By Steve Rhodes and Natasha Julius
“There it is!” I yelled out with glee.
Or more like, “THERE IT IS!!!”
We had made a long journey and finally reached our destination, via the principled but aloof Stevenson Expressway with a short detour into Summit. Oops.
And then, rising above the hodgepodge of major artery signage, a beacon of life-affirming goodness. We had found the Kwik-E-Mart.
Not just any Kwik-E-Mart, but the only one in Chicago (at 6754 W. 63rd) converted for the month from a 7-11 as part of the promotion juggernaut behind the upcoming Simpsons movie. We should re-do the whole city this way. It’s not such a stretch.
When we arrived there was a line of folks about a dozen-strong, most with cameras. This, um, is kind of a news event, for anyone tuned into basic American culture. Ahem.
Anyway, no one was dressed up as Professor Frink or Groundskeeper Willie, sadly, but it was the afternoon. Maybe things rock more at night; I’m imagining a Rocky Horror kind of thing going on right there in the Bungalow Belt.
By the time we reached the head of the line, it had thickened and lengthened.
Retracta-Belts, with their E-Z Back Slo-Retract feature, kept things organized. As did the doorman doing security.
It was pretty awesome, though the biggest disappointment was pretty big: No Duff. No Krusty-O’s either, but that was because they’re selling so well they can’t keep them in stock; a new shipment wasn’t expected for a couple days. Wow, how ’bout that?
There was no Springfield Shopper in the newsrack, either, though the Sun-Times was represented, and that’s kind of the same thing.
We did have Squishees, old man Jasper stuck in the freezer, and Chief Wiggum eating a Sprinkalicious donut – which were in high supply. And let me tell you, they were sprinkalicious as advertised.
We couldn’t tell if some items were real or Simpsons.
Oh, who are we kidding, the Bomb burrito is all too real, my friends.
But when else do you get to buy a Bomb burrito with the assurance of the pledge now – and temporarily – posted behind the counter: “Every item guaranteed fresh or your money begrudgingly refunded.”
Many of the Simpsons specialty products are available at 7-11s across Chicago, but nowhere else do you get the real Kwik-E-Mart experience (the bill for the family in front of us at the register was $79.95; I wonder if anyone is attempting to shop at every Kwik-E-Mart in the nation this summer).
For example, where else does a cashier wearing an Apu nametag say “Thank you, come again”?
Turns out our Southwest Side Apu is Frenko Rahana – a diehard Simpsons fan. “I have two of everything,” he said, sweeping an arm out toward the novelties aisle. “I’m a huge fanatic. I have every DVD!”
Frenko opened the store just last December, after working for the company for nine years with his brother, who owns a couple stores. By the looks of it, he’s making a relative mint on this promotion.
I would have loved to see Nelson Muntz and his cronies hanging in the parking lot – even better if Beavis, Butt-head and Todd were there too. Todd’s cool.
Now, when does the Family Guy movie come out? I know a bar that could serve as The Drunken Clam.
– SR
*
Buzz or Bust: A Review of Buzz Cola
One of the central features of the Southwest Side Kwik-E-Mart is Buzz Cola. Stacks of cardboard flats holding individual cans are conspicuously displayed near the front window, where patrons eagerly grab basketfuls to enjoy. But what’s actually in those cans? Is it a repurposed generic cola or an entirely new concoction?
“It’s different,” the guy working the door declares.
What, different like Dr. Pepper different?
“No, man.” He shakes his head. “It’s much better than Dr. Pepper.”
He looks around for a moment or two, lost in concentration. “It’s like, you know liquor, right? You ever had, like, a Jagerbomb? It tastes that.”
A virgin Jagerbomb.
“Yeah. It’s kinda like an energy drink. But not like a Red Bull. It’s different.”
I have to admit, I found the prospect of a virgin Jagerbomb with Red Bullian overtones utterly fascinating. Terrifying, but fascinating. Here’s the thing: having sampled the product both warm and chilled I can tell you that reduced temperature is not Buzz Cola’s friend.
I enjoyed my first Buzz at convenience-store ambient temperature, on a hot day in a hot car. Under these circumstances, the Jaegermeister comparison is apt. The cola has some herbal notes to it, a vaguely medicinal flavor reminiscent of those homoepathic tinctures you used in college to treat your hay fever. And then you found out if you took too much you’d trip balls and maybe go blind for a couple of minutes. So take away the tripping and the recreational vision loss and you’ve pretty much nailed warm Buzz.
When Buzz is cold, however, all of these complex taste variations somehow collapse. I’ll admit I don’t drink cola very often, so perhaps my palate is a bit dulled. Still, it seems to me that chilled Buzz results in completely unremarkable dark sugar water. It turns into a poor man’s Coke, with less robust carbonation. And let me tell you, I never realized how key that aggressive bubbling was to the Coke drinking experience until it was gone. It’s a real Buzz kill, almost as disappointing as that joke.
So if you’re going to pour yourself a Buzz, take my advice and go warm. If you must chill, you may want to have a little non-virgin Jaeger on hand to supplement the flavor. Just remember, a little goes a long way.
– NJ
Posted on July 10, 2007