By Drew Adamek
My brother and I are tight. Except for a weird hallucinogenic drug phase I went through in the 80s, we’ve always been best friends. We grew up in the same room – sharing a bunk bed in a 6-by-6 space, until I was a teenager.
Cramped circumstances like that dictate two choices: 1) become lifelong, inseparable pals or 2) become mortal enemies. We choose option 1.
As adults, getting together with my brother is an absolute teenage boy laugh riot; all dick jokes, goofy innuendos and junk food all the time. We bullshit constantly and never tire of hanging out.
But he absolutely cannot abide one thing that I do: I constantly and incessantly ask him for a bite of whatever he is eating. The most irritating, grating sentence in the world for my brother is, “Hey, lemme get a bite of that.”
I don’t know why I do it; maybe it’s a residual reaction to always sharing as kids, or perhaps it’s an instinctual alpha male domination thing (I am older by four years). He claims I am just too damn cheap to buy my own. Whatever it is that drives me to bogart my brother’s stuff, it drives my brother absolutely batty.
When I die, and he is standing over my grave, he will finally be able to say, “No motherfucker, you cannot have a bite.”
Here, then, are things I have asked my brother for a bite of:
1. His Dope Rhymes.
I have to admit, Dicky’s got ill moneymaking skills. He once saved the youth center from certain destruction as his rhyme-spitting, crime-fighting alter ego, MC Sticky Lips. And I am a hater. So I’ve asked for a little bite of his rhyme flavor. He won’t give me none.
2. His Fat Pills.
My brother is a fiend for Little Debbie snack cakes. He calls them his precious little fat cakes. He has never, ever eaten one in my presence without me hassling him for, “c’mon just a little bite, man.” I think he buys them three at a time because he knows that the Drew Attrition Rate is going to be at least a third. And I have never taken a bite of one of his fat cakes without make a face and saying, “Ew, that’s too sweet.”
3. His High Fashion Style.
Wait, forget this one; that mope dresses just like me: a chubby pizza delivery guy on his way to a date at the bowling alley on 10-cent wing night.
4. His Pens.
I have the truly disgusting habit of chewing pens, straws, pop tops; basically I’ll chew anything that won’t shatter my teeth. I once chewed so many pencils – lead pencils – in grade school that, at one point, I was only allowed to have use one pencil a day and if I ate it, then I got a zero for the work I couldn’t do without a pencil. The worst look I’ve ever seen on my brother’s face was the time he picked up a pen I had been chewing on and slobber leaked out all over his hand.
5. His Ear.
He’d already scored a stunning TKO upset over me seven months earlier. This fight was supposed to be my comeback, but when he hit me in my junk again, I don’t know what happened; the next thing I know, I’ve got a piece of his ear stuck in my teeth and a weird face tattoo.
6. His Crime Syndicate.
Whatever action he’s got, I want a piece of it.
7. His Hot Spaghetti On The Stove.
What I thought he was saying was, “Stop, stop it’ll be too funny if you eat that before me after I’ve been slaving away at it for an hour.” What he actually said was, “You are going to fuck your mouth up if you eat that.” He was right; I couldn’t taste anything for a week.
8. His Sweet Jump Roping Skills.
Shit, I can’t even say this one with a straight face. We’d both keel over from a coronary if either one of us biscuit-eating, Dom DeLuise twins so much as picked up a jump rope.
9. His Wedding Cake (at the reception).
His wife still hasn’t forgiven me for that one. I know, my piece was coming, but his looked so much better.
Richard Adamek contributed to this post.
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Comments welcome.
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Other Lists By Drew Adamek:
* Today’s Syllabus
* Shit My Dad Says
* Work Weirdos
* Things I Miss About Chicago
* 20 Albums I Wish I Had Never Bought
* Their Chicago
* Cities I’ve Slept In
* My Favorite 1980s Chicago Radio Memories
* Why Milwaukee Rules
* Why I’m Glad I Don’t Live In D.C. Anymore
* The Beer Goggle Recordings
* A List Of Reader Comments To Drew’s Lists
* Life’s Little Victories
* The Worst Jobs I’ve Ever Had
* Jobs For The Zombie Apocalypse
Plus:
* Fan Note: Me & Metallica
Posted on March 18, 2010