By The Beachwood Bankrupt Culture Desk
“Tribune Co. has submitted a revised reorganization plan in the latest attempt to end its nearly two-year stint in bankruptcy protection,” AP reports.
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The intrepid Beachwood Bankrupt Culture Desk has obtained that plan. Here are the highlights.
* Tribune Tower to be converted into a cozy little bed and breakfast.
* Lap dances no longer qualify as legitimate lunch expenses.
* Statue of Peter Francis Geraci to replace statue of Nathan Hale at entrance to Tribune Tower.
* Entire inventory of Sam Zell bobbleheads to be “liquidated forthwith” at the Swap-O-Rama in Alsip.
* All unexpired points on Hooter’s frequent visitor cards to be delivered to secured creditors no later than one week prior to Mardi Gras.
* Strippers will not be considered secured creditors.
* Sole control of Tribune At Night interactive division will go to senior lender Larry Flynt.
* Executive collection of smoking jackets will be returned to the Bob Guccione estate.
* Supply of cafeteria glasses featuring images of women whose clothes come off as cold beverages are poured in will be returned to Acme Novelties.
* Halloween Party requiring employees to attend as their favorite porn star to be canceled.
* Peepholes into women’s bathrooms to be caulked up.
* Plans for dating site called Datelines to be canceled.
* Employee subscriptions to MILF Weekly to be canceled.
* Company to be broken up and sold off in pieces; Bud Fox named new president of Blue Star Airlines.
* Sam Zell will not be allowed to use credit cards for seven years.
* Trojan named a secured creditor. Altoid’s not.
* New company to be owned by JP Morgan Chase, which will charge a fee for every story “withdrawn” from its website.
* Randy Michaels required to reimburse every employee charged texting fees for his sexts.
* Tribune to withdraw endorsement of Cynthia Plaster Caster for mayor.
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– Scott Buckner, Steve Rhodes
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Comments welcome.
Posted on October 25, 2010