By The Beachwood Bring Back Ponderosa Affairs Desk
“Matt Bridgeford is no paparazzo, but he does have a thing for celebrities – and their restaurants,” the Sun-Times reports in Fans Often Lose Appetite For Celeb Eateries.
“At headlinerdiners.com, Bridgeford has gathered details – such as photos and recollections – on celebrity restaurants in 500 locations, including Chicago. A Seattle assisted-care worker, he figures he has visited 50 of them – the best and the worst of the concept.”
This got Beachwood Labs/Restaurant Concept Division thinking . . .
* Billy Corgan’s Cafe. Every meal is about him; he sits at your table and whines about his problems as you eat.
* Jim Hendry’s Hamburger Hamlet. There is no menu, just a hodgepodge of whatever’s in the kitchen that day and whatever was on clearance.
* Michael Sneed’s Upshot Emporium. Only serving leftovers prepared by other restaurants yesterday.
* Daley’s Diner. Only serving customers somebody sent.
* Steve Albini’s Buffet. Unedible food to go along with unlistenable music.
* Richard Roeper’s Restaurant. Airport food served to simulate the environment in which he writes most of his columns.
* Ozzie’s. Restaurant manager spends every evening going table-to-table talking about how he would feel if he was fired.
* Pat Quinn’s Cafeteria. Everything tastes like chicken, and the chicken tastes like rubber.
* Stroger’s Steakhouse. Every busboy is also a county worker.
* Alexi’s on Broadway. Hey, it’s not his fault the food went bad hours after he set it out and left.
* Rezko’s Ristorante. Do you eat here so he doesn’t rat you out or not eat here so the feds don’t become suspicious?
* R. Kelly’s Closet. Intimate booths also function as restrooms.
* Blago’s Bistro. There is no food on the menu, just an explanation of how Rod did nothing wrong and was only trying to help people. Patti runs the beer garden.
* Sammy Sosa’s. If you can finish the bloated 120-oz. steak from a steroid-injected cow, they give you a bat to destroy the boom box playing ear-shattering salsa music.
* Oprah’s Gastropub. A sumptuous buffet in a grand ballroom with a vomitorium and counselors on hand to cope with the guilt.
* Desiree’s State Dinner Diner. No reservations necessary.
* Lovie’s. Only one sandwich on the menu: Two pieces of bread “Cover 2” pieces of baloney.
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Marty Gangler, Drew Adamek, Eric Emery, Steve Rhodes.
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Comments welcome.
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1. From Thomas Chambers:
Cutler Cafe. Where 4.68 percent of all entrees will be delivered to the wrong table. Nine serving platters a year will simply be fumbled to the floor.
Kyle Orton’s Osteria. Denver outpost lease lost. Opening in another city, hopefully.
Skilling’s Skillet. The Wizard of Oz runs on the big-screen 24-7.
Milton Bradley’s Baltic Cafe. If you don’t like the food, it’s your fault.
Posted on May 12, 2010