? We would like to offer you an interview with one of Chicago’s top chefs, Homaro Cantu, about how he keeps his smile healthy and bright.

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Posted on July 3, 2011

By David Rutter

1. Blago pundits, WTF?
Based on our powers of addition, the lame “it sent a message” cliche was the most used by local politicos after the Blago verdict. We counted it 17 times in print. Also the “message” was often underlined, which happens on a computer screen when your finger accidentally hits the “U” button.
That phrase was followed by “It was a sad day,” “We feel sorry for the family,” and “No one is above the law” – and then some variation of “Now we all can move on.” As if we hadn’t.
If nothing else, the case proved at least in this one instance that a jury of normal citizens is way smarter in so many meaningful ways than all the local TV troglodytes making six figure salaries. The trogs told us how profoundly inscrutable the case was. A jury understood criminal conspiracy just fine, even if local media didn’t. A jury understood George Ryan, too.

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Posted on July 1, 2011

By Wrigley Beer Man

People often ask me what the worst part about my job as a Wrigley Field beer vendor is. (“You mean, other than watching maddeningly mediocre baseball year in and year out?” I always want to ask.) For me, this is an easy one. It’s not lugging my product up and down the aisles like some 21st-century pack mule. It’s not even the drunk and sometimes staggeringly rude fans. Without question, it’s the hour-and-a-half I’m forced to spend before each game mindlessly waiting for the day’s assignment with my fellow grizzled and unwashed vendors.
Back in the “good old days” – I put this in quotation marks because the Old Guard is always pining for times gone by, when vendors allegedly made heaps of money without interference from The Man – we used to congregate before games on Waveland Avenue, near the day-of-game ticket windows across from the firehouse. But a few years back, the Cubs moved the vendors’ staging area to a gated, concrete slab around the corner on Clark Street, affectionately known as “The Cage.”
And that is where my fellow beer dudes and I spend a cramped and noisy couple of hours before each Cubs home game, waiting restlessly for our vending assignments and for fans to flood into the Friendly Confines. Since most vendors don’t have the time or inclination to chat during games, it’s here – in The Cage before games that we do most of our socializing.

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Posted on June 30, 2011

By Tim Willette and Steve Rhodes

Not only is Sears threatening to leave Chicago, it’s threatening to leave the planet. Business Insider pegs Sears as one of its 10 brands that will disappear in 2012. We think that would be a shame.
Here, then, are 20 ways to save Sears.
1. Widen aisles to accommodate flash mobs.
2. Introduce Craftswymyn brand to target lesbian carpenter demographic.
3. Lift longstanding ban on Sam Sianis’ goat.
4. Resist impulse to merge with Montgomery Ward.
5. Add slots and video poker to the consumer electronics section.

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Posted on June 27, 2011

By David Rutter

1. Wieners and wieners, WTF?
Here’s another difference between Chicago and New York: In Chicago we put them on buns, add mustard and then litigate. In New York, they also elect them.
2. Roger Ebert’s tweet, WTF?
If you are famous for an entertainment franchise built on spiraling daredevil indifference to common sense and then die drunk-driving your Porsche at 140 mph, can you still lay claim to posthumous sensitivity?

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Posted on June 24, 2011

Enjoying Chicago Beachwood-Style

Making the best of it.
* Law & Disorder. The Blago trial will apparently run all summer. You may not get a seat in the courtroom, but hang out in the cafeteria and try to influence lunching jurors.
* Rough Justice. Better than Law & Order. Pick a murder trial; better – blog it.
* Gang Wars. Take a lawn chair to K Town and watch the action, just like the elite did during the Civil War. Make sure you wear the right colors for the side of the street you choose.
* Grant Park Softball Leagues. See those “fundamentals” that you always hear about but can’t see at Wrigley or The Cell.
* Play Flash Mob. Terrorize tourists on North Michigan Avenue by pretending to be a flash mob. Watch their relief when they realize your gun is a lighter.

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Posted on June 23, 2011

By J.J. Tindall

Buzz
Like steel tadpoles
held aloft by buzzsaws,
two choppers converge
south of Union Station.
Buzzsaws drone, the wind
batoning crescendo
and diminuendo.
Like burnished buzzards
circling a ravaged gazelle,
drones of the kinetic gazette
hover, and arrest the gaze.

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Posted on June 21, 2011

By Mercedes-Benz TV

Bart Hickey lives in Alsip, a suburb of Chicago. Like many other people there, he’s a car mechanic. But one thing makes him very different from the rest – he’s been blind since birth.

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Posted on June 20, 2011