By The Beachwood Nightmares Affairs Desk
Crain’s recently published a pretty privileged list of Chicagoans’ Worst Nightmares followed by a Chicagoist solicitation of its readers that we also found a bit wanting.
So The Beachwood Nightmares Affairs Desk sprung into action. The problem, though, is that most of our nightmares have already come true.
* Rahm Emanuel gets elected mayor.
* Rahm Emanuel gets re-elected mayor.
* Wrigley Field gets a Jumbotron.
* City runs out of Old Style.
* Mike Ditka continues to be a thing.
* Billy Corgan re-forms Smashing Pumpkins.
* Billy Corgan plays six hours over a book reading at a suburban tea house.
* Anyone’s kids come into contact with the (unvaccinated) kids of Cutler and Cavallari.
* Michael Sneed keeps her job.
* The city decides to sell precious lakefront land to a pal of the mayor for a dollar to build a Star Wars museum.
* Dead people really are voting – and boy are they pissed.
* L.A. becomes cooler than Chicago. Which has happened.
* The city opens its books to the public – and it’s an even bigger shitshow than they’re saying.
* Jonathan Brandmeier, Mancow Muller and Steve Dahl return to radio.
* No turkey legs at Taste of Chicago.
* Being forced to go to Taste of Chicago.
Even this list is a bit unsatisfying, though. Wouldn’t a list of real nightmares be more like this:
* Leftover nuclear material under University of Chicago explodes.
* Sears Tower falls over.
* Redmoon Theater production re-starts Great Fire.
* Asian carp mates with Canadian carp to form Super Carp.
* Beachwood Inn finally dies. Which it has.
– Marty Gangler, J.J. Tindall, Steve Rhodes
Comments welcome.
Posted on June 15, 2015