By Drew Adamek
Arne Duncan’s Clout List got me thinking: Is there a list that I wouldn’t be dumb enough or brave enough to write? The answer is maybe not, but I decided to make a list to find out.
Some lists that I can’t write are obvious; unfortunately for the juvenile part of my brain, the Beachwood has editorial standards. There’s no letting loose with the truly offensive and dumbass lists that rattle around my brain. You’ll never get a bathroom-related list out of me; there won’t be any overtly sexual lists either. And since I am fat, Hispanic and emotionally challenged with a mixed-race family tree, racism, fat-ism, mental health-ism and sexism are out too.
And good thing too; I am happily married, have a professional facade to maintain and, besides, most of the dumb shit I come up with isn’t worth the time it takes to think up. It’s basic and offensive, and I am embarrassed that it takes up space in my enormous head.
But just because I can’t publish these infantile lists, it doesn’t mean that they don’t exist.
Here, then, are the lists that I can never write:
1. Why Lesbians Love PT Cruisers.
I live next door to Smith College; I would need to enter protective custody to get out of town if I revealed the secrets of the Lesbian Code. In fact, my lesbian best friend just told me I’ve already said too much and she’s sending her girls over.
2. People I’ve Done Illegal Favors For.
Really, who’s so stupid to create evidence against themselves? I’ve done some really dumb, reckless, asinine, backwards shit in my life, but I would never, ever write it down. (Seriously, this can go on all day.)
3. The Strangest Things I’ve Covered in Giardiniera.
My mom reads these so this one is out. And I don’t want to see that list and risk reigniting the burning sensation.
4. Places I’ve Peed – WTF?
The sad part is that some day, on a long flight, I will try to write this list.
5. Weiner Nicknames.
I started the list with “Captain Beefheart” but my wife took one look and suggested “Runt and Stumpy,” so I gave up. I don’t need the grief.
6. Girls That I Would . . .
My wife reads these; well, actually she doesn’t but, she knows people who do.
7. Emotional Scar Tissue I Am Too Scared To Confront.
I’ll stick with the smart-ass stuff and the dick jokes, and leave the emotional healing to the suckers.
8. Diseases I’ve Faked To Get Sympathy.
Somewhere, there is a kind-hearted woman who held a fundraiser for my Lympathic Filariasis who is really, really pissed at me.
9. T-Shirts I’ve Stolen From My Brother.
This list is impossible because I have never, ever, not once stolen one of his t-shirts, no matter how many have his name on them at my house.
10. Rock Concerts I Did Not Attend As a Teenager.
My parents didn’t let me go to a lot of concerts; as an epic underachiever, my grades kept me home while my buddies rocked out. So I did the next best thing: I lied about being there. As an adult, without any drugs in my system, it had to have been pretty obvious I wasn’t there and in hindsight it was a stupid thing to do. Problem is, I told those lies so often that now I can’t remember which shows I went to and which ones I didn’t.
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Comments welcome.
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Other Lists By Drew Adamek:
* Today’s Syllabus
* Shit My Dad Says
* Work Weirdos
* Things I Miss About Chicago
* 20 Albums I Wish I Had Never Bought
* Their Chicago
* Cities I’ve Slept In
* My Favorite 1980s Chicago Radio Memories
* Why Milwaukee Rules
* Why I’m Glad I Don’t Live In D.C. Anymore
* The Beer Goggle Recordings
* A List Of Reader Comments To Drew’s Lists
* Life’s Little Victories
* The Worst Jobs I’ve Ever Had
* Jobs For The Zombie Apocalypse
* Lemme Get A Bite Of That
Plus:
* Fan Note: Me & Metallica
Posted on March 26, 2010